April 9, 2015

15 Things Jesus Might Say (if he had social media).


*Ed. note: Elephant Journal articles represent the personal views of the authors, and can not possibly reflect Elephant Journal as a whole. Disagree with an Op-Ed or opinion? We’re happy to share your experience here.

While I can’t seem to wear the label of “Christian” with any real sense of truth, I can appreciate the Master who led a crazy band of followers through the streets trying to change the minds of those whose ideas were creating great suffering in his world.

I can appreciate the man who stood up to the self-inflicted notions of the “powerless man” by showing others their own power through the discovery, embracing and expression of the love that exists within us all.

I can understand the reaction of those whose power was built around their being special, or “chosen,” by the mightiest creation in their universe. I can understand their fear of man’s self-discovery, and the realization that Jesus was trying to teach that no man has true power over those who live the Love within them. I can understand their wanting to rid this Jesus and his message from the mindset of followers who thought they needed these special “leaders.”

I can also understand the mindset of those people who would eventually, and rather quickly, turn their backs on this enlightened soul. There is great fear that can be seen when exposed to the truth of your own power, and the realization that there is no heaven waiting for you outside of the one you create for yourself. There is a great unease that exists when you realize there is no great “plan” to save you, that everything happens for you and not to you.

When you realize you are solely responsible for you, your feelings, and your well-being, you also realize that you have no Great Protector, no Great Overseer, and that you are not a chosen anything. In your ordinariness you can realize just how special you truly are.

When you are used to grasping that ladder of faith, letting go of it can be a scary prospect. Seeing the world around you is often easier than having to live within it, especially when you are so used to the rut you pretend to climb out of, but never truly leave.

Those that climb out are, invariably, crucified by those who only see the walls. Others are threatening in their state of liberation, and we want to vilify them for not living in our patterns, in our belief that we were born into great chaos instead of great order.

Religion is, it seems, best serving men who, one day, no longer need it.

I wonder, what would it look like if Jesus had a blog, or a Twitter account, or a Facebook page? What would he be saying to his followers? Would he be roundly rejected by those around him? Or would he use humor to prove his point?

How many of his modern-day followers would unfriend him, or ban him, or call him out on his ideas?

I’m sure he’d have a few ardent followers, most of whom live vicariously through him. He’d be their “canon fodder” (purposely mis-used) so that they could agree with his ideas without ever owning them. Much like Peter, they would ensure they have plausible deniability when pressed for their allegiances.

Yet, what would be some of the things he’d be posting about? Here are some ideas, some are meant to be humorous, while others more poignant:

  1. I saved a prostitute from being stoned today. I guess someone wanted a refund. #ThingsWeDoAtTheGOPConvention. #MaryMagdeleneWasNOTAProstitute.
  2. I just raised Lazarus from the dead. He’s so pissed. #72VirginsAreReal #72AreNow69
  3. I turned water into wine. Single moms everywhere now love me. #BabeMagnet #eHarmonyMyAss
  4. “Peter is mad that I think Mary is da bomb. My God bro, relax. #BromanceEpicFail.”
  5. I went to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray. I was done, the guys were all asleep. I guess turkey for the last supper wasn’t a good idea. Plus, there was a marathon of the Bachelor on. Can’t blame them…
  6. I loaned Judas 70 pieces of silver like two years ago. #Deadbeat.
  7. I had a member of my flock yell at me for feeding a starving man today. Apparently, feeding the poor teaches them to be poorer. #ThingsIDidNotKnow.
  8. I learned about the Inquisitions today. I’m considering changing my last name since these morons are using it without my permission.
  9. Dear Joseph Smith, I didn’t say “wine” was bad. I said “whining” was bad. Drink up, my friend.
  10. I was just kidding. Jeeze, why don’t you just nail me to a tree or something? #ThingsYouDoNotSayToPontiusPilate.
  11. You know, I cured a man of leprosy 2,000 years ago, yet I can’t get rid of these damned bed bugs. WTF.
  12. Scientology, and other jokes we like to play. #HeavenlyPranksters.
  13. God promised not to kill humans with a flood again, so he created Monsanto. And fossil fuels. And Republicans. #ThereIsAlwaysALoophole #DickCheneyForEmperor
  14. I survived 40 days and 40 nights in the desert without food and water, but I’ll be damned if I can survive one Big Mac meal. #SquirtsThatHurt.
  15. Global warming is real. Soon, I’ll have to part the sea just to get my mail.



Liberal Jesus


Author: Tom Grasso (Gyandeva)

Editor: Travis May

Photo: crittercollective.net


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