And Then I Sat Down.

Via Meagan Morris
on Jan 14, 2015
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woman sitting thinking meditating

It has been a long road.

A really long, bumpy, maybe-I-rolled-my-car-over-a-few-times-on-this-journey kind of long road.

And I don’t think that makes me different from anyone else. It makes me…well, me, and my road has been long and maybe hazardous.

I don’t know if you are anything like me. I have come to learn a few really important things about myself:

I can be stubborn.

I can be cynical.

My inner rebel will sometimes win even if it doesn’t serve me.

I have held the fundamental belief that I can fix everything with my mind and abilities.

These four things have kept me from doing the one thing I have known I should do for at least the last 365 days.

The me that kept me from doing this thing was the me that said all of the following:

I don’t want to give in. I don’t want to accept that other people know something I don’t understand. And, as terrible as it is, I sometimes just don’t want to do something for the simple fact that someone told me to do it. Most importantly in my life, I don’t want to be a cliche. (I think if you asked me if I had a phobia it would be being a cliche.)

So I resist…a lot.

Ironically (at this point it is ironic, brilliant, beautiful, and maybe even funny) I had the honor, privilege, and life-changing opportunity to work for Elephant Journal. During this time I met, talked to, listened to, read, and was enriched by some of the most amazing—and I don’t use that word lightly—people on this planet.

Fantastic people.

Brave people.

People who made me want to be better.

People who made me understand that what they were saying made sense.

And yet despite all of those things, I couldn’t give in.

I learned two very important lessons from this experience.

1. There is something more out there than what I, Meg, can do.

2. Giving in and allowing that something more in, is really f*cking hard.

It is either a cosmic joke or cosmic intervention that life has gone as it has in the past months.

I was born a fighter (maybe not by choice). I was born a person who was seemingly programmed to resist injustice, the wrongs of the world, etcetera. This can be an awesome thing. But it also allowed me to develop the idea that I can use my intellect and hard work to solve any problem, to make anything right.

Enter the debilitating idea that will hold a person back for pretty much forever—the idea that we can control the world around us through our actions. (I really, really loved this idea for a long time.)

In my life I have fought everything:

Injustice
Sadness
Rejection
Breakups
Money
Rules
Reality

I was holding on.

Holding on to the one thing that made the world make sense—the idea that made the world safe and okay—if I just work harder, try harder, keep being more it will be okay.

I kept fighting. I fought my divorce. My friends. The man who didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I fought. I resisted.

Everything. Endlessly.

I tried everything I could to make things work with what I could do. Guess what? It didn’t work.

My desire was to keep intact this idea that I can affect the world around me by being a good person, a hard working person, a “smart” person—a person who doesn’t have to give in but instead can do more. This desire kept me from doing the simplest and yet most profound thing a person can do: sit down.

Let go.

Breathe.

Accept.

Meditate.

Life kept getting harder. Relationships kept falling apart. My notion of my self became more tarnished. My sadness and disbelief grew, and what I was doing wasn’t working.

And finally a straw came and broke it all.

The deep loss, disappointment, disbelief, and confusion that overtook me was like a wave so powerful I could only play dead to survive (If you surf you know what I mean; play dead until you are okay) and a person can’t live “dead” forever.

There was nowhere else to go and nothing I could do. (That is a really scary feeling.)

I couldn’t fix it. (That is a really frustrating feeling.)

And so…I sat down.

I gave in.

I decided to be present with myself.

To connect to my breath.

To slow my heart.

I needed guidance, so I did a meditation offered by Lodro Rinzler. It helped, and I was grateful for that because I was absolutely lost. Life felt out of control—which it may still be—but this was a beginning.

I have a long way to go and for the first time in my life I know I won’t get there by winning the race…but I may just get there by staying still.

By breathing.

By being.

By sitting.

Every day.

 

Relephant:

The Art of Letting Go.

 

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Author: Meagan Morris

Editor: Renee Picard 

Photo: Adolphe Borie: Girl Meditating / via freeparking at Flickr 

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About Meagan Morris

Meg is an aspiring storyteller and work in progress.

Comments

34 Responses to “And Then I Sat Down.”

  1. Zest says:

    Beautiful and this totally resonates with me. No one is an island and isolating will not keep you safe. You need to dig into the muck and be…really be connected to people. Good Luck! <3

  2. Noemi says:

    yes. I feel it. I know it. You keep control, you blame yourself because you want to be sure that everything will be ok if you try, try, try, force it. You, no, I forget that everything comes naturally and that it takes time. Naturally. You breathe, you feel, deeply. But it's hard, I know.

  3. Lisa says:

    Wow….I just loved this. I could have written it myself although it wouldn't have come out as beautiful. Thank you for sharing and I just took a deep breathe and let go (for a minute).

  4. Eric says:

    Wow. I want to marry her just because she explained me!

  5. Jaime says:

    A well-written piece about a hard but valuable lesson to learn. Isn't it amazing how much more enjoyable life is when you relinquish the idea that you can control everything? After my 'perfect life' collapsed around me last year, I was forced into letting go and allowing the Universe to show me the path.

  6. Meg Morris says:

    Thank you all for reading and sharing. I read this as it went up one more time and almost didn’t publish. Being vulnerable isn’t easy, being part of a community makes it much easier. Thank you. Meg

  7. Kim says:

    Fantastic. We can't control our universe. And we can't enjoy our universe if we constantly strive, and push, and force ourselves to fit into the square box that we believe we must contort ourselves. Finding your breath is both the hardest and yet the simplest thing we can do. Good luck on the journey. I hope you keep sharing, it will help 🙂

  8. Denitsa says:

    You helped.

