A Thank You Letter to the Men Who Didn’t Have the Balls to Claim Me.

Via Kate Rose
on Jun 25, 2015
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This is a note of thank you to all the men who never had the balls to claim me.

Although I am a strong and independent woman, I have a secret cavern inside my heart that is open to be claimed—but never owned.

And while I realize I still have so far to travel on this journey, I also feel immensely thankful for all those “maybes” and “what ifs.”

I’m thankful for those that were intimidated by my wild heart because it taught me that I have two choices in life—to either live within the boundaries of their comfort level, or to say f*ck it, and be my own self—wild and all.

Thank you for teaching me to embrace, love and revel in my wild.

I am appreciative for those who I made uncomfortable with my truth. It was only through learning how much others don’t like the truth exposed, to learn for myself how much I crave its very existence—if truth were a drug it would be my favorite high.

Thank you for teaching me to never be afraid of the darkness that the truth may hold.

I’m gratified for each and every time that I felt I wasn’t getting what I needed from a man—because in fact I wasn’t. It was only through looking at what I didn’t have that made me realize what I do want. While I may travel along empty back roads by myself at times, I also have realized that it’s okay to not accept less than what I deserve, regardless of if it makes sense to others or not.

Thank you for showing me everything that I don’t want, so that when I finally come face-to-face with what I do want—I’ll have the courage to go after it.

I am thankful for the insecurities that your actions brought out in me, because if it hadn’t, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. In looking at what emotions the behaviors of the others were triggering in me I had the ability to look at myself and make the choice on how I wanted to feel. It was only through this experience that I learned no one can make me feel a certain way unless I give them permission to do so.

Thank you for helping make me into the strong confident woman that I am today.

Even though at the time it is never easy, I am simply so grateful that you never loved me enough. We never love the same way twice, and while I know in your own way you did love me, it wasn’t the kind that could keep me warm on a blustery winter’s eve. Thank you for showing me that I don’t want someone to be only half in love with me, or to merely appreciate me—but to leave them breathless.

Thank you for teaching me that the love I seek is the one that is extraordinary.

I am so grateful that I was able to feel what it was like to be trapped by normality, because it taught me that I will never fit into any sort of box or label. I was not put here to make others feel comfortable, but instead to make them feel alive.

Thank you for never appreciating me for my individuality and spirit, because it taught me how important it is to stay true to myself.

Although being alone was tinged in isolation at times, I realize now that it was in those moments that I was able to take root and bloom into myself. Finding our own way in this world where so many think they know what is right for each of us is the most difficult work we will do. I will always be grateful for you trying to change me so that I was able to realize I am exactly as I should be

Thank you for leaving me with my loneliness so I could find my way back to myself.

I am so appreciative for you having tried to make me the woman behind the man, because it was there in the shadows I learned that I am meant to be a partner and nothing else. I can create a lot more trouble in this world next to a man who appreciates the burn of originality.

Thank you for attempting to dim my light so I learned that I needed to burn as bright as I could.

Thank you for being afraid of the power of my sexuality, and the mysteries of my eyes because it taught me that only those who can match my passion should be allowed to share in it with me.

Thank you for being scared of my intelligence and the depths of my mind, because it taught me there is a difference in loving how I look, or how I make you feel versus loving who I really am.

Thank you for not being the man that I needed, so that instead I was able to see the woman I already was.

Thank you for never having the balls to stake a claim on my heart, because it left the space and opportunity for someone who will be brave enough to take a chance on the wonderful desire of the unknown—someone who will cultivate every trait you tried to suppress.

Thank you for being all wrong, because it showed me what right will look like—and for that I will always be eternally grateful.

“The right man will love all the things about you that the wrong man was intimidated by.”  ~ Unknown



{A Response from the Author}

To the Men who didn’t have the Balls to Claim Me: I’m No Angel, Either.

Love yourself instead:

And think about all the positive little things of being single:


Author: Kate Rose

Editor: Travis May

Images: Flickr/Franca Gimenez



About Kate Rose

Kate Rose is an artist, free thinker, lover, writer, passionate yogi, teacher, mother, rule breaker, and rebel. She can usually be found walking barefoot in the moonlight between worlds with the dreams of stars still hanging in her hair, swaying her hips to the music of life and smelling of sweet bourbon and honeysuckle. She lives for adventure and wakes each morning with the excitement of a new day waiting to unfold at her feet. She truly believes the best is yet to come and waits, with bated breath, to see what it may hold. Follow her on TwitterFacebook or Instagram, and find more of her words on her website


129 Responses to “A Thank You Letter to the Men Who Didn’t Have the Balls to Claim Me.”

  1. Eric says:

    Wonder what the other side of the story is? Things are never this one sided in reality.

