Deep down inside there is an expansive web of interconnected galaxies of nothingness
So encompassing
So barbaric
So ancient
So ginormous
That all day long I fantasize about shrinking it all down into a jam-packed, shrink-wrapped, pea-sized package small enough to fit into the palm of my hand so I can carry it around and show it off to people when they ask: “And who are you?”
But deep down inside it is also neutral
of no importance
this day
this night
this moment
and especially the in-betweens
But deep down inside it is also urgent
immediate in fact
dire, definately
so, f*cking dire
that deep down inside I see myself gripping tightly on to sabotage
so that I can dampen the fire of my own being
before it explodes all over anyone who crosses my path
Because deep down inside I am living alone on a tropical island
feet bare
probably breasts, too
sustaining myself on wild starfruit
and gifts from the sea
alone
freeingly alone
terrifyingly alone
in my knowledge that there is only one way to be
alone
Because deep down inside I know I never wanted to be here
on this earth
that other lands have always tugged at my heart
and that the lessons here are great
but somehow not many
and that the pain will overtake me
leaving me breathless as if for dead
and then just as if joy had never left me, I will stand up again ready to ask once more
what is deep down inside
And deep down inside I know the answer will suck
and I will try to trade it in for a newer, shinier deep down inside
one that is more dramatic
or makes more sense
or matches my shoes
But my deep down inside will call to me again
it always has
in heaves and sobs
heavy, thick tears drenching my collar
and I will gag and ask for mercy
and tell whatever deep down inside that is in front of me to f*ck the hell off
even if it is the beauty of a river
or the glossy scales of a fish
or my own soul speaking the truth
And deep down inside I know this will be my prayer
my only prayer
singing out for all the lost souls
even mine
because this is the only prayer I have ever known
Author: Ruth Lera
Editor: Evan Yerburgh
Image: Flickr
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