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February 6, 2015

Keeping Sex Sexy. {Adult}

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A great relationship doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but how well you continue building love until the end. ~ Orebela Gbenga

Ah, the beginning of a relationship. It’s a glorious thing. A time of discovery and celebration. Gratitude pouring from every fiber of your being for having been presented with this amazing human being you’ve fallen in love with, and (miracle of miracles!) who loves you back.

Usually, though, at some point early on a twinge of panic sets in: How do I keep this wonderful thing going?

We all want to keep that sexual connection we have at the beginning of a relationship. Not in a possessive sense, but in a healthy, constructive way. This article addresses a few of the ways we can maintain that intimate connection and keep it growing, as you both grow together and as individuals.

The First Time

Whether you’re a virgin or are simply having sex with a new partner, the first time can be nerve-wracking. How do you know it’s the right time? Will you be able to perform? Will your partner think you’re a good lover?

Relax.

Most of what you’re stressing about has no bearing on the first time in bed with someone. Think about it: How could you possibly know what s/he likes if you’ve never made love to him/her before? And vice versa. Essentially, you both are bringing to the bedroom all the past experiences you’ve had with other lovers and/or by yourself. Some of what you know may work, some won’t. There’s no hard-and-fast rule for being a stellar lover, so drop that notion and start fresh.

Here’s where the art of sexual communication is key. Think of this new love as blank canvas on which the two of you will jointly create a work of art. Start slowly, listen to your partner’s desires, watch his/her body language, and ask questions. I assure you that even the most inexperienced lover can become a master by treating each encounter as a new and treasured adventure.

Mark Your Territory

Quick and easy tip for spicing up your long-term love: Have sex in every room of the house. Not all at one time, of course, but over the course of about one month. It’s a great game. Not only is it fun to do, it’s possibly even more fun to fantasize which room will be next and how you’ll utilize it.

A few pointers:

Chairs without arms are fantastic for female superior positions

Kitchen sex can incorporate nibbles from the fridge or cool water from the sink tap splashed at just the right moment.

Bathtubs and showers are obvious, but try using ledges and/or (sturdy!) towel racks to anchor yourself. (Don’t use shower curtain rods unless they are bolted to the wall. Trust me on that one… Ouch.)

Bedrooms are obvious too, but try making love in another part of the room…like the closet or an easy chair.

Sex on the desk in her office…you can even incorporate a little role-playing into this one.

Sex on the living room floor is dreamy, if you set up blankets and pillows like a steamy slumber party.

Having (a) Sex Fast

Probably the last tip you’d expect in an article about long-term loving is to not have sex. However, taking a temporary break from sex is incredibly helpful…particularly for couples who have hit a brick wall in intimacy.

One of the biggest complaints over time is that the passion dies down over the years. Well, of course it does. As time goes on and comfort levels increase between partners, it’s not really practical to assume that we will have the same mad passion we had for our mates when the relationship was in its beginning stages. However, it’s not impossible if you adjust your definition of passion.

The mistake some couples make is misinterpreting this new phase of the relationship as a decline rather than an evolution.

If you find this is the case, take a mutual break from all sexual activity together for a period of one to four weeks, depending on the frequency of your sex life beforehand. At some point during this sexual fasting period, sit with your lover and make a list of at least ten non-sexual but physically affectionate acts that you really enjoy your partner doing with/for you. Switch lists. Find some way to incorporate each of the ten items into your daily lives together. Toward the end of the fast, make a “bed date” and try The Loving Touch exercise.

No matter how turned on you may get do not have sex during the fast!

By the end of your fasting period, you’ll understand that diminished sexual frequency is not always an indicator that the whole relationship is going south. Ideally what develops is a deeper connection between you, one based on multi-faceted loving.

Vacation Sex: Hedonism Revisited

No, you don’t have to book tickets to Paris or some tropical getaway just to have vacation sex. (But if you can, then do it!) Here’s a quick and easy tip that any couple can do, regardless of their home situation and budget.

Start with a plan. Pick a weekend date at least one month in advance, as if you were going on holiday. Circle it on the calendar.

Option 1: Book a hotel or bed and breakfast in your town.

Option 2: If this isn’t in the budget, plan to stay home. (If you live with children or roommates, arrange for them to stay elsewhere during your holiday.)

Start getting excited.

When the date arrives, unplug the phone, treat yourselves to a bottle of champagne, order in—whatever you do, don’t work. Pamper each other for a full 48 hours.

Bonus Tip: If you can stand it, don’t even leave the bed unless absolutely necessary. This is a fantastic and fun way to luxuriate with each other. (My record is 72 hours straight. If you can beat that, drop me a line and I’ll personally congratulate you.)

Happy loving!

 

Relephant read:

3 Things I Want My Lover to Know The Next Time We Have Sex. {Adult}

 

Author: Rachel Astarte

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Zoe/Flickr

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