May 23, 2014

Is Being Gay a Choice? ~ Lisa M. Hayes

gay marriage

Gay marriage. It may very well be the debate of the decade in our culture, possibly even century.

Everyone has an opinion, and for most people that opinion is a passionate one. As a straight, married woman, this issue isn’t directly personal for me, and yet, we are all somewhat affected by the debate and the implications of the debate.

In the last week I’ve received no fewer than a dozen emails asking for comments about gay marriage or advice about how to deal in a family when someone comes out. No matter which side of the debate you’re on, it probably feels like an issue of morality to you. Some feel it’s morally wrong to “be” gay, while others feel it’s even more morally wrong to discriminate against gay people.

The question in the conversation that always irritates me the most is this, “Is being gay a choice?”

My answer to that question is simple. Who cares?

Really, why does it matter?

I am in the “love” industry and yes, don’t kid yourself, it’s an industry. Love is an industry because it’s a commodity that everyone wants and few people get enough. I get the kind of view into hundreds of relationships most people will never see. From that perspective, here’s what I’ve learned:

Love is fragile.

Love can be both painful and a source of immense joy—all at the same time.

Love blooms. Sometimes it fails. Real true love is very, very rare.

Love between two people  is a hybrid cocktail of so many variables it’s really a miracle anytime it takes root.

To name only a few those variables include:






Risk and risk tolerance


The spark of initiation








All of these, and many more have to be flowing in perfect proportion for the seed of love to grow into the promise of a lifetime. It’s statistically impossible when you think about how complicated love really is, and yet, it happens.

I don’t care who you are. I don’t care which side of this great debate you find yourself, one thing we can all agree on is this, the world needs more real love. The world needs more stable families. The world needs more lovers and loving parents—and those things are precious.

When love between two people happens, when all of those pieces fall in place, when two people find themselves blessed with the miracle of love, it is a miracle of fate, timing, and biology. It is figuratively, and maybe literally an act of God…

…and guess what, it’s always a choice, no matter who you are or who you love. To love another is always the highest choice.

Do people choose to be gay?

Who cares?

It doesn’t matter. Both the question and the answer are irrelevant because in the light of love, nothing but the love itself matters at all.

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Apprentice Editor: Sue Adair/Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Wikimedia Commons

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