There is Something Better than Finding a Soulmate.

Via Debra Faith Warshaw
on Dec 22, 2014
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They say that when we’re choosing a tennis partner it is best to find someone that plays better than us so that it will help to improve our game.

Unfortunately, this kind of sucks for the better player if what they’re looking for is a challenge and the hope of improving their own game.

Romantic love works pretty much the same way…sort of.

Romantic love thrives best when both partners share a perception of equality  between them and it struggles when we don’t.

Perception of equality means something very different to equality in the traditional sense of the word. This is not equality based around superficial or materialistic things. This is not about looks, age, gender, life experience, power, financial status or even intelligence. This is not about equality “in the eyes of God” sense either.

This type of equality is based on how both partners feel with and about each other. It is of a spiritual nature with an “essence” and “felt perception” that comes from a shared commitment to certain principles, values and a well-developed sense of self…A “Soul Equal” if you will. 

Different than “Soulmates”—a term which can have more of an esoteric, intangible, serendipitous quality to it—“Soul Equals” are on similar spiritual paths to each other. These paths require choices and criteria beyond what we think of with a typical Soulmate connection. There are self-imposed standards here that are highly conscious and deliberate regarding ones thoughts, feelings and actions.

The two concepts often do merge, but not always.

Soul Equals truly value each other as equals and share an intention and dedication to the wellbeing and growth of themselves and the relationship. There is a strong mutual desire to keep healing and moving things forward. This happens through a daily practice of honest communication, self-reflection, and a high level of personal accountability.

When the sh*t hits the fan, Soul Equals do not run, hide or blame—instead, they pause, reflect and talk.

They support each other in the process of peeling away their layers.

When partners honor and live by these core traits and choices, a deep level of trust, honesty, adaptability, resiliency and unconditional support can flourish. And it flourishes well because of the wide-open space that’s created for safety and security. The ego may tempt, but rarely does it win.

The feelings generated through this kind of shared responsibility grounds the relationship with a tremendously strong foundation to build upon. Both partners can feel free and liberated to be their authentic selves and this will create a flow of high vibrational energy that will keep everything buzzing and humming with passion and aliveness.

We achieve our deepest levels of intimacy from this type of partnership.

These relationships are often completely mysterious to outsiders. We sometimes observe happy couples that seem to make no sense to us, yet they are blissfully happy. This is usually because we are viewing them through the lens of superficial, societal criteria.

Alternatively, when two people are not Soul Equals, if they are not aligned in many important and key self-development areas, the mismatched tennis game unfolds.

This will often show up when we begin a relationship because there is a strong physical attraction and perhaps not a heck of a lot more. Biochemical reactions take over and we ignore {or typically don’t even see} the half dozen or so red flags indicating the mismatch.

What started out with lust will turn pretty lack-luster faster than you can say “game, set, match.” A challenging dynamic of the fairly miserable kind will soon settle in.

The partner in the subordinate role will typically begin acting out of the fear of being left. They will abandon themselves and their needs and operate from the wounded ego; repeatedly giving in, hiding in the shadow of their partner, not voicing their truth, doing anything they need to do to hang on, remain “in the game” and try to win love and approval.

They may also take the opposite approach {with similar results} and repeatedly test their partner’s staying power by acting out and self-sabotaging anything positive.

The partner in the dominant role will fairly quickly become bored and frustrated by the inability to evolve and be challenged. Things will turn stagnant, the relationship will suffer a loss of respect, the connection will erode, resentments will build, and passion will wane, eventually grinding to a halt.

Intimacy cannot thrive in a union of misaligned souls.

So just how do we spot a Soul Equal?

Initially it’s really no different than any other way we look for a mate; attraction and compelling chemistry hopefully start us off. Then we need to chase that with a healthy dose of reality in realizing and accepting the intoxicating chemical effects of the honeymoon phase. Many of us get so sucked in and swept away by the early “high” that we lose our ability to be objective.

In order to evaluate if someone is a possible Soul Equal we need to take a deeper look and become investigative detectives looking for clues and evidence of a kindred spirit on the path—this is highly advisable before we run off to Vegas.

