A few years ago, when I began my Divine Feminine journey, I could not have told you what a feminine gift might be.
I had only just discovered I was living in and was nearly always coming from a place of habitual, self-protected (usually, angry) masculine energy.
I could not have told you how to get from that masculine stance into one of feminine energy. I did not understand the Divine Feminine at all, nor what was meant by the term “feminine essence.”
David Deida pissed me the bloody hell off; I thought he was misogynistic. I tried reading some of his books and would always end up throwing them across the room in disgust and anger, at some point.
They’d bounce off the wall or furniture, and I’d let them lay there and kick them in passing for a few hours—or days.
Then I’d pick up the current, offending volume and try and read some more of it. Over all, and at the least, I found him annoying and wrong.
To get into feminine energy, he prescribed breathing into it, but what the f*ck did that mean?!
So there I was, desperately wanting to connect with and “breathe into” the Divine Feminine, but in my ignorance, had no idea about how to do that.
The World as we Know it
The world basically functions as masculine. It values masculinity over femininity in nearly all things. Masculinity is sought after and praised more often in our society.
Probably any business plan you know about is masculine. Meditation practice is taught as masculine. For a woman, “dress for success” means dress like a man—or dress like a slightly feminized version of how men dress.
A strong, powerful woman is defined as a woman who acts like a man.
Do we even know what the definition of “a strong woman” is without masculinizing it? It’s a good, valid question, I think.
The Feminine Aspects
The Feminine can show up in many forms/aspects as it exists within all of us. There is the girl-child, the lover, the queen/mother, the priestess, the warrioress, the crone, among other manifestations. All these facets are within each of us—male and female.
Everyone has both masculine and feminine aspects and there is no right or wrong in how these energies are made manifest in anyone’s life.
Some folks, whether male or female anatomy-wise, feel more comfortable living in masculine energy most of the time, and some are more comfortable in the feminine most of the time.
The deciding question about masculine and feminine energy is, I have discovered, simply this: Are you happy with your relationships (of all kinds)? Are you happy with the people you are attracting into your life?
For me, I found the answer was not good when I looked at the type of man I was continuing to attract. I wanted to attract masculine men, but I was only attracting passive/feminine men.
When this continues to happen, you can bet the first thing that needs to be looked at is your own energy.
This can also manifest as the woman already in a relationship who is in a reactive, no-one-seems-to-be-stepping-up-to-take-care-of-this-so-I-better-do-it position. She has taken over “driving” the relationship—and he has allowed her to do that.
And believe me (because unfortunately I know this from direct, personal, embarrassing experience), it does no good to stand in masculine energy, look at a feminine man and demand he be more masculine. That only calls up more passive energy in him and more masculine energy in me.
There are reasons the Masculine and Feminine are constantly balancing, gifting and polarizing each other. Each needs the other. Like the poles on a magnet, like repels like and opposite poles attract.
A feminine “gift” is defined as anything done in feminine energy that calls up the masculine in anyone else. To call forth the Divine Feminine energy is to embody the feminine as Divine—the Goddess—in all its many forms.
Giving and receiving masculine and feminine gifts to one another is not about being disrespectful and manipulating. It is about appreciation, about consciously and unconsciously fostering the connection and polarization between masculine and feminine energy to establish and maintain the attraction, the “spark” between two people.
If you don’t have polarization, you will not have that spark of attraction. Instead, for instance, in long-term relationships, you may feel more like good friends and roommates who seldom, if ever, have sex—because that attraction/polarization is missing.
The feminine is about the body, emotions and sensations—the senses. That is why there are so many references to “breathing into” the feminine. The feminine is about allowing, flowing, receiving—and paying attention to and trusting the intuition.
Feminine energy is usually soft—but do not mistake softness for weakness. Think of water—soft and powerful at the same time. Think of the Grand Canyon, carved wide and deep by “soft” water over the years.
Think about Mother Nature—natural, flowing and beautiful—and extremely powerful (earthquakes, tidal waves, hurricanes).
Unfortunately, many people equate femininity with weakness. To them, to call someone feminine is a put-down. I truly believe it is time we take back the definition of “femininity” to mean what it really does: Powerful and soft all at the same time, allowing—more like The Tao.
When I gave an example of how I could stay in my soft, feminine energy, but at the same time effect a powerful change in direction to my man’s attention and thoughts, he said very soberly—and kind of surprised, “You have power.”
I answered, “yes.” “And you know how to wield it.” Again, “yes.”
And as with all power, it is important to remember: “with great power comes great responsibility.” ~ Voltaire
Meaning, it is never okay to use any type of power to hurt or manipulate anyone. It is never acceptable to use someone’s vulnerabilities against them.
Getting into Feminine Energy
Afraid to be feminine, afraid of what will happen if you “let down your guard?” Yeah, I was too.
So just remember what Alison Armstrong says (as I paraphrase): All men come with a built in “protect women” program. Sure, there are a few men out there who want to hurt women, but they are the minority. So when you think of all the men out there, even complete strangers, who would come to help and protect you if you called upon them, you realize the world is, all of the sudden, a much safer place.