  2. neo says:

    well said – 'Two people fit together or they don't' rest is expression of our own complexities

  3. jill says:

    wow. well written but I am sad that just an interesting woman would give credit to all the negative people to have made her the person she is. You are really never free until you craft the person you want to be and attract similar people, instead of claiming to be a product of everyone else's default.

  4. Dan says:

    You remind me of what dad told me at my first wedding. Knowing I was nervous, he came up and whispered to me, "This gets easier the more times you do it!" Life ain't no home-run derby. Maybe moving the ball between the goal lines is more appropriate. Relationships involve business-model roles, regardless of whether or not a partner's got plumbing outside or inside; ability to be so resilient and pliable, regardless of the age, you can always qualify as "first print"; and crafty enough to always be someone's junkyard dog awaiting a chance for the jugular. And above all, yes, it takes a willingness to "take the plunge!" God bless you, Little Princess! Your time is at hand.

  5. Cat says:

    The fact that you buy into the whole "alpha male" thing tells me that you probably use that as an excuse to why you can't get a girl or the type of girl that you want, and that all girls are just looking for a 6' tall guy with a 6-pack and a strong jaw. Let me guess, you also believe that you're simply a "good guy" and all girls just go for assholes? I hear guys say that all the time, almost on the daily. In the end if that's what you want to believe, then fine, but don't be surprised if it doesn't get you anywhere. I hope this isn't new to you, but women (like men) are not all the same. Some can be superficial while others care more about what's on the inside…..

    On the other hand I don't disagree that the problems in her relationships aren't one-sided and that she too probably contributed to their demise.

  6. MadelineKarita says:

    Wow, its always weird to read an actual realistic article and in the comment section people automatically denounce it as if no male on earth is afraid of women , as how could the glorious male members of our species be afraid of …women. No majestic male could do those things to a woman and obviously its a woman's fault because its happened to her a number of times and she is a common denominator. She must have been a special case who just happened to meet the wrong men , blah blah fucking blah .Not to shit on the rape culture comment parade but women are treated like shit all the time with no cause or provocation . And if men weren't afraid of women in some regard then why have the Witch Hunts, the fights against planned parenthood, the fact we get paid less, the lack of gender equality in almost every culture. Why are we constantly belittle for being female ? Why when little boys cry we tell them to what "stop acting like a pussy " and to " stop crying like a little girl " .Sorry but she is right , in fact your protest only furthers home her point and exposes the flaws in your argument against her article.

    Fuck that hippie all people just need a hug and a puppy some people are just assholes,and a large population of men god forbid since you run the planet are just scared of women.

  7. Adrienne says:

    Thank you for putting all of that in writing. You expressed everything I've thought to myself at different points in time.

  8. Virginia says:

    Beautiful! Thank you. I was going to leave it at that, but after reading through a quarter of the responses to this article, I am inclined to write a bit more. I applaud your honesty as a woman and am inspired by the responses of both men and women to what you have put into words. I am also dismayed by the responses of so many men and women who seem to be challenged by and fearful of the power of an individual (man or woman, though more likely challenged by a woman) willing to speak his/her truth. While your article spoke to my heart, your responses to harsh and personal criticism spoke to my soul. Thank you.

  9. The truth says:

    Your welcome. Im so glad we got to be a lamb on the alter of your important life. This gal is way too self absorbed. You are not that important. The sooner you get that the happier you will be. Also theres some guy out there thanking you because you didn't have the ovaries to claim him. GTFO

  10. Marc says:

    Thank you for this perfect example of everything that is wrong with American women in the 21st century. This type of attitude: "I AM WOMAN and I am awesome and if anything doesn't work out, it’s not because of me, it's because of everyone else in the world."

    The "Women are Strong and Independent cult".

    I will get all kinds of women from this online social media cult trying to say I'm a chauvinistic pig, but the truth is I'm actually a really nice guy who also dislikes the guys who treat women Like they are only good for "cooking, cleaning and one other thing"; I think this article and he vast majority of women that think it is the description of a golden happiness to model their lives after are the opposite extreme of those types of men.

