A Love Letter to My Body. {Video}

Via Bronwyn Petry
on Jun 10, 2014
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male:female with rose tattoos

Dearest,

The first thing I need to say to you is I am sorry.

I am sorry for criticizing and denigrating and hating the vessel that I received, at birth, as a passport into this world.

I have looked in bathroom mirrors as though they were hung in a fun house. I have pulled the skin from my hips and belly and told myself that I was worth less because I gained a few pounds.

I have starved myself down to a ghost of myself, all bones and teeth and whites of eyes.

There were days when I only consumed coffee, alcohol and cigarettes.
There were days when I wrote down everything I ate and decided on if I would eat the next day depending on if I “passed” or “failed.”

I told myself I’d only be seen naked once I’d earned a six-pack.

And when my depression took hold, it knew it could always find me at “Body Insecurity Lane”: I kept a house there and visited often. It was mud-coloured and small on the inside and it smelled of a girl who laid on her bed in a shut room and cried.

I was never right. I was never enough.

What made it more confusing was that within my hatred there was a part of me fighting so hard against it. I read a lot of body-positive pieces in magazines, listened to body-positive music and saw a lot of body-positive art and I felt badly that I was not quite there.

I felt ashamed that  I couldn’t wear you comfortably—that I’d never been able to wear you comfortably.

Then all of a sudden, something started to shift. It was a confluence of things: years of trying to get there. Reading a book that reminded me that everyone has appetites.

Listening to a talk on the power of vulnerability and how poor body image can cause us to want to remain invisible—how poor body image can reduce us to less than we are supposed to be.

And I thought: no. I will not end up, at the end of my life, as being less than what I should have been just because I couldn’t figure out how to love myself.

You have always been basically healthy (give or take a few “factory defects” as I’ve taken to calling them). Thank you for being remarkably cold and flu resistant.

Thank you for being strong—you have undergone years of abuse and you still carry me wherever I need to go.

My feet are thick and wide—not pretty in the conventional sense but functional and graceful in their own way. Thank you for the walking, the dancing, the feel of cold water on bare skin and the etching of each stone in the pavement.

Thank you for the running.

Thank you for the legs that help me stand up, these muscular, tattooed foundations that crouch and lift and help me move through the world. With them I have been able to walk down narrow cobblestone alleys in Marrakesh and thread through dense forest pathways and hold babies on my lap.

And there is the curve of my hips and the curve of my belly.
My arms can lift and my hands write, touch, pet and love.

My lips kiss and taste and speak; my eyes see stars and sun and snow and people I love.

I didn’t understand until recently that my body was a miracle and a poem in motion.
A poem given to me that I continue to write every day.

I will spend the rest of my life loving you—and no, I’m not quite exactly sure how, but I think it starts with following my heart.

If you want to be dressed in feathers and long skirts, if you want to rub amber along the insides of your wrists, if you want to eat cake, run, skinny dip or sit in meditation—if you want to make love, or drink lemonade, or be quiet for days in the long wheat fields on the farm—body, we are in this together.

Yes. Let’s do this.

I know we all have different paths to walk and been given different bodies and I am sorry that I tried to make you into something that wasn’t mine.

I will honour you and be grateful for every day you give me.

I am tired of all using all the energy that I’ve put towards hating you. I want to fully inhabit my life and fully inhabit you. I want to see what I can accomplish if I think of my body as being on the same team as me.

Thank you for giving me this moment to realize and to forgive myself.

In the name of not just self-acceptance, but radical, all-consuming, healthful love and appreciation—

Love,
Me.

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Editor: Cat Beekmans
Photo: Harold Bonacquist, Pixoto


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About Bronwyn Petry

Bronwyn Petry wrote her first short story when she was six, and hasn't really looked back since. Writing is the only thing she was ever any good at. Bronwyn is also a yoga student who likes to run, a roller skating enthusiast, an amateur photographer and an inveterate people watcher. Her work has previously appeared in Soliloquies, The Grist Mill, Roots of She, The Body Stories, and a variety of other places. Her hobbies include crossword puzzles and long walks with her dog. She loves her friends, has 17 different laughs and she travels in her spare time to soak up the stories of the world. She lives in Toronto (for the time being) with her partner and their animals. Please feel free to find her on Twitter, Facebook or on Instagram, if you’re into those sorts of things.

Comments

7 Responses to “A Love Letter to My Body. {Video}”

  1. Erica says:

    I could've written this. Should've written this. Thank you.

  2. Bronwyn Petry says:

    I'm just so happy it resonated with you. xo

  3. sunnie says:

    you have no idea how badly I needed to read this.

    "I have starved myself down to a ghost of myself, all bones and teeth and whites of eyes."

    I cried when I read this line and had goosebumps over my entire body. this is something I have struggled with for over half of my life. this has been with me longer than it hasn't. I am saving this so I can go back to it when days are hard and lonely. thank you so much for writing this beautiful letter to yourself and to women everywhere that needed to hear it. love & light.

  4. Bronwyn Petry says:

    Oh Sunnie, thank you so much for writing this comment; I have tears in my eyes at the moment. "This has been with me longer than it hasn't." yes. I understand that too, so deeply.

    I am sending you so much love on your journey. xo

  5. Hannah says:

    Thank you for posting this. Brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful and really needed right now…I have such a similar path. Appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Peace and happiness to you!

  6. Jamie Khoo says:

    Oh Bronwyn, I am so proud to know you and to have been on the elephant programme in the same batch as you. How is it that you always write things that speak straight to my heart, like your heart is doing a big old dance with mine. I needed to read this and to remember to marvel at the miracle that is every part of me. I've been hating on myself again lately and this is exactly the balm for making me learn to love me, this big old strong body and all her parts again and again and again (ps I miss you, let's do a chat soon!) Love love love xxxxxx

  7. Bria says:

    Wow. I know this was posted ages ago. I just found it. I have been trying to work through my own body issues (and self esteem issues).It resonated. I have been fighting being overweight most of my life and hating how I can't just stop eating and lose weight. Interestingly we are all sisters on the journey of self acceptance and self love no matter how our body issues manifest. I'm so sick of making my body the enemy. Yesterday I wrote out a letter as if I was telling a friend about a lover which was me which was very healing. How lucky I found this as well. Thanks you for your honesty and vulnerability. Much love.

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