A Thank You Letter to the Men Who Didn’t Have the Balls to Claim Me.

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This is a note of thank you to all the men who never had the balls to claim me.

Although I am a strong and independent woman, I have a secret cavern inside my heart that is open to be claimed—but never owned.

And while I realize I still have so far to travel on this journey, I also feel immensely thankful for all those “maybes” and “what ifs.”

I’m thankful for those that were intimidated by my wild heart because it taught me that I have two choices in life—to either live within the boundaries of their comfort level, or to say f*ck it, and be my own self—wild and all.

Thank you for teaching me to embrace, love and revel in my wild.

I am appreciative for those who I made uncomfortable with my truth. It was only through learning how much others don’t like the truth exposed, to learn for myself how much I crave its very existence—if truth were a drug it would be my favorite high.

Thank you for teaching me to never be afraid of the darkness that the truth may hold.

I’m gratified for each and every time that I felt I wasn’t getting what I needed from a man—because in fact I wasn’t. It was only through looking at what I didn’t have that made me realize what I do want. While I may travel along empty back roads by myself at times, I also have realized that it’s okay to not accept less than what I deserve, regardless of if it makes sense to others or not.

Thank you for showing me everything that I don’t want, so that when I finally come face-to-face with what I do want—I’ll have the courage to go after it.

I am thankful for the insecurities that your actions brought out in me, because if it hadn’t, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. In looking at what emotions the behaviors of the others were triggering in me I had the ability to look at myself and make the choice on how I wanted to feel. It was only through this experience that I learned no one can make me feel a certain way unless I give them permission to do so.

Thank you for helping make me into the strong confident woman that I am today.

Even though at the time it is never easy, I am simply so grateful that you never loved me enough. We never love the same way twice, and while I know in your own way you did love me, it wasn’t the kind that could keep me warm on a blustery winter’s eve. Thank you for showing me that I don’t want someone to be only half in love with me, or to merely appreciate me—but to leave them breathless.

Thank you for teaching me that the love I seek is the one that is extraordinary.

I am so grateful that I was able to feel what it was like to be trapped by normality, because it taught me that I will never fit into any sort of box or label. I was not put here to make others feel comfortable, but instead to make them feel alive.

Thank you for never appreciating me for my individuality and spirit, because it taught me how important it is to stay true to myself.

Although being alone was tinged in isolation at times, I realize now that it was in those moments that I was able to take root and bloom into myself. Finding our own way in this world where so many think they know what is right for each of us is the most difficult work we will do. I will always be grateful for you trying to change me so that I was able to realize I am exactly as I should be

Thank you for leaving me with my loneliness so I could find my way back to myself.

I am so appreciative for you having tried to make me the woman behind the man, because it was there in the shadows I learned that I am meant to be a partner and nothing else. I can create a lot more trouble in this world next to a man who appreciates the burn of originality.

Thank you for attempting to dim my light so I learned that I needed to burn as bright as I could.

Thank you for being afraid of the power of my sexuality, and the mysteries of my eyes because it taught me that only those who can match my passion should be allowed to share in it with me.

Thank you for being scared of my intelligence and the depths of my mind, because it taught me there is a difference in loving how I look, or how I make you feel versus loving who I really am.

Thank you for not being the man that I needed, so that instead I was able to see the woman I already was.

Thank you for never having the balls to stake a claim on my heart, because it left the space and opportunity for someone who will be brave enough to take a chance on the wonderful desire of the unknown—someone who will cultivate every trait you tried to suppress.

Thank you for being all wrong, because it showed me what right will look like—and for that I will always be eternally grateful.

“The right man will love all the things about you that the wrong man was intimidated by.”  ~ Unknown

~

Relephant: 

{A Response from the Author}

To the Men who didn’t have the Balls to Claim Me: I’m No Angel, Either.

Love yourself instead:

And think about all the positive little things of being single:

 

Author: Kate Rose

Editor: Travis May

Images: Flickr/Franca Gimenez

 

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Kate Rose

Kate Rose is an artist, free thinker, lover, writer, passionate yogi, teacher, mother, rule breaker, and rebel. She can usually be found walking barefoot in the moonlight between worlds with the dreams of stars still hanging in her hair, swaying her hips to the music of life and smelling of sweet bourbon and honeysuckle. She lives for adventure and wakes each morning with the excitement of a new day waiting to unfold at her feet. She truly believes the best is yet to come and waits, with bated breath, to see what it may hold. Follow her on TwitterFacebook or Instagram, and find more of her words on her website

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anonymous Feb 5, 2016 7:48pm

Thank you! This is hands down the best content I have read on this site. After struggling with a dead marriage, and a narcissistic partner, this gave me such peace to read. Thank you again. Keep writing, your work has real impact.

anonymous Jan 25, 2016 8:12pm

Thank you for this. This past summer I left my husband of 9yrs. I started dating again and it's been tough. I met one amazing gentleman who ended up running for the hills. I was so disheartened. Then I realized it wasn't me, it was him. I have grown into a strong, independent and sometimes wild woman and it was just too much for him to handle. I am grateful for meeting him, still. He gave me hope that somewhere there is a gentleman like him who will love me for all my wild and unruly quirks! Your message was a reaffirmation of just that! Love and light to you!

