The truth is most of us are ready for a new relationship at anytime.
New does not necessarily connote different and unless we’ve made huge strides with regards to personal growth, we’ll attract more of the same in our relationships.
We may think it’s a matter of meeting the right person.
If we’re holding a past partner responsible for everything that went wrong, a new relationship will bring the same response. It’s not the responsibility of anyone else to make us feel right or secure. If we’re still blaming the last person for a negative act which affected us, then the new one will eventually disappoint us too.
Some of us are still wrapped up in the “shoulds” story.
The story of “shoulds” are the rules we apply to our lives.
Everything is a story. If we fail to see our own reflection mirrored back to us from our mate, then we’re going to repeat the same tale of woe.
If we claim that “they’re bad!” and “we’re good!” we fail to accept ourselves. We’re not seeing our own flaws, our own mistakes and our own decisions, which helped to create the issues we had with that person.
How we exit a relationship is very telling of the relationship we have with ourselves.
How can we tell if we’re not ready for new?
If we meet someone and pretend to be confident when we’re not we might draw someone to test us in our confidence. Anytime we need someone to fill us up to feel confident, they become our drug. We’ll find ourselves attached, anxiety-ridden and immobilized because we fear loss.
We need to love all of our dark and our light, to value ourselves. Pretending means we’re not accepting who we are and it creates a wider gap within and that’s the energy in how we attract others.
If we’ve truly moved beyond a past relationship, we don’t have anything to prove to anyone else about what happened. We don’t need to cast the other person as Mr. Hyde and ourselves as hapless Cinderella. We can accept our part without blame. Remaining a victim means we’ll attract another persecutor. It’s a great way to remain emotionally unavailable, too.
If we’re trying to impress the other person while ignoring how we feel around them, we’re making a choice. We’re giving them our power. We don’t know reality unless we have awareness of how we feel around this new person. Not only might there be red flags, but we may be dating and mating in the same way we have always done in the past.
“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
Boundaries are awesome! Walls? Not so much.
If we hold someone at a distance until they prove themselves or keep an inner score card believing it leads to emotional intimacy, we’re going to be disappointed. If we’re still hurting from the last relationship, our expectations may be out of whack. With fear, we may have a huge wall. If we’ve grown, we’ll have boundaries; acting in ways that show we trust ourselves and our judgment. We don’t withhold, or build walls to be rescued, we’re open and act in self-respecting ways.
Communicating inauthentically or to defend ourselves means we’re not being honest with who we are. Walking on eggshells as a means to manipulate the person to stay or do what we want is inauthentic. We may think we’re communicating honestly when we give reasons for our actions, but in reality, we’re explaining away our responsibility most of the time—looking for acceptance.
If we can’t communicate honestly with ourselves, then we’ll attract someone who matches us in dishonest communication too.
“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.”
~ Lao Tzu
Author: Tracy Crossley
Editor: Emma Ruffin
Photo: Corie Howell/Flickr