It might be important to activate your own masculine energy before beginning to evoke your feminine energy. It may seem counterintuitive, but when you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. In order to feel safe enough to relax into my feminine energy, I had to first call upon and activate the Divine Masculine aspect inside me.
So close your eyes and focus your attention inside. Ask your Divine Masculine lover to come to you and make himself known.
Imagine him standing belly-to-belly with you and breathe. Feel your body responding to him. He is your perfect lover. Keep breathing. Ask him if he is willing to put his arms around you and protect you. He will always agree.
Ask him if he will protect you and be strong for you so that you can feel safe enough to soften and relax into your feminine energy. He will always agree. Allow yourself to feel his strong, protective energy.
Allow yourself to soften into his arms, his strength. Ask him if he will always have your back, always protect you. He will agree (it’s part of his job, as the masculine—it is his pleasure to do so).
At any time, anywhere, when you want to get into your feminine energy, just imagine standing belly-to-belly with your perfect, inner lover and let your body respond to his energy.
Imagine him looking over your shoulder, protecting your back as he holds you. Let yourself soften into him and your breath change into what it naturally does—full, deep, powerful, sexy. You will absolutely and instantly go into your feminine energy.
Once you activate your inner, masculine lover so that you feel safe enough to be feminine, another great way to get into your feminine energy is to focus your attention on your own body.
Tune into the body—especially the womb space. And as Rachel Jayne Groover reminds us in her book, Powerful and Feminine, everyone has a womb “space” even if you don’t have a physical womb. Focus your attention on your womb space and breathe into and from your belly.
Dance, move, enjoy the movements of your body. Listen to music and let the music inform your body about how it should move. Stretch like a cat, slowly—have fun with the body.
Focus on your emotions—call them up to be identified; feel them—let them out. A strong, powerful woman does not shy away from emotions. She knows they are essential. She knows an important part of being feminine is being emotional.
She learns to honor those emotions, to be proud of them. She begins to know that she need never be ashamed of them—even the so-called “dark” emotions: anger, fear, pain, anxiety, etc.
She never lets anyone shame her for her emotions. How? Simply state, with your own calm, and even kind, conviction, “I refuse to let you shame me for my emotions. I feel things. If you are not comfortable with that, then you might want to leave.”
She knows emotions come and go. She knows that to let them out doesn’t mean she will build a house in the land of sadness, for instance, and dwell there forever. She knows rather that calling those emotions up and out allows them to be heard, seen and felt, so that they can then leave.
It is only when we don’t allow them to come up and out that they become stuck in us, causing all sorts of problems on many levels.
Meditate Like a Woman
Focus on the womb space and stay in the body while meditating. Most meditation traditions focus on a very masculine way of meditating. They talk about watching the emotions come and go from a disassociated place, from an outside sort of place. They instruct you not to actually emote/feel them.
The goal of many types of masculine meditations is to take you up and out of the body to some “spiritual place.”
Try staying in the body instead. That is the feminine way. Focus on the womb; incorporate movement or dance too if it feels correct for you.
Focus on the womb and breathe and luxuriate in the soft but heavy and full feeling of breath inside your body, of energy moving throughout the body and concentrated in the womb.
Let the energy/breath make love to you—have its way with you. Some women even report orgasms from meditating in this fashion—not because they are thinking sexy thoughts, but because the body itself is enjoying and celebrating the breath and energy and the energy becomes too much to continue to hold—it is released by orgasm. This is very different than kundalini energy/rising, although both can be very powerful.
Practice Appreciation for all things Masculine
Another very quick way to get into your feminine energy is simply to notice and appreciate anything, all things, masculine. And the quickest way to call up the masculine energy in a man is to genuinely ask for his help.
In fact, use the word “help” to get his attention and his assistance.
The next most powerful word to remember is “love.” Speak in feminine. Use your own, even flowery, words to live your life. The men around you will appreciate it and respond beautifully.
Yes, this can be accomplished even in the board/conference room—speak from your power, your belly, your womb.
Appreciating the masculine is for all ages. Thank an elderly man for holding the door for you. Ask a young boy if he would be so kind as to help you in some way—perhaps carry something for you. The age does not matter; the type of relationship does not matter.
Making these feminine-centered changes can seem very foreign and forced at first, but soon it becomes a lovely way of life. I can’t imagine living my life now without being a fountain of praise for the masculine.
And until you get used to the new way of being, just remember, you can practice on anyone. In fact, practicing on strangers gives you more leeway to “fail.” Give yourself permission to “fail” and to make mistakes.
Start small: Appreciate the arm muscles on the 7-year old with his mom in front of you in the grocery checkout line. Comment on the nice manners of the teenage boy who makes way for you to go first through the door.
Make eye contact and say, “thank you, sir,” to him sincerely.
Don’t be pressured by our very masculine world into giving up your femininity. Use your own feminine words, gestures, clothes, energy. A powerfully feminine woman leans into the fear and vulnerability it takes to make these changes in herself.
Then she not only leans in, she walks right into the emotions, the fear, the vulnerability, knowing that emotions make her a stronger woman, knowing that vulnerability is not a weakness but pure courage, knowing that she is balancing herself and the world.
She becomes her own force.
A version published at the author’s blog.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Author: Grace Cooley
Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: Nick Crawford at Pixoto