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May 5, 2014

Being Empty. ~ Jeff Mongold

walking forest sunrise outside park nature

Warning: f-bomb ahead!

Most things you let go of, almost everything that you experience in a day.

Some things you hold on to, you stuff inside and carry with you.

Regrets are bricks. I was ready to be empty.

Be still, I reminded myself. Let the grasping stop, I thought; let the craving and the wanting stop, and above all, don’t run away.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Eventually, the small empty spaces started to expand. I felt exposed. I felt fear and sadness. I had to face my fear, to face myself, to look inside and see. I had to experience and feel for myself and not through someone else.

Was it surrender? Was I giving up?

I relaxed and let the sadness and fear in. I experienced it fully.

I didn’t run from it. I didn’t hide from it. I didn’t try to cover it up or make it go away.

I just let it do what it does, and I owned it. It felt like a fever. I burned with it. No one was there. It was just me. No distractions. I just sat.

And then the question: who the fuck am I?

The answer wasn’t terrible or tragic.

Fundamentally, I found, there is nothing wrong with me. I’m OK. I had a hard time nailing down exactly who I am, because, essentially, I’m never the same person twice. If I seemed like the same person, it was probably an identity I constructed, a mask or a shield.

I realized that I wasn’t my past. The past happened. Certain patterns where discernible.

But that is not me.

The real me is flowing energy, constantly changing and evolving. Always moving.

 

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Apprentice Editor: Emily Bartran / Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Pixoto

Jeff Mongold

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