Your Soulmate Isn’t Who You Think It Is.
Mark Radcliffe thinks you should skip the supermodel and go for the one who loves you even on your worst days.
Because there’s a big, horrible idea out there in the world of romance:
That if it’s not hard, it’s not real.
True romance must be earned, we believe. Struggled for. Barely survived.
If it comes easy, it’s wrong. Shallow. Too simple.
We must suffer for love. We must cry with certain regularity. Lose our faith time and time again only to barely regain it again.
I humbly submit that such a belief is the romantic equivalent of 100% grade-A bullshit.
Perhaps it comes from our culture’s puritanical beginnings. The notion that anything great is worth suffering for.
And while I agree that love takes work, patience and forgiveness, I don’t think it should involve perpetual, ongoing damage-control.
If the relationship you’re in takes constant, ongoing acrobatic maneuvers to keep it afloat, then it’s not a relationship; it’s a doomsday project.
Relationships, in general, should be easy.
If they’re taking a ton of work, a ton of the time, something’s wrong.
Chances are either that:
A) One (or both) of you is not a stable enough person to even be in a relationship to begin with, and you need to go off on your own to learn how to keep yourself perfectly happy with nothing more than yourself to sustain you. (And yes, I’ve been this person many times.)
B) One of you has unrealistic expectations of what the other is supposed to provide them on a regular basis. (And yes, I’ve been this person, too.) They think you’re supposed to keep them constantly entertained. Or wined and dined. Or sexually pleasured. Or emotionally rescued. Or financially bailed out.
Neither of which is sustainable.
Which is why I say the following:
Don’t chase the person you can barely hold on to when you’re at the top of your game.
Seek out the person you can be happy with even when you’re having a bad day. Or week. Or month.
Because those days will happen, many, many times over the course of a relationship.
And the person who’s only happy with you when you’re a superhero will not stick around when you finally become a mortal again and need them to be there for you, instead.
So skip the supermodel. The pursuit of own your personal Jessica Alba or David Beckham. It might be heaven for a week or two, but they’d probably dump you as soon as you failed to be the emblem of perfection for more than 2-3 seconds in a row.
That perfect pairing with the Mister or Miss Right we’ve all imagined in our hearts isn’t going to survive the endless ordinary days that real life is fraught with.
The person who’s truly right for you is probably cleverly disguised as the one you work with every day. Or the one who you’ve casually known in your circle of friends for five years. Who has seen you at your best and at your worst. And is still there, a big believer in your immense potential. And is probably an amazing kisser if you’d just give them a chance.
That’s the person it’s going to be genuinely easy with over the long haul.
So the next time you’re looking for the one, don’t look up on some stage or pedestal for some shining realization of your fantasies. Turn around and look behind you. At the person you might have overlooked. The person who is quietly everything you need them to be and more.
You just have to give them a deeper look.
—Photo he(art)geek/Flickr
* This essay originally appeared on The Good Men Project on 01/18/12
Incorrect source, offensive, or found a typo? Or do you want to write for Elephant?
I have to respectfully disagree… I spent 11 years with my college sweetheart, in a most easy, intellectually-stimulating, fun, adventure-filled relationship. Then I decided I wanted a baby and he took a lover to escape. I was sure I had lost my soulmate and would never recover. Several years later, I found myself knocked-up 4 weeks into a relationship that started at a bar with someone with whom I could not picture a future. That was 10 years and 2 kids ago, and i can honestly say this relationship is hard work. We don't communicate with ease or enjoy the same conversational style. We rub each other the wrong way a LOT. But we are committed and we make it work on a minute-to-minute basis. Easy is lovely. I really enjoyed it. But hard is ok too…and it has taught me a whole lot more about myself.
Same here. I ended an 8 year very easy relationship for a VERY HARD one is going on 2.5 years. I'm glad I had the easy, and I wouldn't trade the VERY HARD for anything.
I love that this perspective is being communicated. Too often, I hear friends say, "I guess relationships are supposed to be hard," in speaking about what seem to be major signs of imbalance and a sinking ship. Yes, relationships hold the key to showing us our triggers and allow us to heal and really work on ourselves if we are mindful, but they should not tax the very essence of our being and diminish our vital energy. When we think of our closest and truest friendships, they are full of love and commitment to one another, and are beautiful and full of connection; we rely on these best friends to support, play, challenge, speak truth, and philosophize with us. Sure we have disagreements and hurt feelings occasionally within friendships, whereupon we discuss and overcome these obstacles to allow us to grow closer. The foundation of a romantic relationship can be this friendship, and this is what I believe you are pointing to. What you wrote encourages people to seek a relationship that will uplift them, in the bigger picture… For if we are able to successfully establish trust for another person and know they love us in friendship, in high tide, low tide, through the unforseen, we are then free to start the work on the more subtle ways within ourselves to find the peace and happiness we are all seeking.
Thank you for sharing an incredible response to a fabulous article. I strongly believe that relationships begin with friendship which entails all of the good along with the hardships for that is what makes us human. And if we can remember to love ourselves, even at the most difficult of times, it will encourage us to feel and acknowledge the love from another. Thank you for sharing!
Just Posted to the Elephant Love: Loneliness, Dating & Relationships FaceBook page.
Jennifer Cusano
Editor, Elephant Love.
I'm sure every relationship is different, some more volatile than others (Gottman has some great things to say about this.) However, thank you so much for this, I really needed to read this right here right now.
[...] out, I needed to do that for myself. Love isn’t roots; it’s wings. Love isn’t finding someone to complete you. Love is already being whole, but broken open enough to let someone [...]