  9. Stephanie says:

    This was raw, real and beautiful. Thank you.

  10. Meg Morris says:

    Thank you Stephanie!

  11. nate says:

    beautiful piece.

  12. Frank says:

    How beautiful to read that your found your path. I hope you enjoy every step of it. It's yours and yours only.

  13. Anne Marie Rowley says:

    This has been the battle most of my life. My whole world came crashing down on me. Still I refused to let go. I am just learning now but it is still a battle.

  14. Michelle says:

    Beautiful article, it totally made my day! May the Universe continue to provide you with the best…and continue one step a time on this bittersweet and beautiful journey called life. Thanks for writing the article and sharing it!

  15. Karen says:

    Can you send a link for the meditation that helped you

  16. Megan says:

    I feel this down to my core. It is me. It is my life. I’m still stuck in the resisting stages… very slowly letting go. Trying to build a foundation for my children and I. It is so hard and so tiring. Thank you for sharing. It’s good to know I’m not the only one that is always battling being a cliche. Peace and blessings to you!

  17. Lissa says:

    Oh this…this I understood. 18 months ago I was at this place….fighting to stay in a relationship full of lies. Sometimes as much as we want to fix everything…. We can’t. I’ve come to realize no one changes because I want them to, or need them to, not because I cried and begged. The only change I could make was in myself…and yes it felt like giving up….but it also felt like finally having some control in my life. Had to make a lot of changes, sitting down(or collapsing to my knees)…talking to others with the same issues, reading a lot, meditation and falling back in love with myself facilitated those changes. No, my ex isn’t any better…nor is my living situation but I certainly am better. For me…falling down onto my knees really was the first step…then building from there.

    Thank you for this amazing article. It spoke right to my soul!

  18. Thank you for sharing your inspired words! An enchanting reminder that when we are grasping towards enlightenment, finding it now within reach while sopping in ones own frailty, and indeed, we are perfection.

  19. Michelle Beck says:

    This was such a beautiful article. Amazingly well said. I have so many of the thoughts and desires you expressed in such an eloquent manner. Thank you for sharing!

  20. Krisie says:

    I have been playing dead for the last 2 months and beginning to wonder if I will stay dead forever. Thank you for your words. What you’ve written could be the recap of my very own life for the last 3 years. I’ve finally sat down. Surrender is the one little word that keeps flashing at me. Thank you

  21. Faith says:

    I have been playing dead for the last 2 months and wondering if I would be dead forever. What you've written so eloquently could be a recap of my life over the last 3 years and finally, finally I have sat down. I have always been a warrior, a fighter, but I am tired. So tired. Thank you having the courage to write these words. I have disconnected from everyone, because they all believe I should be fine by now. So I hide it, inside. The sadness and loneliness that I feel paralyzes me and yet I put on a happy face. Reading your words has helped normalize my anguish. I am finally sitting down. One little word that I keep seeing is surrender. And that word brings me peace. Thank you.

  22. Meg Morris says:

    Faith, I understand.. Everything you are saying. Thank YOU for sharing and reading. Good luck on your journey.

  23. Meg Morris says:

    Hi Karen. Sorry for the delay. This was specifically for the holidays but it really helped me think about empathy and letting go of anger. http://www.sonima.com/live-free/how-to-deal-with-

  24. Jen says:

    THANK YOU ! I stumbled upon exactly what I needed to hear within this moment 🙂

  25. Sue says:

    Like Faith, tired. So very tired. Thank you Meg, for this precious gift.

  26. Christy says:

    I love this…every word.

  27. Shari says:

    Crap. Just……crap. Yup. Thank you.

  28. Chérie says:

    When your heart stops and your soul recognises it's own truth in someone else's words…..powerful beyond measure. I hope you never lose the courage to write from that raw and honest place. Love this article

  29. Liselotte says:

    Beautiful and powerful, thank you so much for writing this. It resonates with me on every level. I'm very curious to know which meditation by Lodro Rinzler helped you. I love guided meditations and i'm always looking for new good ones.

  30. Elirat says:

    Thank you! I felt like you crept into my mind & soul and I saw it in words. Thank you so much for sharing & speaking my fears and vulnerability. You have validated so much – this softened me so.

    Many wishes for Peaceful sitting & openness to you!

  31. Sienna says:

    I’m at exactly this place right now x I’m s survivor and have always felt I’m fighting everything and everyone. Me against the world. Until three weeks ago, my three year old was sick and I broke. I finally admitted I needed support and help, and although my relationship with my family has always been problematic (to say the least), they stepped up. I’m feeling a bit stronger now, trying to meditate and practising yoga every day, I’ll get there. Just hope it’s soon xx I hope the same for you xx

  32. Shannon Thomson says:

    I don’t usually comment on articles like this, but this one is gold. Thank you for being honest, for exposing your own journey into letting go as it so thoroughly resonates with my own. I am, like you, also a fighter, whether by choice or necessity, I am still not sure. Regardless, sitting down and letting go, is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. Thank you for sharing your experience, it reminds me that I am not the only one who finds this a struggle, very much appreciated.

  33. polyureagirl says:

    wow, I've been searching…just found my answer…thank you so much….

  34. Mai says:

    I love how sometimes, things come to you exactly when you need it. (or when you’re finally willing to be open)
    This article is me. I am resisting what I KNOW I need.
    Thanks for the mirror and the nudge.