December 11, 2014

Dating Commandment #7: Want More.



“When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person realize his dream.” ~ Paolo Coelho

I always thought I had to do more to get what I wanted. What I’ve realized is that I simply need to want more. Tuning into the frequency of our desires sets forth a universal conspiracy greater than anything we could strategize.

I was having an off week. I was striving and trying to check things off my to-do list. I couldn’t sit still to meditate. Couldn’t plug in. Every time my internal GPS was looking for direction, I’d hear, “Recalculating.” “Make a U-turn.” Where was I going? The question I couldn’t summon the energy to answer was, “Where do you want to go?”

“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”—Jiddu Krishnamurti

I come from a family of hard-working, extremely Catholic, Minnesotan farmers. We made it through the Great Depression through fierce determination, hard work and prayer. Like in many families of the time and the region, how much you worked had a lot to say about your worth as a person and your character.

The way you approach any obstacle in life from this vantage point is to work harder. Sacrificing yourself, working more, keeping yourself busy—these were all encoded ways of finding redemption. But for me, busyness turned into a socially approved addiction. It was a never-ending approach because there was always more to do and in the doing, there was little room for being.

After my most recent romantic unfolding, I fell back into some of my old patterns. Instead of dealing with the pain head on, I wanted to work and rebound my way back to feeling peachy-keen.

Here’s how I would approach break-ups in the past: I had whole committees dedicated to helping me plan and strategize my dating campaign. My male and female friends would gather together over happy hour to dish on the candidates in play. They would offer their advice, and we would revel in absurd quandaries I would find myself in. I dated incredible men: politicians, world-class athletes and professors. As my friend DiDi said, “Kristi only dates champions.” But I was dating for sport, not for soul.

And let me whisper this to you: there is a part of me that secretly really loves the game. My ego could fill up the 18,200 seats in Madison Square Garden. My ego is like the crazy jock with face paint chugging beers and yelling out incoherent threats to the other team. My ego wants me to hide when times get tough because it believes in fairy tale myths that relationships are containers for stability rather than the growing pains of soulular expansion.

My ego is competitive instead of cooperative. It blames instead of seeking understanding or taking responsibility. And when the ego is running the show of love, you can only swim in shallow waters. The game provides a shield, and cover for the ego, but you will never get what you really, really want through these superficial means. But it will keep you busy.

If you wish to drown,
do not torture yourself with
shallow water

~ Bulgarian proverb

How do we go deeper? By wanting more. Shatter the glass ceiling of what you think is possible.

Want more. This isn’t the wanting of unbridled gimme-gimme consumerism. This isn’t about vanity. It’s the wanting of being more rather than doing more. This is the kind of being that let’s our gifts flow freely into the world. The kind of being that heals instead of denigrates.

The greatest way to accelerate our growth, healing and expansion is through a committed partnership that emanates from the place of the soul and not the ego.

“A vision isn’t just a picture of what could be; it’s an appeal to our better selves.” ~ Rosabeth Moss Kanter

This is the sacred hum of a whisper you’re maybe not willing to dive deep enough to listen to. If you could list all of your desires, uncensored, what would you write? Let the vision of your better self take the megaphone away from the ego and speak her truth. Write down the characteristics of what you would want from your partner from the perspective of the heart and soul.

“We either live with intention, or exist by default.” ~ Kristin Armstrong

Make the intention to be love in all of your interactions. To find true love, we must be love. Make the shift from doing to being. Face the pain. Clear away the emotional debris from past relationships and patterns. Do your work. Feed your desires. Get out there doing the things that you love to do. Be a magnet for love by being love. In your interactions with the grocery bagger, the anonymous business man on the street, and the homeless man with a sign. Be love.

Let us
Trade fear for excitement
Trade anxiety for anticipation
Trade our story lines for possibility
And no longer indulge the past
At the expense of the present

Let us want more
Love more
And be more
Of the perfection
That already exists

Be love
And it will find you


Find previous Dating Commandment pieces here: One, two, three, four, five and six.



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Author: Kristi Kremers

Editor: Travis May

Photo: Wikimedia, graphic courtesy of author

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