anonymous Jan 23, 2016 8:06am

Wow! What a bitter, unhappy person! I pray that she does not have a gun permit!

anonymous Jan 19, 2016 10:09pm

A man that didn’t appreciate this poem …you are the one she’s talking about. Love it…All

anonymous Jan 11, 2016 8:02am

Why such a need to make all your exes "wrong"? Maybe they were not wrong. Maybe they had huge balls and still didn't want you. Maybe they were just not into you. Maybe you were the one that was all wrong for them. Try having them be right. If I were a guy I would not come anywhere near the woman who wrote this article, it would look to me like a total losing proposition! Good luck to you.

anonymous Jan 9, 2016 3:05pm

I wish I could send that letter to my ex husband. It is so incredibly true of my situation.

anonymous Dec 5, 2015 4:58am

Look it’s not that men are lacking the balls to ask you out. It’s just nice guys who ask you out, you repeatedly reject them. For you are not attracted to them. For they are too easy to get, they don’t know how to make a woman pursue them. I can still have you if I wanted to, for I don’t need a woman’s approval. I am always in charge, the moment you try to take control, your gone.

    anonymous Dec 25, 2015 4:58pm

    ' I can still have you if I wanted to, I don't need a woman's approval'. 'I am always in charge, the moment you try to take control, your gone.' NARC ALERT !!!

anonymous Nov 30, 2015 12:46am

Loved this, it works both ways for men who were never loved properly by women, and I shared it on facebook so both sexes can find the soul food in it. Divine timing as always <3

anonymous Nov 7, 2015 2:13pm

You sound exactly like the woman I should have met forty years ago. Instead, I blundered my way through five live in relationships, two of which were marriages and I'm out the other side at age 67 and with similar feelings (from a male point of view) to those you have.

I've given up chasing the hope of a close relationship, but I can tell you there are also many wishy-washy women out there who don't fully engage mentally and only think of themselves.

The good news is: I don't have to go through it all again 🙂

Interestingly – you say what you wanted, but you don't seem to major on what you had to offer.

anonymous Nov 2, 2015 12:17pm

Hi Kate. I wanted to love this piece. I really did.
As a woman who has deeply felt the full weight of grief in the aftermath of several broken long-term relationships, (currently happily married, late in her 30’s) I understand your need to express your relationship experiences and learnings about yourself. Sadly, the public nature of this makes every sentence in this article screams the opposite to ‘strong and independent woman’. It screams self-absorbance, self-centeredness, and a lack of understanding or readiness for a mature two-way respectful relationship. This, all alongside a disturbing disrespect for those men you once chose to be close to. You take zero personal responsibility, apart from btw- I’m no angel 😉 Did you provide these men with their perfect needs and as much as you say you say they did not fufill yours?
Surely a basic respect for men should be equal to the amount of respect you expect for yourself and other women. Imagine a headline “A Thank you to the women who didn’t have the right tits to claim” I am quite sure you wouldn’t appreciate reading that.
You have diminished those who have helped you on your journey to display your own magnificent bright, wild light! I only hope that your new, courageous, better self starts thinking and writing more about the growth, feelings and endless mysteries behind other’s eyes, as much as you do thinking and writing about about your own.
Journey on. I wish you all the more growth, love and understanding for your future. We all have places to go, each person’s journey is as important as those we travel with, or leave behind.

anonymous Oct 19, 2015 2:35pm

Thank you so much for this article. It means so much and matches me internally. The letter can only be written from the heart through experiences and I'm sure so many of us unfortunately and fortunately can relate. I am also grateful to those that tried to change me, model me to fit their needs, for those things made me realize I am who I am and shouldn't have to change for others. They were just not the right men for me. Each one taught me, unknowingly to them and me that I need to remain strong and true to myself in order to be true to others. They are right for someone, just not me. My heart is open and will too, one day, find someone that completes and compliments my extraordinary different aspect of feelings, compassion, passion of life and living. Truth is real and at times hurtful on both sides, but staying true to others is the only way to be truthful to ones self, ones, soul and through experiences is how one finds themselves. Thank you again.

anonymous Oct 11, 2015 10:18pm

I looked @ this as not every relationship is not perfect and thanks for showing me what I need to do and how it really feels to know when you are ready to fall in love and the one you are with is not that one- So basically thank you for not holding me back. Letting me go and allowing me to move forward? I guess I was very mis interpreted. Didn’t take it as a feel sorry for me bit. Then again I guess I am thankful the one I thought I was in love with because I was not in love at all. So I thank him. I didn’t have to stay and wasn’t pressured. Maybe this woman needs a little credit. Amazing article as far as I am concerned….

anonymous Oct 1, 2015 9:58pm

Wonderful article. We deserve someone to love who loves us equally. Too much fake people out for their own various reasons.. loved your article!

anonymous Sep 18, 2015 2:08pm

An identical artical can be written, “Thank you for being a passive girl dependent on the guy making the move.” If you define your existence the way the article states, you’ll get passed up forever.

anonymous Sep 13, 2015 7:18pm

I couldn't agree with you more. Simply take the word "balls" out, and you've described my philosophy towards women pretty much word for word. Unfortunately for me, I have balls. So I'm pretty much expected to do the chasing. I'll probably be single forever. I'm learning to live with it.

