August 30, 2014

How To Keep F**king Up: The 10 Step Plan.


If you’re (un)happy and you know it raise your hand.

Not sure if this is you? Wondering if you’ve fully embraced your inner, pouty three-year-old self? Not ready to leave your pity party just yet? Well then, please do continue with the following behaviors:

1. Blame Darwin

Deny that evolution is happening all day, every day, like it or not.

Refuse to change, resist anything new, continue doing what you always do, because you’ve always done it that way and you like it like that. Complain that no one gets it, no one understands you and people should recognize that you are right and they are wrong.

Take the same routes every time. Stick to your daily routine. Order the safe food on the menu. Blame others when things don’t go your way. Consider everything that you know and love as good and view anything that is different or new as bad. Keep your arms crossed and your mind closed.

Be the latter half of this analogy:

Flexible:Rigid as Gumby:You

2. Be An Ostrich

Ignore the problem. Swim in the river of De’Nile. Pretend it doesn’t exist. Avoid mirrors at all costs. Keep blinders on during the day and wear sunglasses at night. Frequently travel through tunnels. Plug your ears and sing, “la, la, la, la, la” every time someone mentions it. Give the elephant in the room a blanket, pillow and a snack. Bury yourself in other tasks to distract yourself. Do not come up for air until absolutely necessary.

3. Do It Later

Crown yourself the Procrastination Prince(ess). Make an actual crown. And sash. (A cape might be overkill so just put one in your Pinterest closet.) Do some laundry. Make some lists and do none of the items on them. Write some good intentions down. Share some grand ideas. Do some dishes. Phone a friend. Play Candy Crush. Catch up on the “news.” Find 40 other high priority tasks.

Turn and run in the other direction every time you even think about what you have waiting for you to complete. Actually, just go running instead. Or, maybe look up new running clothes online, less sweat, more fun.

Make a list like this one:

Ways to procrastinate


4. Get Pissed Off

Be an anger ball. Get mad at everyone, everywhere. Join a conspiracy theorist group. Trust no one. Take everything personally, always. Have road rage. Have line rage. Lose your shit, regularly. Stop wearing blush because your cheeks are starting to look a little clownish from all that natural color generated by your perpetual state of on-fire.

Never. Let.. Anything. Go.

Harbor resentment and let it grow. Forgive no one. Do not pass go, do not move on, do not, under any circumstances, give anyone a second (or fifth, or fiftieth) chance because people don’t change.

5. Get Bent Out of Shape

Sigh, loudly, while rolling your eyes. See if you can get your shoulders all the way up to your ears before breakfast. Keep them there until after dinner. Work on your anger lines—glare and frown…a lot. Cross your arms in front of you, often. Keep your hands on your hips and purse your lips. Twitch a lot. Have your hands clasped behind your back while you pace.  Hunch over your desk. Stare at the ground when you walk. Stick your nose in the air. Look down on people. Tap your foot impatiently when your phone is buffering.

6. Be A Fun Sucker

Worry, all the time, about everything.

See the glass half empty and fret about the potential bacteria growth occurring on the surface level of the water. Stand at the bottom of the play structure, arms out, whisper screaming “beeeeeee carrrrrreeeeeeeffffffuuuuullllllll.” Make your kids wear life jackets at the beach…when there are no waves. Refuse to travel for fear of something going wrong. Attend parties only to serve the role of “Mom” and spend the entire time cleaning up and swapping out people’s vodka for water. Learn the emergency routes in every building you enter. Have an exit strategy for all daily activities. Carry caution tape with you wherever you go, and duct tape, for that matter. Be prepared, dammit.

Spend lots of time feeling like a jackass for the dumb shit you did in the past. Dwell on it. Cry about it. Punish yourself for it, but for God’s sake don’t just learn from it and move forward, keep reliving those mistakes every day. In fact, remind others about theirs as well, in case they forgot. It’s your duty to make sure people don’t get hurt again, after all.

7. Contract Foot in Mouth Disease

Speak rashly and without care. Gossip about people. Speak ill of others and yourself. Call names and label people. Prove that sticks and stones break bones and words will often hurt you. Say the things aloud as you think them. Do not consider others feelings. Do not be sensitive. Say whatever you want to say whenever you want to say it. Screw timing. Forget euphemisms. Say things just to be “funny.” Drop “just kidding” into most conversations. Wonder why people can’t take a f*cking joke anymore.

Talk in circles. Be inarticulate or be overly-articulate, verbose even. Do 90 percent of the talking in any conversation and always make sure to bring it back to you—be a one-upper. Listen with the intent of responding, rather than the intent of listening.

8. Be A Hypocrite

Don’t practice what you preach. Neither say what you mean nor mean what you say. Tell your children to “do as I say, not as I do.” Talk a great deal about how wonderful something is, and never do it, use it, or apply it to your life. Convince other people to do things you won’t do yourself. Don’t follow through, ever. Refuse to see your own mistakes. Be a blame shifter. Convict others of their wrongdoings despite your own participation in the same behavior.

9. Have Expectations

Create plans for anything and everything under the sun. Get mad when things don’t go your way and/or people don’t follow your plan (see #4). Expect others to behave as you would like them to do. Give advice (especially unsolicited) and then get mad when people don’t follow it. Keep a narrow, focused view on how things will be, what is allowed and how all parties shall behave. Get upset when this doesn’t play out like you’d anticipated.

10. Make an ass out of u and me

Make Assumptions. Screw correlations and coincidences, live life in the cause and effect mode. Do not consider options, gather facts, supporting details or evidence. Use one example, one moment, one event, or one opinion to permanently form your own schema, neuroplasticity be damned.

Take nothing at face value. Always jump to conclusions, make inferences where none are needed and read into evertyhing.

Ready to let that shit go? Read this: Ten Ways To Make Your Own Damn Sunshine.

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.

~ Winston Churchill



Love elephant and want to go steady?

Sign up for our (curated) daily and weekly newsletters!

Editor: Travis May

Photo: Masa Pesut Kakina/Pixoto

Leave a Thoughtful Comment

Read 0 comments and reply

Top Contributors Latest

Michelle Sweezey  |  Contribution: 7,440