What is expressed below came to me as a flash of insight while in a deep and painful inquiry about why my desire for the woman I loved so deeply had dissipated.

What I’m sharing here is only part of the practices and understanding needed to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic and desire for your partner.

Mainstream media would have us believe that it is a beautiful face or hot body that makes a woman desirable and beautiful. But have you ever found yourself with a woman with beautiful physical qualities, yet just not desiring her as much as you wanted, or maybe not as much as you did initially?

Sustaining attraction and desire in a relationship is a complex interplay of many dynamics that can make it difficult at times.

I have heard David Deida say that what truly attracts a man to a woman is her radiance—her joy, her love, “the light in her eyes.” This is the essence of what shines through with or without the attractive physical qualities.

This radiance is the blooming flower of the woman. It is the most colorful and enticing part. It draws our attention. It increases our desire to look, touch and smell her. Just as a bee is drawn to the sexual organs of a flower by the beauty of its petals, the beauty of a woman’s radiance catches the attention of, and creates, an irresistible desire in men.

For the consummation to occur, so that the beautiful blossom is created, a flower’s petals (as well as woman’s radiance) only needs to bloom long enough for the organs to pass their seed. The flower can then die, as its biological duty has been fulfilled.

But for her lover to maintain lasting desire for a woman, the flower of her radiance must be protected, cherished, watered, fed and adored so that it continues to bloom at the fullness of its beauty, beyond the “honey” moon.

To fully bloom, every flower needs a specific amount of water and to be fed with a unique blend of nutrients to bloom at its fullest. For a woman to bloom, she requires her unique blend of physical touch, love making, dancing, words of appreciation, gifts, quality time with her partner, or any of the multitude of other unique ways of receiving love, appreciation and adoration. These are the nourishment that support the expression of her radiance at its fullest bloom, season after season.

As more people engage in a spiritual practice in which the love consciousness of “All That Is” is accessed, our culture and world evolves. As well, each person with this type of practice is becoming more fully alive and radiant without the need for another’s validation.

Though until we are at that level of evolution of what we can be for each other, that light is also available within ourselves. And through expressing love for each other, our access to love consciousness within each of us is quickened. Below are my suggestions to move us in this direction.

I once heard a woman say that her life was so full that having an amazing man would just be the icing on the cake. That felt so liberating to me, and attracted me so much more to her. “One who needs something from another to be happy is not whole,” is a viewpoint that, in the past, I associated with a woman who needed appreciation in order to feel happy.

I used to only express appreciation and love, when I felt it deeply, and was inspired to share it. It seems I was, at times, not sharing these expressions as often as I could have been. I did not want my adoration to be needed to be expressed to make my lover happy. I was equating a woman’s deep desire for and delight of adoration from me as neediness. Now it is clear to me that supporting the blossom of my woman’s radiance is completely unrelated to the concept of wholeness.

That past belief and my desire for my woman to be “whole” kept me from expressing my adoration in ways that would more fully serve her, our relationship and grow my desire for her. Now, I hold the view that I have the responsibility to understand how to nourish my woman and her radiance. This is now a focus for my energy and my adoration, and supports more of what I desire in my relationship. A practice in expressing love for her, is also a commitment to cultivate within myself the feelings of desire for her that I wish to last over time.

Through the exploration of what changed the level of my desire for my partner, I have realized how sensitive the flower of a woman’s radiance is. The beautiful flower of a plant also requires extreme care. If the nutrient mix you give to a flowering plant is off just a little, or you water it too much or not enough, the petals of the flower will become spotted or wilt or maybe even die.

You may think you are feeding it just what it needs, but it can be so sensitive to just the right blend of nourishment that missing the mark even just a little can do grave damage to its ability to express its beauty. After the damage of malnourishment has been done, it’s very hard to get the flower back to the full, crisp and bright bloom it’s capable of, in each beautiful petal.

The same is true with women. Each one has her unique expression of blooming radiance. Each has her own blend of ways of loving and receiving adoration that supports the blooming of their radiance, love and joy at its fullest. The moments here and there when love and appreciation are felt by her partner, but not expressed, or when he thinks he is expressing it, but it’s not done in a way she feels it, can leave a woman’s tender petals of inner beauty spotted and wilted, and may eventually die.

I desire to be deeply attracted to, and in love with my partner. I also desire to have the attraction grow with time. I have seen a few rare couples that sustained this connection for a lifetime. Many couples say that it dulls and fades, and you just accept that it’s part of the process. I want to offer you another viewpoint. Desire does not have to fade. Our level of desire is influenced by changes in the fullness of the bloom of our woman’s radiance.

Knowing this, I vow to and call you forth, the great men in our culture, to vow to support our women in fully blooming as much of the time as possible. If not just because you love her and enjoy experiencing her radiance, but because what is created energetically through the bloom of her beauty, can help keep your desire for her at full strength. I call you forth to learn just how to uniquely nourish her completely and do so with the full extent of your being.

The following suggestions are simple, yet may take practice. Use your intuition. Giving love and praise does not have to be a production. Just notice what you are enjoying about your partner and say it. Maybe you appreciate something she did for you. Tell her what she did and how you felt. Maybe you are enjoying some part of her physical or inner beauty. Name that part. Describe it with words of appreciation as well as what you feel when you are enjoying it. The key here is to name the specific thing about her, or what she did, and express how it impacts you with the intention of giving love and appreciation. Give your self time to get in the habit of expressing appreciation regularly and with sincerity.

Even if you think you are doing it well, your partner may not receive your appreciation fully. She may have trouble receiving praise or maybe in the way you share it. She may have wounds around being praised or there may be unresolved issues from your relationship in the way of her receiving your way of expressing love to her. Trust your gut. If you sense that what you express is not received well, it likely was not. Make a note of it. If she is triggered, you may want to leave it be in the moment. If this is the case, just do your best to love and accept her response without taking it personally.

Then, maybe later that day, or the next day when she is feeling open, let her know that you care about her and desire to express your love in a way she will best receive it. Gently ask her how she was impacted by what you said previously. If she says it was challenging for her, ask her for another way that she would prefer to receive your expressions of love. Again, avoid taking what she says personally. Whatever she says is really more about her than you. Do your best to understand how to give to her in the ways she best receives.

If you are desiring more from your partner, instead of this view, I offer for you to instead look at where you can more fully understand how she is fed, and in what ways you may have not been providing this nourishment. I offer for you to consider in what ways you think you may have been nourishing her, but it was not just the right blend to feed her joy fully. And considering that the level of the desire you feel for your partner is in your own hands, what would you do or give to her, knowing doing so supports you in desiring her to the full extent possible?

~

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Author: Stefan Grafstein

Editor: Travis May

Photo: elephant archives