Keep in mind that I am not being sarcastic in the least. I agree with your view completely and I'm not very big on gender roles. I wish more people, both men and women, thought the way that you do.

anonymous Sep 10, 2015 8:53pm

Thank you for this perfect example of everything that is wrong with American women in the 21st century. This type of attitude: "I AM WOMAN and I am awesome and if anything doesn't work out, it’s not because of me, it's because of everyone else in the world."

The "Women are Strong and Independent cult".

I will get all kinds of women from this online social media cult trying to say I'm a chauvinistic pig, but the truth is I'm actually a really nice guy who also dislikes the guys who treat women Like they are only good for "cooking, cleaning and one other thing"; I think this article and he vast majority of women that think it is the description of a golden happiness to model their lives after are the opposite extreme of those types of men.

Both are ignorant and misguided… and feed off each other to perpetuate their beliefs.

I believe the Author is still fairly young and very beautiful, she can get away with this attitude, not because she's strong, but because she still gets attention everywhere she goes and therefore has unrealistic expectations. I think she is naive and is, in fact, hurting a lot of other women by fantasizing her so called "strength and independence". I don't believe its strength to shut out people and call them (in more specific and detailed terms) unworthy. On the contrary I think it's a weakness to ignore the truth and tell yourself there's nothing wrong with you, it’s EVERYONE ELSE in the world who is the problem, but never you. That is what this article is encouraging: it's telling people to NOT work on getting along with other people; NOT to have understanding, to NOT learn how to compromise, and to NOT have empathy. ::: To PROJECT your problems onto men.

Here’s another perspective, also by a woman: http://bit.ly/1O4Du3E

A couple other articles, by men and women, trying to help dispel the myth:
http://bit.ly/1UFN3dz
http://bit.ly/1Q58VZd

There was one thing in this article that I think was 100% spot on and agree with completely:
"It was only through this experience that I learned no one can make me feel a certain way unless I give them permission to do so."

And before you all take the easy way out and make a completely uneducated opinion about the type of person I am, here is a link to my G+ page which pretty much describes who I am and great detail by the posts I put on my feed. I’m not perfect, I’m not awesome, and I’m definitely not an expert on this subject, probably like everyone else who is posting here, but I felt a strong need, after reading this article and all of the comments, to post an alternate point of view. Also, I am over 40, born in 71 and I have a very wonderful and beautiful woman in my life who is 3 years older than me, a Nurse by trade whom I love very much and treat with all the love and respect I possess. I never share my personal life details, but I have here in hopes that maybe 1 or 2 people will take me seriously.
https://plus.google.com/u/0/+MarcBrown/posts/p/pu

I’m putting this last because it’s very important and because it’s a disclaimer: by no means am I suggest women who are single and choose to be single are in the wrong. If you assumed that’s what I was saying then take a good look at yourself- you are the problem; you don’t’ have perspective, you jump to conclusions!
My main point is actually this: choose our life any way you want, but don’t blame your choices on other people as a way to avoid acknowledging your own inadequacies / issues.

AND even more important than that, putting up walls doesn’t necessarily set you on a path where good men will meet you at the finish line. I think it’s just as likely, good men will see that as a negative personality trait and pass by on their way to a strong woman who is an individual thinker and has the intellectual and emotional maturity to understand quality relationships have give and take; balance; compromise; understanding; love.

anonymous Aug 17, 2015 3:35pm

Your welcome. Im so glad we got to be a lamb on the alter of your important life. This gal is way too self absorbed. You are not that important. The sooner you get that the happier you will be. Also theres some guy out there thanking you because you didn't have the ovaries to claim him. GTFO

anonymous Aug 13, 2015 8:32pm

Beautiful! Thank you. I was going to leave it at that, but after reading through a quarter of the responses to this article, I am inclined to write a bit more. I applaud your honesty as a woman and am inspired by the responses of both men and women to what you have put into words. I am also dismayed by the responses of so many men and women who seem to be challenged by and fearful of the power of an individual (man or woman, though more likely challenged by a woman) willing to speak his/her truth. While your article spoke to my heart, your responses to harsh and personal criticism spoke to my soul. Thank you.

anonymous Aug 9, 2015 8:14pm

Thank you for putting all of that in writing. You expressed everything I've thought to myself at different points in time.

anonymous Aug 8, 2015 12:15am

Wow, its always weird to read an actual realistic article and in the comment section people automatically denounce it as if no male on earth is afraid of women , as how could the glorious male members of our species be afraid of …women. No majestic male could do those things to a woman and obviously its a woman's fault because its happened to her a number of times and she is a common denominator. She must have been a special case who just happened to meet the wrong men , blah blah fucking blah .Not to shit on the rape culture comment parade but women are treated like shit all the time with no cause or provocation . And if men weren't afraid of women in some regard then why have the Witch Hunts, the fights against planned parenthood, the fact we get paid less, the lack of gender equality in almost every culture. Why are we constantly belittle for being female ? Why when little boys cry we tell them to what "stop acting like a pussy " and to " stop crying like a little girl " .Sorry but she is right , in fact your protest only furthers home her point and exposes the flaws in your argument against her article.