As we get to know someone there are definite things to look out for including: a person’s willingness and desire to take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and actions, their commitment to personal growth (what actions do they in fact take), how well they handle feedback and/or conflict, a fairly well developed (or developing) sense of self, an openness to share and express thoughts and feelings, and a wish to create an outstanding relationship.

Some of these things might reveal themselves fairly quickly but it’s more likely that it will take some time before we will see our new love interests “more authentic side.” For that reason it’s imperative to keep things light and unattached in the beginning.  We should keep communicating, stay intensely curious and try our best to leave our expectations and assumptions out of the mix.

We don’t need to be at equal points along every spot of our spiritual path; in fact, it keeps things more interesting when we’re not and helps facilitate greater learning opportunities. It’s really more about the desire and commitment to invest the time and do the work.

If after some time together we find we are “volleying” well on the relationship court, then it’s likely we have found our Soul Equal.

Bonus: Get some healthy relationship advice from sexpert Wendy Strgar:

And don’t forget about the most important relationship in your life:




Soul F***ing. 

Soul F***ing: A How-To.


Your Soulmate Isn’t Who You Think it is



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Author: Debra Warshaw 

Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: Robert Huffstutter/Flickr Creative Commons




About Debra Faith Warshaw

Debra Faith Warshaw is a shaken not stirred blend of warmth, sass, humor and heart, able to turn all of that on in the flash of a smile. This works well for her passionate calling as a certified "Strategic Intervention" life coach and personal growth-inspired writer. Debra is a different kind of life/love/relationship coach. Her private sessions focus on bringing light and awareness to her clients' unique challenges that keep them stuck in all areas of life. Debra works to clear any self worth roadblocks that are usually the main culprits keeping us from living at our full potential. Debra is passionately promoting the “Self Love Is Free” project; a movement that aims to bring awareness and inspire others towards living their most authentic lives through self love and acceptance. Join the movement on Self-Love is Free, Best Relationship CoachFB, Twitter, or Instagram.


32 Responses to “There is Something Better than Finding a Soulmate.”

  1. beachelf says:

    I very much enjoyed this. Thank you. I'm in a difficult place with a man I love, and this helped me to decide how to proceed. 🙂

  2. Debra Faith says:

    I am thrilled to hear that Beachelf. I wish you all the best with it and don't hesitate to reach out if you want further guidance.
    Much Love and Light
    ~ Debra

  3. haydenyates says:

    I have do have a soul equal, and it is a miracle to be able to experience this at this stage of my life, especially after two attempts at marriage. It's certainly like nothing I had ever experienced before in a relationship, and as soon as we both recognized this affinity we had for one another, my own soul soared along with hers. We live 1200 miles from each other.

  4. Reba says:

    I absolutely love this article. This is how I feel inside how I want to be with my soulmate. It's touched my heart, and was a great article. Thank you!

  5. Debra Faith says:

    That's awesome Haydenyates! You are truly blessed. Thank you for sharing that and confirming for others how true it is that we can find deeply connected love at any stage of our journey.
    Much Love and Light
    ~ Debra

  6. Debra Faith says:

    Thank you Reba. It means the world to me that my words have had that effect.
    Much Love and Light,
    ~ Debra

  7. Tweetybird says:

    Loved this article. I keep looking on the internet to find information related to couples that are MORE than even soulmates and this is the closest I have come to finding any information that touches even slightly at what I am referring to. We have a term for our soul connection , "wholemate" , and find that it far transcends the soulmate connection. I know that there must be more couples "out there" that have a similar connection and I am hoping that this site is helpful in finding them. Again the article was most interesting and I look forward to reading more interesting material on this site.

  8. Cyndilea says:

    My healing has finally happened. My husband and I split after 20 yrs together. I felt so rejected. Even though I was the one acting out. Your article explains everything. Like you are the translator between my head and heart. You found the words in plain English. Thank you.

