May 9, 2015

How to be your Best Lover—in 3 Steps.


I was in pre-date negotiations with a fella on Match.com.

I blurted out, “Screw coffee dates and low expectations. I’m ready for an epic love affair.”

And then I started thinking, where would an epic affair take place? And then it dawned on me: an epic love affair takes place within and then radiates out.

We’ve all heard it a million times, that you need to love yourself first.

But how do we do this in practice?

To be your best lover, it’s all about making love in your day-to-day interactions.

Living life in an exquisite, artful way. A place where being replaces the need of believing that true love exists. Who would you be if there was no one to impress? Let this true-you come forth—look in the mirror and greet the soul mate that is you. Don’t look around—it’s you!

The bad news is there’s no one else to blame for the state of your heart. The good news is you are at the driver’s wheel in this freeway of love.

Here are three practical steps on how to be your best lover:

Step One: Make a list of 20 epic dating scenarios.

What is the epitome of a romantic, soulful date for you?

  • Maybe a hike with a special picnic with all of your favorite foods.
  • Deep conversation as a bonfire roars as you talk about the essence of a life well-lived.
  • Maybe it’s going out dancing, with an energy that leaves you breathless and joyful.
  • Or, jetting off on an adventure with no reservations.
  • Candle-lit yoga and a midnight soak.
  • Stargazing in the back of a pick-up truck filled with the truck bed filled with pillows.

Step Two: Next, make a list of 100 things that bring you joy.

I love making mix CDs for friends. Going to the beach and reading. What do you (the one that’s not trying to impress anyone) love to do?

One way to start brainstorming is to think of when you were little and completely in your element.

When I was little, I would walk around with my Fischer Price microphone recorder and would interview stuffed animals, real live people and also invisible friends. I reviewed movies like Footloose and used the recorder so much it had to be replaced three times.

I wasn’t doing it to impress anyone. I just simply loved what I was doing.

Select activities that engage your five senses.

What simple pleasures give you a spark of joy? I love taking the time to wash my hands as a form of sensual meditation. Be in the moment. Be here now. Making love in the every day means that you can have sensual experiences without it being about another person, or finding “the one.” You are the one.  Make a list of 100 joyful activities to remind you of all the things that light you up.

“A woman with confidence is hypnotic. A smile is mesmerizing. Presence, openness, a sense of humor—these are all things that make a woman attractive. We’ve all experienced the presence of someone who walks in and lights up a room. It’s never about their looks but about their energy. Allow yourself to light up the room by being your beautiful self.” ~ Jessica Ortner.

Step Three: Get lit up.

Start doing things on both of the lists.

Court yourself. Make beautiful meals, go out dancing, laugh until your belly hurts at the movies. Play hooky and wear something that makes you feel like you could set the town on fire. Go for a bike ride and make a vow to feel it all—the sun, the wind, breathe in the scent or whatever happens to be in bloom.

Date yourself. Be your own best lover.

“For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow.” ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Whether you’re alone or with someone, happiness is always an inside job. Stop waiting on the sidelines of life to experience the joy that can be yours right here and now. Be your own best lover and you will naturally create a well-spring of love that will spill over into every crack and crevice in your life.

Be here now. The search is over. Your best lover resides in you.

“Don’t let your soul get lonely child
It’s only time, it will go by
Don’t look for love in faces, places
It’s in you, that’s where you’ll find kindness
Be here now, here now”

~ Ray LaMontagne


Relephant Reads:

This is What I Know about Love.


Author: Kristi Kremers

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Image: flickr

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