Fuck that hippie all people just need a hug and a puppy some people are just assholes,and a large population of men god forbid since you run the planet are just scared of women.

anonymous Aug 7, 2015 12:24pm

You remind me of what dad told me at my first wedding. Knowing I was nervous, he came up and whispered to me, "This gets easier the more times you do it!" Life ain't no home-run derby. Maybe moving the ball between the goal lines is more appropriate. Relationships involve business-model roles, regardless of whether or not a partner's got plumbing outside or inside; ability to be so resilient and pliable, regardless of the age, you can always qualify as "first print"; and crafty enough to always be someone's junkyard dog awaiting a chance for the jugular. And above all, yes, it takes a willingness to "take the plunge!" God bless you, Little Princess! Your time is at hand.

anonymous Aug 7, 2015 12:02pm

wow. well written but I am sad that just an interesting woman would give credit to all the negative people to have made her the person she is. You are really never free until you craft the person you want to be and attract similar people, instead of claiming to be a product of everyone else's default.

anonymous Aug 5, 2015 7:24pm

Wonder what the other side of the story is? Things are never this one sided in reality.

anonymous Aug 5, 2015 4:46pm

I reversed the gender in this post and read it like it was written by a man. Then, I tried to imagine what that man would look like in real life.

anonymous Aug 4, 2015 12:39am

A thank you note to all the men who used me as a human condom…

anonymous Aug 2, 2015 11:29pm

On behalf of all men who have had sex with women with whom they didn’t have any significant interest, allow me to say, you’re welcome! Happy to help more of your find yourselves.

anonymous Aug 2, 2015 7:25am

❤️- your wit and writings…

This particular one resonates with me oh so well !

And I to say thank you to everyone of you who I give my best to let into my heart but you never capture it !!

Life and relationships aren’t over it they are just beginning for me again with new light and a new me and I’m super stoked !!!

Thank you – your so cool!

anonymous Jul 30, 2015 10:42am

“He’s just not into you”…’nuff said.

anonymous Jul 28, 2015 12:20pm

Loved your article. I did not see your article as making men the enemy as one thought. I am a woman so am trying not to be biased, but I saw your article as an encouragement of equality between men and women, and just a self-actualization article in general. Knowing and accepting yourself: your bold, creative, beautiful, powerful independent self, is the only way you can be whole to be someone’s partner anyway (not that it’s the point). Not everyone needs a relationship or wants one. Knowing who we are at our core and what we need is going to improve all of our relationships, encounters, our performance at our job, and positively effect every area of our life. It’s not being “feminist” to want equality and love, or to know who you are. And feminism now means something totally different than most people think. Full Definition of FEMINISM:
1: the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes
2: organized activity on behalf of women’s rights and interests
Some women have abused this but I think a majority of women and men can agree that feminism in it’s true state, is a good thing.
Thanks for writing this article.

anonymous Jul 24, 2015 4:12pm

Hahaha this is what makes me thankful I am not behind the nazi feminist movement of the 21st century – and why I avoid dating vocal feminists like the plague. More and more men are starting to follow suit as we are constantly belittled by feminists who think we’re dogs that need to be trained. Like every single male is wild and needs to be tamed before it’s a suitable prospect for a husband. And then there’s girls elsewhere…. European girls, Asian girls, South American girls… all of whom still believe in the traditional man/woman marriage roles. Feminism has brainwashed women of America, Australia, The UK and other 1st world western countries. They now believe all men are the enemy. I’d start investing in cats if I were you, Kate Rose. You’re going to end up one lonely lady.

anonymous Jul 22, 2015 9:24am

“The right man will love all the things about you that the wrong man was intimidated by.” ~ Unknown [and alone]

anonymous Jul 22, 2015 9:23am

“My truth”? There is no such thing. There is only truth.

anonymous Jul 21, 2015 11:54am

To claim her? As much feminist bullshit that is displayed today, I doubt it. Women are usually saying they aren’t some piece of property to be claimed. So we don’t claim her and now she’s upset about it. That’s the damn problem, women are too indecisive. Make up your mind. Sh*t or get off the pot. Stop p*ssyfooting around and say what you want. It’s too difficult to understand women. They understand themselves and guess what, they hate eachother.

anonymous Jul 21, 2015 12:02am

I relate so much to this. I've had so many guys like me that you can just tell they from this image or fantasy of you in their head. But when I completely show my own personality they don't want to be with me anymore because I don't fit their image. This article feels so intuitively right to me…in the sense that I should completely just keep being me and only accept someone who accepts me as well…. Not someone who imagines me being a certain way. <3

I don't get all the men being triggered over this article… It's pretty simple we all deserve a relationships where ewe aren't considered strange, or nerdy, or too passionate, or too deep, or too anything… Someone who enjoys our qualities instead of being weirded out by them.