  9. Debra Faith says:

    Hi Tweetybird, I'm so glad you loved the article, thank you. I love that term: "wholemate". How amazing that you have that. Thanks for sharing and for the inspiration!
    Much Love and Light,
    ~ Debra

  10. Catherine says:

    Good Article incognito xx

  11. Debra Faith says:

    Hi Cyndilea, I am so happy to hear that your healing has happened. I know how long and painful it can be sometimes and a 20 year marriage is quite a long time with a full encyclopedic level amount of history, memories and emotions to sort through. Brava to you lady! It is a testament to your strength and courage that you feel healed; many never find the way.
    I'm glad my article put words to your feelings.
    Much Love and Light,
    ~ Debra

  12. Debra Faith says:

    Hi Cyndilea, I am so happy to hear that your healing has happened. I know how long and painful it can be sometimes and a 20 year marriage is quite a long time with a full encyclopedic level amount of history, memories and emotions to sort through. Brava to you lady! It is a testament to your strength and courage that you feel healed.
    I am so glad that my words were meaningful for you.
    Much Love and Light
    ~ Debra

  13. aksara44 says:

    Absolutely love this, so true. Thank you <3

  14. Adrian Bratu says:


  15. Sadzida says:

    Hi Debra…. lovely article, full of wisdom, truth, warmth and love 🙂
    I am sure on your site there must be tons of articles about recognising self as the first Soul Equal (self love if you like)… I found that when I accepted and embraced my own soul as beautiful just as it was my Soul Equal just materialised – metaphorically speaking of course. It has been such a privilege to partner him on his journey and a pleasure to share mine with him. No, we don’t complete each other, because we are each already complete as we are but we can share love, joy and wonder. Thank you for such an eloquent article.

  16. Debra Faith says:

    YES Sadzida! That is exactly right – Love of self is our first and most important relationship to recognize. So glad to hear you have found this level of love both with yourself and a partner. How inspiring. Thanks for sharing.

  17. thundergodviking says:

    Wonderfully written, I liked your article

    My spin on from a related topic….

  18. Nat says:

    Quite possibly, this is the most honest, practical and non-esoteric post I have read on this site. It resonated very deeply with me.. I can only hope I am lucky enough to find and be with someone like this. But I am curious to know if non soul equals can work their way to overcoming their shortcomings and building a soul equal relationship? Or is it all just “destiny”? Thankyou for bringing a little light, joy and truth into my life that seems to be filled with nothing but lies and despair.

  19. Nat says:

    Quite possibly, this is the most honest, practical and non-esoteric post I have read on this site. It resonated very deeply with me.. I can only hope I am lucky enough to find and be with someone like this. But I am curious to know if non soul equals can work their way to overcoming their shortcomings and building a soul equal relationship? Or is it all just “destiny”? Thankyou for bringing a little light, joy and truth into my life that seems to be filled with nothing but lies and despair….

  20. Debra Faith says:

    Hi Nat, I am so glad you enjoyed my article and that it resonated so deeply for you. As for your question about whether or not "non soul equals" can become "soul equals" my answer is yes, absolutely! It will require desire, intention and commitment though. As I mentioned above, we do not need to be at the same point of our personal development path with our partner, however we must both be desirous of doing the inner and outer work. Then our actions must follow. As long as we both feel this sense of shared responsibility for who we are and what we bring to the relationship we can grow together. Hope that answers your question.
    Feel free to reach out to me through my web link if you'd like to chat directly.
    Love & Light,
    ~ Debra

  21. Dhanya says:

    Thank you for this, it resonates so well with me…unfortunately, i only wish i had come across this a year back, coz i started seeing an unequal marriage within a week of it happening…and since i perceive myself to be in the dominant position, i see no growth, i feel the fatigue and the drudgery of having to pull along a burdensome bondage….

  22. Robert says:

    Interesting article and brings to question the notion behind arranged marriages. In other words, given the author's direction that love is not simply some urge based event combined with a need to "investigate" personality characteristics, it could be surmised arranged relationships are not without potential.

    Of course arranged pairings would be dependent on the level of awareness of those who have tasked themselves with the responsibility. Furthermore, if such capabilities of arrangement were feasible, and by this I do not mean the simply notion of putting things in order or accommodate but coming to a place of wholeness, should it not possible to enable these traits on a larger scale.

    For example the author's description of "soul equals", does not come from some fairy tail notion but is in fact a by product of the act of loving in concert with perpetually maturing what it is to love.