    Both are ignorant and misguided… and feed off each other to perpetuate their beliefs.

    I believe the Author is still fairly young and very beautiful, she can get away with this attitude, not because she's strong, but because she still gets attention everywhere she goes and therefore has unrealistic expectations. I think she is naive and is, in fact, hurting a lot of other women by fantasizing her so called "strength and independence". I don't believe its strength to shut out people and call them (in more specific and detailed terms) unworthy. On the contrary I think it's a weakness to ignore the truth and tell yourself there's nothing wrong with you, it’s EVERYONE ELSE in the world who is the problem, but never you. That is what this article is encouraging: it's telling people to NOT work on getting along with other people; NOT to have understanding, to NOT learn how to compromise, and to NOT have empathy. ::: To PROJECT your problems onto men.

    Here’s another perspective, also by a woman: http://bit.ly/1O4Du3E

    A couple other articles, by men and women, trying to help dispel the myth:

    There was one thing in this article that I think was 100% spot on and agree with completely:
    "It was only through this experience that I learned no one can make me feel a certain way unless I give them permission to do so."

    And before you all take the easy way out and make a completely uneducated opinion about the type of person I am, here is a link to my G+ page which pretty much describes who I am and great detail by the posts I put on my feed. I’m not perfect, I’m not awesome, and I’m definitely not an expert on this subject, probably like everyone else who is posting here, but I felt a strong need, after reading this article and all of the comments, to post an alternate point of view. Also, I am over 40, born in 71 and I have a very wonderful and beautiful woman in my life who is 3 years older than me, a Nurse by trade whom I love very much and treat with all the love and respect I possess. I never share my personal life details, but I have here in hopes that maybe 1 or 2 people will take me seriously.

    I’m putting this last because it’s very important and because it’s a disclaimer: by no means am I suggest women who are single and choose to be single are in the wrong. If you assumed that’s what I was saying then take a good look at yourself- you are the problem; you don’t’ have perspective, you jump to conclusions!
    My main point is actually this: choose our life any way you want, but don’t blame your choices on other people as a way to avoid acknowledging your own inadequacies / issues.

    AND even more important than that, putting up walls doesn’t necessarily set you on a path where good men will meet you at the finish line. I think it’s just as likely, good men will see that as a negative personality trait and pass by on their way to a strong woman who is an individual thinker and has the intellectual and emotional maturity to understand quality relationships have give and take; balance; compromise; understanding; love.

  11. ChuckBabs says:

    I couldn't agree with you more. Simply take the word "balls" out, and you've described my philosophy towards women pretty much word for word. Unfortunately for me, I have balls. So I'm pretty much expected to do the chasing. I'll probably be single forever. I'm learning to live with it.

    Keep in mind that I am not being sarcastic in the least. I agree with your view completely and I'm not very big on gender roles. I wish more people, both men and women, thought the way that you do.

  12. Mc says:

    An identical artical can be written, “Thank you for being a passive girl dependent on the guy making the move.” If you define your existence the way the article states, you’ll get passed up forever.

  13. Mary says:

    Wonderful article. We deserve someone to love who loves us equally. Too much fake people out for their own various reasons.. loved your article!

  14. TPrice says:

    I looked @ this as not every relationship is not perfect and thanks for showing me what I need to do and how it really feels to know when you are ready to fall in love and the one you are with is not that one- So basically thank you for not holding me back. Letting me go and allowing me to move forward? I guess I was very mis interpreted. Didn’t take it as a feel sorry for me bit. Then again I guess I am thankful the one I thought I was in love with because I was not in love at all. So I thank him. I didn’t have to stay and wasn’t pressured. Maybe this woman needs a little credit. Amazing article as far as I am concerned….

  15. CharriH says:

    Thank you so much for this article. It means so much and matches me internally. The letter can only be written from the heart through experiences and I'm sure so many of us unfortunately and fortunately can relate. I am also grateful to those that tried to change me, model me to fit their needs, for those things made me realize I am who I am and shouldn't have to change for others. They were just not the right men for me. Each one taught me, unknowingly to them and me that I need to remain strong and true to myself in order to be true to others. They are right for someone, just not me. My heart is open and will too, one day, find someone that completes and compliments my extraordinary different aspect of feelings, compassion, passion of life and living. Truth is real and at times hurtful on both sides, but staying true to others is the only way to be truthful to ones self, ones, soul and through experiences is how one finds themselves. Thank you again.

