May 6, 2014

When Splitting Up is So Painful. ~ Jamie Catto {A Letter}

Peter Hellberg via Flickr

Dear old friend,

Thinking of you especially on Sundays, which can be brutal.

I want to share with you a couple of things you already know, such as—don’t forget that this is but a painful transition, not a painful entry into a painful new life.

I was having an agonising time last year ‘being left’ by my ex-wife and battling with abandonment, jealousy, lostness, loneliness. While I was still trying to keep my old reality intact and not surrendering to what was really going on, I did a lot of emotional violence to myself.

What I didn’t know then was how brilliantly, abundantly treated I was gong to be, how as soon as I placed my focus on the next chapter, not the last one with all its alluring hooks and safe, known comforts, I was met with limitless support and exciting, nourishing new gifts.

I’m not suggesting that you deny any pain or force yourself to “move on” too quickly, but I do want to remind us both that once your deeper choice and vision is directed to the next chapter, your innate genius adapts and creates and attracts wonderful new circumstances, people and surprises—and that creative genius takes it’s lead from where you direct your attention.

This is a great time to raise one’s awareness on the version of events we are playing back in our heads.

I don’t know how much resistance you are in right now, or how you are faring in regards to clinging, turning scenarios over and over in your mind, looking back not forward, injustice and loneliness—but I want to remind you, just in case, that there is a slither of choice here to look through a more optimistic lens, a lens which trusts that even though I have very limited vision here and it looks dark, perhaps the “All That Is” has a wonderful array of characters and positive unfoldings, uplifting and healing revelations in store for us.

When I was at my most disempowered and terrified state during my divorce, I had a formative experience on the London Underground train.

I was sitting there listening to my music on headphones and my ipod was on shuffle. A piece of really sad film music was playing, and as I sat there listening, my own despondent predicament engulfed me.

I looked around the carriage and everyone looked so isolated and lonely. I sank deeper, feeling all the tragedy of my situation, how much of a victim I felt in it and that depressing reality became more and more true.

It was painful.

Then the next track came on and it was something really triumphant and rocking.

Immediately my chest swelled a little and my posture became fractionally more erect. The train doors opened and I strode down the platform, strong and upright. The music pumped along jubilantly in my ears and I walked all the taller.

“Look at this hero,” I thought to myself as I strode down the train platform, “surviving and thriving amidst all these challenges, unstoppable!” I felt, “Gimme what you got!’

It was only the soundtrack in my ears that had changed but it really showed me how malleable “the truth of what’s gong on” can be.

The version of events on which we choose to place our attention is the truth we energise. We will empower what we focus on, positive or negative.

So, as Gabrielle Roth says, “It takes immense discipline to be a free spirit.”

To choose the positive lens to look through over the usual attractive “doom and gloom” one, it takes discipline. But there is a slither of choice, much aided by kicking rock music.

And the reward is, a year or two down the line, I now know that what happened when my wife and I split up was a wonderful life-change for me. I resisted it with all my might when I couldn’t see the future, but I am now with a heavenly, intelligent, funny, soulful girlfriend who really gets the me now.

Our sex life is glorious and fresh and deeply intimate.

Our soul life is so much more “equal” that any relationship I’ve had before.

In numerous other ways I am growing into my real wholeness, my less limited shapes, my fullest potential. I have experienced my courage, endurance and self-compassion and awakened a deeper sense of personal responsibility and self-parenting. The list of gifts is long.

I don’t want to in any way suggest you rush the grieving, but whenever you have a fraction more energy, allow the next chapter vision to creep in.

Allowing some gentle movement in this let’s your innate genius begin to lay the foundations for your next incredibly fulfilling chapter. I believe your higher mind and even the Universe itself is conspiring to set up the perfect, fulfilling, abundant circumstances for your pleasure and growth.

Beyond all that, I am sending love and trust and an extra bank of pumping electric guitars to spur you onward.

You are a Warrior. Allow your posture to reflect this and the mind will follow.


Huge hug,



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Photo: Peter Hellberg via Flickr

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