    These actions, are described as accountability, an ability to communicate, and honesty to name a few. However these skills in and of themselves, are acquirable and transferable and thus are also learn-able given an environment to do so. Knowing this, if as a society we placed a higher priority on the training of these skills and capabilities, could it not in turn bring us to a point of passion and growth of the life we have then one of endless desire and longing for a relationship we can never realistically obtain ?

  23. patti says:

    AMAZING….I felt this to be MY message….going through a very peaceful break up…we know we are soul mates…have known each other many life times…yet…I am not on the same growth path as my EX….She felt we are not floating down the same river…I was paddeling up stream.. and this is very true…we laugh together with pure Joy like no other …share very intimate (raw) conversation that bring us both pleasure…agree to disagree yet value the others thought process…a relationship that is so connected and PURE…this article..TOUCHED MY SOUL..

  24. Debra Faith says:

    Hi Patti, I am so glad my article touched you deeply. Thank you for sharing your heart with me (us). I wish you much love, light and peace.
    ~ Debra

  25. Dr. Who says:

    Debra, why a new buzz word? "Soul Equal"? What you are really talking about matching based on ppls core values, nothing new here.

  26. Debra Faith says:

    Matching core values is certainly a key element here Dr. Who! Thanks for so simply pointing that out. I happen to like buzz words though, they're fun!
    Light and Love,
    ~ Debra

  27. Michael says:

    Thank you Debra,

    This has shed light on a very intense and hurtful past relationship that there is still ongoing contact because of a small child involved. I always felt identified with one of the two roles you described and now I am enamoured with this knew knowledge, hopefully I can help create more peace in our interactions and and move forward with less judgement and confusion. Thank you dearly.

  28. Bereji says:

    Hmmm, I do like the term “Soul Equal” and how you define it. It might me more than merely a buzz word. Words are powerful and maybe new words can convey new energies in. With “Soul Mate”, one can project so much stuff onto it (and culture and the media have happily done that for us). It seems more difficult to do that with “Soul Equal”. Being a “Soul Equal” sounds like it would be incompatible with taking on inauthentic roles.

  29. Lost says:

    Is it possible for someone to be your soulmate, or maybe even your Twin Flame/Spirit but still not be Soul Equals? And if so, what does that mean? Is it then “doomed forever”, or is it possible to be that and “grow into” equals? Further, is it possible apart? Maybe even necessary? I’m struggling to understand how someone can find you to be “perfect” and “ideal”, and say you’re everything they want and have always looked for but, even though the feelings are more than reciprocated, they claim not being “worthy” and choose someone else 🙁 – I know, “we accept the love we think we deserve”. I just thought that meant you didn’t look for ‘better’, I never thought that meant sacrificing both yourself and the person that IS the ‘better’ and find you more than worthy… I mean, who wins in that?? *sigh*

  30. Suhaila says:

    Dear Debra,
    Thanx for ur spiritual & soul enlightening article, i treally explained or pronounced alot of wht i feel or couldn't express befor, but i have a v. Important question, wht if someone already got stuck or married to a someone who's not her soul equal, then wht..
    Wht's the next step, if she's the subordinate one, should they just get apart ..?, she can't, cuz she love him & can't go on without him in her life, wht they shoukd do, how the story 'ld b..?
    Is there any way. Or certain practices to make them soul equals..?

    Thanks in advance.

  31. lightofhaiti/Nadjejda says:

    Thanks for this Debra, I really enjoyed reading your article. This sounds a lot like a spiritual partnership, have you read Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukav? You spoke of romantic relationship here when he speaks in other types of relationship as well. Of course as he says those who choose authentic power which the key element to a spiritual partnership draw people into their lives who become their spiritual partners and their life partners are one of their spiritual partners as well because their spiritual growth is very important to them. He says a spiritual partnership is a partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth. Very similar to what you described.

    I plan on attracting a life partner who is one of my spiritual partners as well.

    Thanks again, love and light,

  32. Tracy says:

    Great article. And just the thing I needed to read upon waking up this morning. I am at a crossroads and need to make some critical relationship decisions. Sometimes articles magically pop up just when you need guidance. This is one of those. Thank you!