Warning: Graphic sexual language below!
In my world view, sex is communication.
By that token, any way we can communicate with our beloved is a blessing. Whether it’s traditional sex, oral sex, massage, cuddling—or even that deep, dark taboo of anal sex. There’s a reason why anal sex is often considered less than palatable: besides the obvious unsanitary (but necessary) function of the anus, even the word sounds icky.
However, incorporating the whole of our bodies into our acts of intimacy only serves to deepen the bond we share with our partner. So, if you’re willing and in the mood, open your mind, relax your body, and let’s take a look at what anal sex can offer you and your partner.
Anal Sex Q&A
Let’s start by clearing up some questions about anal sex.
Q. If I enjoy anal sex, does it mean I’m gay?
A. No. No. No. And, no. Unless you are! Either way, win!
Q. Isn’t anal sex unhealthy?
A. It can be, like sex generally—if you don’t take proper safety measures. The rectum carries infection-causing bacteria. Be sure both partners are well-washed beforehand. To take further precautions, use a condom during anal sex, and change it every time you switch to vaginal or oral sex and back. If you’re not using a condom, you must wash before switching.
Q. What if I start and I don’t like it?
A. Of course. Just like any other kind of sex you might have. Of all the types of intercourse, however, anal sex requires that both partners are comfortable with verbal communication. Whether male or female, you have to trust your partner enough to relax and enjoy the experience as well as to speak up if you’re having discomfort.
Q. Is anal sex dangerous?
A. Not at all. As long as you start clean/use protection, go slowly, and remember that anything that is used to penetrate the anus must have a flared base to avoid it slipping entirely into the rectum. (Humans are built this way—sex toys are not always.)
Q. So, if anal sex is so great why isn’t it more popular?
A. Oh, but it is. In fact, over the last twenty years, the addition of anal sex into relationships in the United States has increased from 25 percent to over 40 percent. Perhaps we’re onto something. Still, many societies have a stigma against this kind of intercourse for religious or personal reasons.
The truth is that anal sex can be highly pleasurable for both partners. There are several nerve endings around the anus that, when stimulated, can enhance arousal.
And for men, the anus is the route to stimulate their prostate gland, usually causing a cataclysmically fantastic orgasm. More about that later.
First-time Anal Sex: Women
Technically this tip can be used if you’ve already experienced anal sex, but if you haven’t, here’s a great way to make sure your first time is truly enjoyable.
Many women avoid anal sex because they worry about the loss of control. You can avoid this by being the penetrator:
Have your partner lie down.
Straddle him, either facing him or away (the latter is easier for anal penetration), toward his feet.
Be sure he’s wearing a condom and/or that you have both washed thoroughly beforehand.
Use plenty of lubrication on his protected penis as well as your anus. (Don’t forget to have fun with the application!)
Take a deep breath and let it out. Repeat throughout.
Position the tip of his penis against your anus. You may wish to masturbate a little to relax the entire region.
Focus on relaxing all your rectal muscles, almost to the point of pushing them out.
Ease yourself down onto his penis as slowly as you wish, stopping whenever you feel yourself clenching up or experiencing pain. The more lubrication, the easier this will be. Feel free to add more lube of have your lover do it for you.
Each time you stop, breathe. Unclench. Then proceed.
The deeper you get, the more the pleasure will begin to take over. It’s a different feeling than vaginal penetration, so don’t have similar expectations. Anal sex feels more like a full body sensation, warm and exciting. For some women, it quite literally takes their breath away. (That’s another reason why breathing is so important.)
First-time Anal Sex: Men
Men tend to have more reservations about anal sex, due to the (unfounded) concerns that enjoying it may question their masculinity. Even those men who agree with digital (finger) penetration my draw the line at other objects like butt plugs and dildos being introduced.
Regardless, here are a few tips for first-time anal play:
Try it the first time during fellatio.
You partner should be sure you are well aroused. A semi-erection won’t be able to penetrate the tighter entry.
Using a liberal amount of lubricant, coat the anus as well as one finger (usually the middle one). Be sure fingernail is clipped short and has no jagged edges. An alternative is to slip a condom on the finger.
While continuing fellatio, your lover should trace around the outside of the anus, stimulating the nerve endings there. (Most men find this to be arousing enough, but it gets better.)
Slowly ease the finger into the anus, stopping briefly after each knuckle, until the entire finger has penetrated him.
Begin to draw small circles with your finger inside his rectum. Some men may not enjoy in-out movements, but you can always try both to see what works.
Prostate Gland Stimulation: Curl your finger toward the front of his body (as if gesturing, “Come here.”).
As you continue with oral stimulation of the penis, press and stroke this area. Sometimes just constant pressure does the trick.
Always be on alert for your lover’s guidance and communication. Remember: This is not a conquest; it’s supposed to be pleasurable.
Bonus Tips For Women
When you have become accustomed to anal sex and both of you know the speed and angle(s) that you prefer, you may try double penetration.
The first time, I’d suggest that your lover penetrate you vaginally while you wear a butt plug or insert a small dildo into your anus. Butt plugs are preferable, since they stay put. As you get more flexible with dual pleasure, you can switch to penile anal penetration with a dildo or vibrator in your vagina.
Bonus Tips For Men
Some men—particularly the first time they have anal sex—may lose their erection during anal penetration. It happens. If it does, relax, breathe, and let him decide if he wants to keep trying or try another day.
With prostate stimulation, your lover will probably have a very powerful orgasm. He’s probably going to be in such a state of bliss that he’s not going to be able to speak for a while. The idea is to keep him in The Happy Place as long as possible. Therefore, immediately after he climaxes, do not yank your finger out. Slide it slowly from his body to avoid shock.
Remember that anal sex, while it often carries an unsavory stigma, is still an act of love. A tremendous amount of trust is required between lovers in order to achieve the unique level of pleasure anal sex offers. The added benefit is that the trust—and ideally love—compounds after you and your beloved have taken this step together.
Sexy Relephant Bonus Read:
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Author: Rachel Astarte
Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: PROePi.Longo at Flickr