anonymous Jul 19, 2015 4:00pm

I really enjoyed the article,very well written and beautiful thoughts. I have always been the type of person others,especially men, feel need to be put me in my place or toned down somehow.I did finally meet a man with enough of his own self love and esteem to handle my wild ,aggressive and sometimes very challenging side,sometimes he did not like it but he loved me and accepted me , did not judge me. He has passed away and was only in my life for a short while, 2.5 years. It was not until he passed away that I am realizing all the gifts that he gave me. I keep discovering what being with him has done for me as a person. self acceptance , self love, my own validation, challenging me to have my own belief system. Teaching me to always look inward for answers. He also always encouraged me to let go of attachments in life, which ironically gave me strength to deal with the loss of him when he passed away so tragically from cancer. I miss him of course but do realize he has gone on and so do I.

anonymous Jul 18, 2015 1:36am

Hi Kate, Interesting piece. I guess no one really knows how you conduct yourself in a relationship – even your own viewpoint will be slightly skewed. It has to be as it is for all of us. But then maybe your experiences are as clear as you define them, and then again, perhaps you have some of your own issues going on that you prefer not to acknowledge. Occasionally articles that lean toward the self-righteous and self-aggrandizing help someone justify their way of being because it's too threatening to imagine the reality isn't so black and white.

anonymous Jul 16, 2015 11:25pm

My ex- sent me a link to this tonight, because she is currently insanely angry with me. Angry with me because I was working late tonight and had set my ringer to silent much earlier in the day and didn't see her myriad texts and calls. Adding two and two together, I just must be out with other women.

I had seen an article once, about ten years ago, which was titled nearly the same and whose content was much the same. When I saw the URL I thought it to be that one, but followed it anyway and decided to read. I do wonder if you had published this earlier?

I don't appreciate the assertion that the men who didn't "claim" you are somehow necessarily lacking in balls. It quite often takes more balls to reject what isn't right, even though convenient, and face loneliness in order to open the path to actually later find one's happiness in life. It also takes more balls sometimes to stand up and fight for exactly what you want, rather than accept what you've got at face value… especially when what is in front of you is somewhat decent eye candy like yourself.

Either way, this is definitely at least somewhat laughable as a problem of modern life. Humans have been struggling for the majority of our history… scraping and scratching for every rotting morsel or source of protein that could be found lying or crawling upon the ground. Coupling was a matter of individual survival and survival of the species (via propagation) up until only about a hundred years ago. It is interesting to me to see an essay and complaint on topics that are so far abstracted from non-digital, non-nanny state reality. I do wonder, when the security of society and the overabundance of food both recede again, whether you'll still be looking at us men in the same uber-critical light. Or, if not in the prime of your own lifetime, then in your daughter's or granddaughter's.

Personally, I don't want what I don't own. I make the rules. I don't "try" anything, I just do it. I've got dick and balls aplenty, and will not be pigeonholed into someone else's opinion because of what I do or don't want to put up with. In the end, women who refuse to be bridled I will leave… and they will obsess up late at night over details like who am I with or why didn't I answer my phone.

anonymous Jul 15, 2015 4:22pm

Beautiful and insightful. Keep sharing!

anonymous Jul 14, 2015 2:28am

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all learn to accept ourselves enough to be able to accept others in the same way…
We all make mistakes when emotions are involved. One of the worst mistakes is to limit yourself because of an idea or image of what your significant other seems to want. Unless you've been kidnapped and held at gunpoint, nobody else has the power to cram you into a mold that doesn't fit properly. We all need to learn to be more realistic about what we want, and how many of another person's "warts" we're willing to live with.

anonymous Jul 8, 2015 2:56pm

I imagine whomever you are talking about has a very different side of this story. The gloss on this nonsense doesn't even need to be highlighted, you did it yourself with italics.

Sentiment and feelings are nice and comforting, but this article falls into the problem of reassurance versus validation. You can read it in the comments. "This came at such a perfect time for me." "Your article got me through this day." — These people will always need this reassurance, because it is not validation.

Validation is not writing this article. To go out and find what makes you happy, not who is passionate enough for you, like that will somehow never fade (it will). Then, maybe, you will be wise enough to dole out some real advice and not just some reassurance.

But you've got a long way to go there. And with your prose…

    anonymous Jul 21, 2015 12:07am

    I think your interpreting and comprehension skills need brushing up… This article is about only being with people who accept you completely rather than partially…. How you converted that into a negative message is beyond me.

    anonymous Jul 21, 2015 12:22am

    Sometimes though people believe that they are too much. Too passionate, too intelligent, they laugh too loud, they are too enthusiastic. All this article points out is nothing about is too much… The right person will appreciate all that about you that other people have labelled as weird or out there.

    anonymous Jan 13, 2016 12:30pm

    Exactly. Total bull shite. You just want to feel better about being dumped or never claimed. Maybe she really was a needy clinging wet blanket who always had to be right. Sounds like it from what I read. Lucky escape for the dudes, for sure. LOL

anonymous Jul 7, 2015 1:38pm

"thank you for being afraid of the power of my sexuality, and the mysteries of my eyes because it taught me that only those who can match my passion should be allowed to share in it with me"

this is what I'm talking about!! Thank you. my journey continues. xo

anonymous Jul 6, 2015 8:28am

This article is sexist. Men don't have balls if they don't want to commit to be with you forever? Maybe you just weren't compatible in that way…

You find to need keep searching and find peace with yourself, and the people who impacted your life. Including the men you felt the need to write an article about, that is basically a self promotion and collective dig at these suitors. If you were truly at peace, you woulnd't feel the need to insult the male gender and call them at fault for not 'accepting you as is', as if that is some grand endgame of life.