I really enjoyed this article. I had a relationship for over 4yrs. We split for personal reasons and tried to get back together… it seemed like one was trying harder than the other and that it just wasn't going to work out. The positive side is we were able to work on our friendship for a better cause. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if one would have tried harder still.
A couple of the preceding comments read like they come straight out of the book of Genesis. Bliss in the Garden, eviction, followed by toil in the fields. Yes, you make the best of it because the alternatives are far less attractive, but don't glorify it — because had you your druthers, you'd have been more grateful for the blissful situation instead of having taken it for granted.
I think that it depends on the person. I had an easy relationship, it was good, had its rough spots of course, and I could have stayed there forever, and wanted to. But much as I hate that I think I am going to end my very hard relationship now, I still liked this one for the passion. If I could find either I would be happy with it.
Great article!
[...] I forgave someone yesterday. For more than a year, a woman I used to love has behaved harshly and unfairly towards me. [...]
I am not so sure any more…there is something incredibly compelling about intensity in a relationship…That coming from a peace and ease, path of least resistance kind of guys is even surprising to me! But now that I am in that easy, pleasing, fun and compatible relationship I have been hoping for (and it's great) I really REALLY miss the hard work dynamics and delight of a far more challenging relationship…In my experience "easy" ends in ignorant bliss or stagnation, where a more challenging partner has lead me to tremendous growth through self examination and repeated contraction and expansion, and yes at a heavy price.
It is when we are cracked open that the light comes in and the shadows can become our teacher and our lover.
Nothing is wrong with either type of relationship. The question is what are you ready for?
[...] I believe you can have many soul mates. People come in and out of our lives for various reasons—each serving some purpose. However long or short their stay is with us, they are important. [...]
[...] [...]
[...] had told myself I should be happy. I’d married my highly successful economist-husband-soulmate, birthed two beautiful children, lived in an affluent waterfront community and was healthy. What [...]
[...] all do carry some things forth, but when you meet a soulmate, be prepared not hide any of it, whatever luggage you have comes flying off the [...]
[...] Your Soulmate Isn’t Who You Think It Is.. Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. [...]
A Little Johnny Come Lately Here :: But I Will Say With Out A Doubt The Best Relationship For Us :: Is The ONE That Authentically Has Us Look At Who We Really Are Within, In The HEART :: This BTW, Is A Two Way Street :: Intellect Will Only Go So Far and Is Doomed To Fail :: The Question Is, Are We Ready and Do We Have The Courage To Look At Ourselves At This Level :: When We Start To Become Deeply Rooted Within, We'll Quickly Realize, That The Sun Is Always Shining, No Matter How Bad The Stormy Waters Appear.
As So Precisely Stated Above By Kat " But They Should Not Tax The Very Essence Of Our Being And Diminish Our Vital Energy " No Relationship Should Ever Do This. And Fantasy, Well It's Just That, Fantasy, Ungrounded and Zero Reality.
Great Piece, I Enjoyed Reading It and Am Very Happy I Ran Across It.
Thank You,
[...] [...]
[...] few seconds of eye contact to establish a shared world between us. I used to think that this was how soul-mates find each other, but actually that’s not necessarily so. A wet meeting is more like a kind of infection that [...]
[...] Your Soulmate Isn’t Who You Think It Is. [...]
I am Thoroughly Encouraged by this article and by the comments above! I am Sooo Glad to see that some of us, at least, are finally, finally, starting to see through the illusions and myths (and Inappropriate Expectations) surrounding our ideas about "Romantic Love". I feel like I have been fighting this battle for most of my life, ever since I read "Invisible Partners" by John Sanford maybe 25 years ago now and came to a better understanding of the fascination and infatuation that are associated with "anima and animus projection".
Bravo! To All of You, for valuing your relationships, and friendships, for ALL that they provide, both comfort and challenge that is REAL in either case. Yes there is the possibility of pleasure. Yes there is the possibility of pain and growth. Yes there are going to be kind of boring peaceful times and more dramatic challenging times. But it is all about what you are Committed To. And if you are committed to the Truth of who you are and who the other person is, and you are committed to Understanding, so that The Other Person Feels Understood, (and, in my experience, that is where some of the hardest work is necessary), then … then… you start to understand what it really means to be a human being!
Again… Bravo! to everyone who has started to figure this out! (And if you want to see more from me you can check out my posts here: http://theblueturtleblog.blogspot.com/) I'm finally starting to feel not quite so alone anymore!
And in my excitement, I spelled out the wrong blog site… My Personal/Relational ("inner journey") posts are here: http://thebluemoonturtleblog.blogspot.com/. The other blog is for my "outward journeying" – Still good, though, as I am "Pedaling for Peace"… riding my bicycle cross-country in support of the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation and author and Peace Leadership Director for the NAPF, Paul K. Chappell. He's got a great book coming out in July called "The Art of Waging Peace". Okay…that's it for me! Peace Everybody – Both Inner and Outer!
Really oversimplified and trite writing! Wow, I feel like a 7th grader just told me like don't just look on the outsides, k? Or the texted it to me. Sorry, what this article lacks is any depth of understanding as to why people torture themselves to 'get love'. What if you are the type that NEVER goes for the model type and just for the guy who you get and who you feel gets you but yet he never wants to touch you with a ten foot pole bcs YOU are not a supermodel and he is looking for his comedic, philosophical and intellectual match but also with a "perfect' Boulder 'rexic yoga climber male looking hard body? I guess I just fall for gay guys–those are the ones that like the 'whole foods' shopper bodies. I should start going FOR the kinder vapid good looking guys that I usually reject.