  16. Klara says:

    Hi Kate. I wanted to love this piece. I really did.
    As a woman who has deeply felt the full weight of grief in the aftermath of several broken long-term relationships, (currently happily married, late in her 30’s) I understand your need to express your relationship experiences and learnings about yourself. Sadly, the public nature of this makes every sentence in this article screams the opposite to ‘strong and independent woman’. It screams self-absorbance, self-centeredness, and a lack of understanding or readiness for a mature two-way respectful relationship. This, all alongside a disturbing disrespect for those men you once chose to be close to. You take zero personal responsibility, apart from btw- I’m no angel 😉 Did you provide these men with their perfect needs and as much as you say you say they did not fufill yours?
    Surely a basic respect for men should be equal to the amount of respect you expect for yourself and other women. Imagine a headline “A Thank you to the women who didn’t have the right tits to claim” I am quite sure you wouldn’t appreciate reading that.
    You have diminished those who have helped you on your journey to display your own magnificent bright, wild light! I only hope that your new, courageous, better self starts thinking and writing more about the growth, feelings and endless mysteries behind other’s eyes, as much as you do thinking and writing about about your own.
    Journey on. I wish you all the more growth, love and understanding for your future. We all have places to go, each person’s journey is as important as those we travel with, or leave behind.

  17. Simon Bailey says:

    You sound exactly like the woman I should have met forty years ago. Instead, I blundered my way through five live in relationships, two of which were marriages and I'm out the other side at age 67 and with similar feelings (from a male point of view) to those you have.

    I've given up chasing the hope of a close relationship, but I can tell you there are also many wishy-washy women out there who don't fully engage mentally and only think of themselves.

    The good news is: I don't have to go through it all again 🙂

    Interestingly – you say what you wanted, but you don't seem to major on what you had to offer.

  18. Loved this, it works both ways for men who were never loved properly by women, and I shared it on facebook so both sexes can find the soul food in it. Divine timing as always <3

  19. Anonymous says:

    Look it’s not that men are lacking the balls to ask you out. It’s just nice guys who ask you out, you repeatedly reject them. For you are not attracted to them. For they are too easy to get, they don’t know how to make a woman pursue them. I can still have you if I wanted to, for I don’t need a woman’s approval. I am always in charge, the moment you try to take control, your gone.

  20. uypoi says:

    ' I can still have you if I wanted to, I don't need a woman's approval'. 'I am always in charge, the moment you try to take control, your gone.' NARC ALERT !!!

  21. joe says:


  22. Valerie says:

    I wish I could send that letter to my ex husband. It is so incredibly true of my situation.

  23. Cindy says:

    Why such a need to make all your exes "wrong"? Maybe they were not wrong. Maybe they had huge balls and still didn't want you. Maybe they were just not into you. Maybe you were the one that was all wrong for them. Try having them be right. If I were a guy I would not come anywhere near the woman who wrote this article, it would look to me like a total losing proposition! Good luck to you.

  24. Brandy says:

    Exactly. Total bull shite. You just want to feel better about being dumped or never claimed. Maybe she really was a needy clinging wet blanket who always had to be right. Sounds like it from what I read. Lucky escape for the dudes, for sure. LOL

  25. Tina says:

    A man that didn’t appreciate this poem …you are the one she’s talking about. Love it…All

  26. leonard says:

    Wow! What a bitter, unhappy person! I pray that she does not have a gun permit!

  27. Bee says:

    Thank you for this. This past summer I left my husband of 9yrs. I started dating again and it's been tough. I met one amazing gentleman who ended up running for the hills. I was so disheartened. Then I realized it wasn't me, it was him. I have grown into a strong, independent and sometimes wild woman and it was just too much for him to handle. I am grateful for meeting him, still. He gave me hope that somewhere there is a gentleman like him who will love me for all my wild and unruly quirks! Your message was a reaffirmation of just that! Love and light to you!

  28. Grace says:

    Thank you! This is hands down the best content I have read on this site. After struggling with a dead marriage, and a narcissistic partner, this gave me such peace to read. Thank you again. Keep writing, your work has real impact.

  29. Gab says:

    How did he look like ?