Being happy single is crucial in life, for men and women. Those men are likely just as insecure and uncertain of their future as you, and there is no need to take digs at them to raise yourself higher. You can do it on your own. Spread love, not hate and blame.

    anonymous Jul 21, 2015 12:20am

    This article isn't sexist… It's saying that if someone doesn't like you for you… Then you do deserve better. Which all of us do. I'm not sure how it can be interpreted a anything else.

anonymous Jul 5, 2015 8:17am

You spoke to and from my soul. Thank you.

anonymous Jul 4, 2015 10:45pm

What didn't feel good in your past relationships points the way to what you need to feel great in love. Love requires brave vulnerability, and love that meets us where we are is the scariest thing of all. It's a pure act of courage to open your heart to a partner who can match you.

You can use a relationship's end to heal and grow. When you identify what you needed that wasn't coming to you, you can release the emotions that drew you into this experience. You’ll no longer need them because you’ve taken the lesson they were trying to share.

When you know who you are and what you need, you can commit to choosing a partner who can meet your needs. This opens amazing possibilities for a new kind of love – one that heals instead of re-activating old wounds. Real, strong love is possible, when you allow yourself to open to it.

Without committing to create a partnership that really meets you, the most loving among us wind up in relationships that inevitably disappoint. When you can see the good in people, and are soooo good at being flexible to try to "make it work," it's easy to accidentally end up dating someone who isn’t really able to co-create the kind of love you want. If you fall in love with someone who’s not able to claim you, it can take weeks, months, or even years to see the relationship through to it's resolution.

One thing people often miss is their intuitive, gut sense at the beginning of the relationships was that it wasn’t right. Yet, we can have such strong minds and be really good at explaining away our intuitive voice. We often move forward despite this gut feeling, only to find it was right on from the beginning.

When relationships falter and end, our deepest lessons lie amidst the wreckage. Though it's difficult to sift through the rubble, when we do we discover our hearts have, indeed, held up against the storm and still shine strong.

To support women who’ve had rocky relationships, I created a program (free) to support women along their journey to self-love and healing after a rough breakup. You can find it at yourwiseheart.com/welcome.

Thank you, Kate, for sharing your wisdom. Your journey inspires others to hold out for love that honors their wildness.

Xx,
Lindsay

anonymous Jul 3, 2015 10:34pm

You’re pretty, funny, etc…You’re smart, well almost. I’m sure you friend zoned the guys who would’ve “claimed you”

anonymous Jul 3, 2015 3:22pm

Thanks so much…for reminding me how much I have no desire to date an American woman such as yourself.

anonymous Jul 2, 2015 11:39pm

Thank you. Thank you for putting into words exactly what I was feeling.

anonymous Jul 2, 2015 8:22am

I enjoyed your article, but found the title did not match the sentiment of what you were saying. "Claiming" suggests dominance and really, you are simply describing being in an unfulfilled relationship where the voice in your head keeps telling you why the relationship will ultimately fail – and you are smart and confident enough to listen to that voice. You have enough of a sense of self not to bury essential parts of your being in order to keep the relationship alive, and that's ok. But thanking a man for not being enough misses the mark with me and is unfair to them as well. These men also had unfulfilled needs in their relationship with you, too and could perhaps turn the table and thank you for not claiming them. This is not a power play. Relationships are about connection and work and while being true to yourself, loving your partner enough to please and understand them as much as you clearly desire the same. Wishing you all the best in finding your partner in life…

anonymous Jul 2, 2015 7:41am

I enjoyed your article, but found the title did not match the sentiment of what you were saying. “Claiming” suggests dominance and really, you are simply describing being in an unfulfilled relationship where the voice in your head keeps telling you why the relationship will ultimately fail – and you are smart and confident enough to listen to that voice. You have enough of a sense of self not to bury essential parts of your being in order to keep the relationship alive, and that’s ok. But thanking a man for not being enough misses the mark with me and is unfair to them as well. These men also had unfulfilled needs in their relationship with you, too and could perhaps turn the table and thank you for not claiming them. This is not a power play. Relationships are about connection and work and while being true to yourself, loving your partner enough to please and understand them as much as you clearly desire the same. Wishing you all the best in finding your partner in life…

anonymous Jul 2, 2015 6:43am

There isn't just one person for all of us out there. You can't waste your time waiting for him/her. Our minds have tricked us into only paying attention to physical attributes. That makes it fun for a little while, but won't last. Take control of your mind. Be a positive person. Help others, but keep that crazy side as well. And when you are around the dc area, let's go out. Your last name wont even change much….haha

anonymous Jul 1, 2015 3:48pm

Why are you entitled to a man in the first place? Men get to have requirements too, you couldn’t get a man because you couldn’t meet any man’s standards. You are competing with other women after all, and they just have more to offer than you do.

anonymous Jul 1, 2015 9:54am

As a heterosexual guy who has avoided dating of any kind for the past decade, I know what it is to be alone ..by choice. I have designed a quiet rich life that no longer has any place for a woman ..especially, not a rebel. My home is spotless; I cook, bake and do everything as well or better than any woman I've ever met. I keep extremely busy with work and travel. Why would I want to mess this up with a relationship of any kind? As the years have passed, I no longer see any space in my life for a woman, children, or any significant other ..none. I wish you well on your journey. I sincerely mean that.

