This is Why I Wait for Sex.

couple holding hands

When it comes to sex, some of us really like to wait.

We aren’t waiting just for the sake of waiting and we aren’t holding back for reasons outside of ourselves.

It’s not because we’re afraid that you won’t call in the morning; it’s not religion; and it’s not because we don’t find you wildly attractive.

Please understand, that some of us just really like to wait.

When I go to the beach, the first thing I like to do is lie in the sun for a good 30 minutes. After I get really hot and sweaty, I just love walking into the ocean and feeling the cool water swallowing up my skin inch-by-inch.

The glorious contrast from hot to cool is an experience I really cherish and savor as it tickles me from my toes all the way up to my ear lobes.

Some people like to jump right in and that’s ok—I like to wait.

Men and women both have said to me,

“Why would you withhold something from yourself that feels so good?” 

Sex can be great when you don’t wait—but it can be better when you do. Much better.

It’s all about personal preference.

Let’s say I go out to a restaurant and order tea, an appetizer and my favorite dish, pad thai. Five minutes later the server shows up with everything I ordered, all at once.

I’m happy my pad thai is there; I love pad thai, but I kind of wanted to sip my tea for a while and enjoy some conversation with my date. Then I wanted to nibble on my appetizer, wait for that to settle and wonder with excitement when the beloved pad thai would arrive.

Ooooh! I see our food coming! I love that.

Fast food has its place too, but most would agree that eating at a restaurant is better. It’s not only the higher quality food, but it’s also the entire experience: the sitting down, taking a rest, enjoying the atmosphere and knowing that our food is being created with care while we wait in anticipation.

Even though we love pad thai, the experience wouldn’t be better if it was delivered within moments of sitting down, would it?

I wait because I want to feel comfortable with another: can I really let go of my inhibitions?

I wait so I can find out what turns the other person on: what makes them tick?

I wait because I love the anticipation: what will it be like?

I wait so we can be authentic: am I safe to be myself?

Our comfort with each other will give us the gift of unbridled expression, increased confidence and an ultimate knowing who we are when we are together.

The anticipation, the wonder and the excitement we feel before we have sex with someone for the first time is a gift and once we give that away, we never get it back.

Isn’t it worth the wait?

Having sex on the first or second date after an awesome, serotonin and oxytocin induced make-out session can be exciting. I get it. By all means, go ahead and do that if it works for you. But maybe give waiting a try?

Try talking about sex first. Ask your potential lover some questions:

What does sex mean to you? Who was your best lover and what made him/her so great? If we were to have sex, what would be your intention?

After you both answer these questions and find a place of sexual congruency, set some intentions together.

Create a playlist, choose a candle or incense and determine where this special experience may be shared.

And when the time comes start with some soul gazing or breath sharing or both. Make it as sacred and as magical as possible!

This is the first time that the two energies will have a meeting in such a divine way.

Make time for hours of foreplay and hours of afterplay.

Make time to have the best time, because it’s worth it.

Even if I make a strong connection with someone right away, even if I fall in love with another on our first date, there is something that only time can provide.

Spanning time together, learning what makes our beloved light up and building a friendship without sexuality is a very special and unique time in a romance.

This is why I wait.


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Author: Lealyn Poponi  

Apprentice Editor: Brandie Smith / Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: Michael Patterson at Flickr 


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Dec 16, 2014 5:50pm

Ugh, this article pulls onto my heart.

I should have waited with the guy that I fell in love with this past summer. He said it was okay but I should have waited. I wanted it to be more special. I was not ready even though I thought I was. It was not special enough ///// and I should have waited. :c

I had sex with someone else just recently too for the first time but I wish I could be more patient. I need more patience in my life. I love sex but you're right. It is nice to have the innocence and the comfort first and to take it slow. I don't know why I'm always rushing so fast. Ugh. lol

Thanks for writing this beautifully out.

Andrea Dec 16, 2014 3:28pm

Sometimes I think if I made a mistake by not waiting? I mean, I'm in a relationship with this amazing guy, we've been together for two months now and it's all good. Before being in a real relationship with him, we were for 1 year and a half in a kind of more complicated relationship. We were like friends with benefits, we kissed and we talked, and we knew we had a connection (though we never actually had sex / once we almost do it, but I retracted); but until now, we were never really something, we weren't in a real relationship. If you are interested in my story, you should ask: why? I don't know, At that time I was coming out of a relationship with someone who broke my heart, and my current boyfriend, has/had one of the worst reputations (womanizer, cheater, etc..). I guess that complicated everything, I didn't trust him; but honestly, I always liked him and I wanted to give him a chance, which I didn't give him until now.

** let's name my current boyfriend Mark because this way is easier **

Before giving Mark the chance, I had this relationship not worth talking about because it was just awful. I didn't really like him (let's name him Robert), but didn't know what to do, and when I was with Robert, Mark talked to me and kind of begged me to be with him. I always ignored him, but when I broke up with Robert, Mark was the first one I thought about.

Now that I'm with Mark I'm really happy, he's amazing, has shown real interest and everything, but I just don't know if I should've wait with sex. We're in a long distance relationship, when I wanted to give him the chance he came home to talk to me. Then 1 and a half month later he came back and we had sex. What's your opinion? was it really fast? Should I stop it? I don't know what to do.

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Lealyn Papaya

Lealyn Papaya is a curious lover of life who lives in Honolulu, Hawaii. Recently she “consciously uncoupled” with her husband of 9 years and now enjoys pondering and studying the art and meaning of love by diving into the teachings of OSHO, Rumi and Thich Nhat Hanh. She is challenging herself and others to drop limiting beliefs about love that have been passed on for generations. In addition to writing, she enjoys practicing circus arts, eating vegan food, starting cuddle puddles and causing a scene. To find out more about Lealyn, please visit her website.