Dear Right Person, Wrong Time.

Via Jenny Spitzer
on Jul 11, 2014
get elephant's newsletter

Warning: naughty language ahead!

Dear right person, wrong time,

Just as we say hello, we need to say goodbye. That’s so fucked up! I have so much that I want to say to you, to share with you. I have a million things that I’ve been dying to tell you. Goodbye is not one of them.

I’ve been waiting such a long time for you.

Actually, waiting isn’t the right word. Waiting suggests passivity and I certainly haven’t been sitting on my ass waiting (for anything). I’ve been working—on lots of things, including figuring out who I am and subsequently who you are.

In doing so, I’ve experienced a lot of who you are not. And that is how I know you, now, when I see you.

I wouldn’t have recognized you five or 10 or 15 years ago. And isn’t that ironic because if we met then, it might have been the right time. For you, that is. But not for me, because as I said, I wouldn’t have recognized you, understood you, accepted you, loved you.

Not as I do now.

As for you, although you may recognize me as a person who might be right for you, I am not, not now. You’re attached to something—a person, an experience, an idea of who you may or may not be, all of these, it doesn’t matter—you need to figure out who you are, with and without that something, before you can fully know who you are at all.

And you need to know who you are before you can be with the right person. How would you even know that they are right for you without knowing who you is?

It’s so damn tempting, though. For us both. To take the shortcut. To acquiesce to the loopholes that seem so clearly laid out for us. We can let ourselves think things like, “Technically, it can be the right time…”

And it feels benign, instinctive, right to just float effortlessly through those loopholes together. We can fit (almost) perfectly through them. All it would take is to let go. Let it happen. Relax and let the water carry us over—instead of my stubborn grasping on to this tiny brittle twig.

It would be natural, like breathing. And I want it desperately like I want to release a breath that I’ve been holding for too long.

But as I said, while I’ve been waiting, I’ve been working. Working on discovering who I am, who I want to be. And who do I want to be? Not an asshole, for starters. Not to anyone, including myself. And not being an asshole means doing the right thing.

I’ve plunged through loopholes before—more than I care to count. And here is what I learned: the right thing is always a doorway unto itself. It’s not necessarily, or typically, easy to walk through, but it always has its own direct path.

It is never a loophole.

What feels right is not always right.

The task at times is to allow the feeling to be, but to do precisely the opposite. To swim against the tide, to resist the pull towards something or someone that, for one reason or another, is not right for you.

The right person at the wrong time is wrong for you in a kick ass disguise, reminding us to keep working, to keep moving forward in the right direction. And sometimes we have to move our feet first and wait for the heart to follow. It will follow. I promise.

Love always, (no, not always—just for now. For now it burns hot like a damn inferno but a fire unfed eventually fizzles out.

~ Wrong (for you, for now, and perhaps, for always)

Relephant bonus—Mindful dating tips:



9 Relationship Red Flags For Everybody.


The Whole Point of Every Relationship (is probably not what you think it is).



Love elephant and want to go steady?

Sign up for our (curated) daily and weekly newsletters!

Apprentice Editor: Melissa Horton/ Editor: Catherine Monkman

Images: PixabayBarney Moss, Flickr Creative Commons


About Jenny Spitzer

Jenny Spitzer has a book titled, "Letters to Our Lovers" available for purchase here. Please also feel free to follow Jenny on Facebook and check out more of her writing on her website.


55 Responses to “Dear Right Person, Wrong Time.”

  1. kim says:

    It is so crazy that we as women waste time on finding the right relationship and when we kissed many frogs when our handsome prince comes along he passes right before out eyes and do not know it. We don’t give him a chance.

  2. Irene says:

    Thank you for this. I met him in a parking lot. We talk, we love, we laugh. Unfortunately I am just getting out of an abusive relationship. He wants all of me and I’m just not quite ready to give my whole self to someone. I need time to heal from the bad relationship. So it has ended. I am heartbroken but need to clean some stuff out of my heart and mind so I am ready to love completely and freely. It sucks. It hurts. It’s just the way it is.

  3. Tee says:

    Thank you so much! I am grateful my soulmate and I crossed paths, but since we are both married it is not the right time. We will continue to see each other in social circles which will be hard, but at least we can keep tabs on each other. The universe threw us together for one amazing night and we will always have that. But we can't leave our marriages so we have to leave each other alone as hard as that is. It was a real awaking for me to look at who I really am and what I need in life. What a major, lovely, sad wake up call it was, and I'm going to use this experience as a catalyst for change, finding direction, and happiness even if it can't be with him right now.

  4. Britney says:

    Thanks Jenny! I’m so glad I came across your article because I really needed to read that. I have a love hate relationship with this article because it describes my current reality…not the one I was hoping for.

  5. Katie says:

    Hi Jenny. I am sorry – I did not get your point. Why should one resist anything let alone love? Isnt the problem usually that we dont allow enough? That we are in the state of dukkha, as the Buddha calls it. Can you elaborate this a bit more? Or is it because I am not a native English speaker or 50+ that I find your post so difficult to understand.

    Thank you,