anonymous Jun 30, 2015 10:46pm

I believe this article was intuitively geared for the women in need of a voice that they could not speak for themselves. I also feel it helps express the reasonings they felt in words that are clairvoyant and help relieve those feelings of inadequacy they had after being totally misunderstood or undermined by the men, and how painful that was after all the time he took. I know I can be too giving, and trusting, and often men are the ones digging in with certain motifs awaiting to see if you are maybe crazy or something they do not want, as if it is all up to home in the end. Though how a women can feel they deceive their heart in that way, how can one possibly understand someone better than the other in this situation? In my current opinion, that is not how you learn to know a human being. I could be wrong.

anonymous Jun 30, 2015 9:57am

Could have written this – thank you :)) !!
Tracey

anonymous Jun 30, 2015 6:46am

There are usually either 3 reasons a man won’t claim you.

1) He’s not the boyfriend/husband type

2) You aren’t reciprocating back in the relationship (love, effort, healthy communication)

3) You have the opposite qualities that he’s looking for. If he values honesty and finds out you tend to lie a lot then you’re prob gonna get dumped. If he likes modesty and a woman who doesn’t sleep around and finds out you do and your sex count is through the roof he’s going to prob dump you. If he’s looking for a woman of faith (belief in God) & you’re not then he’s prob going to dump you. Get the picture? 🙂

anonymous Jun 29, 2015 8:42pm

I have no idea what you're talking about.

anonymous Jun 29, 2015 2:45pm

To All Readers of this, I wrote this in response to all of the comments that I received on here, and I am hoping this will clear up any linger confusion…
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/to-the-men

anonymous Jun 29, 2015 2:21pm

Thank you!! It is beautiful and is exactly what I needed to read!! I'm so proud of who I've become as a single woman with many heartbreaks!

anonymous Jun 29, 2015 12:50pm

So basically a pretty pretentious chick (“walking barefoot in the moonlight between worlds”, for real?) is blaming guys for the fact that she’s not able to create a stable realtionship. Sorry, but every relationship is an art of compromise, every person has to sacrifice something. As long as you don’t learn it, you are not able to create an adult, lasting realtionship.

anonymous Jun 29, 2015 8:19am

That was a complex way of saying hour standards were too high and you have been hurt by 6 foot tall alpha males who are in such high demand they can act however they please, whom of which are the guys all girls want and pursue, and when they predictably treat the girl bad you get all miffed and emotionally devastated. You do seem like a unique spirit and very awesome, but if I tried to date you I’d end up having to write a similar story before realizing my standards were too high, but I’m a guy and I’m not gonna because I don’t care, fyi that’s the best way to get in on male priveledge, not care about the perception of othes, people are constantly shaming me for my looks, but that’s their business… the key to remember is that relationships are economics. Supply and demand, you must give as much as you take.

    anonymous Aug 7, 2015 7:26pm

    The fact that you buy into the whole "alpha male" thing tells me that you probably use that as an excuse to why you can't get a girl or the type of girl that you want, and that all girls are just looking for a 6' tall guy with a 6-pack and a strong jaw. Let me guess, you also believe that you're simply a "good guy" and all girls just go for assholes? I hear guys say that all the time, almost on the daily. In the end if that's what you want to believe, then fine, but don't be surprised if it doesn't get you anywhere. I hope this isn't new to you, but women (like men) are not all the same. Some can be superficial while others care more about what's on the inside…..

    On the other hand I don't disagree that the problems in her relationships aren't one-sided and that she too probably contributed to their demise.

anonymous Jun 29, 2015 5:50am

This article is so relevant and true to me. Sometimes I’ll sit and wish that I never even had to deal with some guys that I’ve dated because they were just so wrong for me, but then immediately remember that they are the ones who helped me realize what I really want and who I really am. I definitely don’t think that this article is bashing men, I can understand where you’re coming from with all of it. I do think the title is a little harsh though and might be why some people are getting so defensive. Thank you for waking me up with this beautiful writing.

anonymous Jun 29, 2015 5:24am

There have been times when I looked back and cringed from hurt, loss, etc. Those times are long gone. Now I rarely look back, but when I do, it's with a sense of appreciation and with full knowledge that I am who I am today because of the twists and turns of yesteryear. I didn't know how to appreciate "good" and "healthy" until I had my fill of the opposite. Through it all, I was strong. Even sitting on rock bottom, I was strong. I just didn't realize it at the time. Great post.

anonymous Jun 29, 2015 4:25am

Thank you, thank you, thank you – just what I needed to read today xx

anonymous Jun 29, 2015 12:08am

Have you been playing in my head?! That is so where I am at right now. Thank you for your beautiful writings!! Just adore you!!

anonymous Jun 28, 2015 3:03pm

Beautiful lady I salute you and I hope that you find one deserving of your love. For me as a man I too must thank the man who abandoned me as a baby to seek his fortune in another state and eventually another wife and child. The emptiness that I felt growing up left me searching for the role model and nurturing love of a father. I acted out in school, I wondered if the men who molested me actually loved me. As I grew older I even thought that Bi Sexuality was normal and sought male companionship along with female liaisons but I still did not understand what love is. I know that I’m not the only male in this condition but in the depth of despair one cannot see out at the others that hurt for the pain harrows the vision.

One day I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior. Not much happened as I went along just as before. Yet at one point in a lonely night I told God that he was my Mother/Father in Heaven. Some how along the way both wisdom and dissatisfaction came along. Wisdom that there was better things and relationships available and dissatisfaction with one night stands and lip service to love and fidelity. God slowly but surely changed me. He brought me a wife and after 54 years and three children I’m much more attuned to what true love is. That’s why I have to thank the man who did not have the intestinal fortitude to love my mother or me because if he had stayed I might not have felt the need for a better man, Jesus the Christ.

My step mother said that she loved him because he was a seeker. As far as I know he died still looking.

True love and real fulfillment can only be found in God. He designed our hearts to need and want him. When we attempt to fill that God shaped void with any other object, sex, man, woman, money, art, knowledge, all fall short and we are unsatisfied. Ask Jesus to fill those empty places today. He will because he loves you.

anonymous Jun 28, 2015 11:39am

‘Claiming’ you implies you are property. What if some of those men, just some mind you, wanted to let YOU choose for yourself what YOU wanted. Just like every human being should have the right to?

anonymous Jun 28, 2015 10:38am

Why did it take several men for you to be able to identify yourself? I don't really get the need to use phrases like, "(never) having the balls". Why is it that men are expected to be perfect, and treat a woman perfectly, and like a princess or something, yet, by this own author's admission, she was insecure, and lacked self-awareness? I think the problem here is that too many women seek acceptance through men. They cannot bear to be alone, or live their life without looking out for a man. This is the impetus of all these sorts of feelings that so many of you women have. Be a stronger person, and find yourself before you enter into all these sub-par relationships with men. Then you'll probably find yourself running into these situations far less. This advice goes for both sexes, however, it just feels like its always presented as though the men are the heartless/cruel ones. Men are "users" and never fully appreciate the woman. Well, if you aren't a fully self-realized person, then what are you doing in a relationship? What is it that you are seeking from it? Is it possible that you are also using the man for whatever reasoning that you use to justify entering all these relationships? The theme behind this article seems to be being honest, seeing things with clarity. Unfortunately, it comes off as a giant finger-pointing at the men who were "unworthy" of this woman. In order to be fully honest, you need to examine yourself. Don't blame others for the way you feel, when you are the only one in control of yourself.

anonymous Jun 28, 2015 9:12am

Okay, ya got me. I first read the title and thought I was about to read a man-bashing article, wondering why my current girlfriend posted it. However, even though the title is clickbait, which is pretty much necessary by today’s standard, I think I understand.

You’re not calling all these men cowards, you’re saying that you are legitimately thankful that they didn’t commit to someone they knew they didn’t love. And your admitting that you needed that disparity in order to grow as a human. It’s very easy to read this article and apply a passive-aggressive tone to it, and I’m sure you’ve dated some losers. But it also sounds like you know you have your own faults to work on, and that you’re aware of it. Never too late to find someone, and I hope both of you are ready when you meet!

anonymous Jun 27, 2015 5:49pm

I’m sorry if I come across as rude but I do not believe you are being completely genuine in your article Kate. In my experience women and men honestly never know what they want. At different stages of life women and men want different things and a man or a woman who may have been wrong for you at one point in life could be the right man or woman for you at another time. Therefore, to thank every man who has been in your past for helping you understand what you really do want in a relationship in my opinion is just another classic example of a woman who feels the need to say that “whatever happened in the past was not my fault”. I have never been intimated by any woman. I have dated very successful women in the past. I don’t know why women think that men are intimated by their success or desire for adventure and travel. I am an open minded guy and I realize there are a lot of asshole guys in this world but I see your article as just another way to somehow inspire women. It’s a good article to read for woman who is in a bad place in their life. But at the end of the day all you’re really saying is – what many motivational speakers around the world say such as – Steve Jobs – who talked about treasuring your failures in life because that’s where you learn the most. Therefore, unless you’re willing to admit that at times you made the mistake and you were the reason things didn’t workout with a great guy who could’ve been right for you, then I don’t think you’re article carries much weight.

    anonymous Jun 28, 2015 6:31am

    Hi Victor, This was one article out of over 80 I have published on this site-and your exactly right…in many others I take the blame for what went wrong, not only in my relationships, but in my marriage as well. When we are 18 we don't really know a lot about ourselves, love or life-as we get older we have more knowledge and can then make the choices that are right for us without conforming to what society thinks we should be doing. Some relationships really are unhealthy, especially those that are abusive, and while I am thankful for those that don't know what I am talking about….many others do. Not all men are supportive and loving with their partners, instead of holding onto anger for the hurts, the lies, and the abuse I have encountered, I instead choose to see it all as a positive, and another stepping stone on the journey of my life. No one is free from mistakes, myself included. Even if it is just allowing others to treat your in a way that is unfair or hurtful-it was still my choice for a long time to allow that. Even that is a mistake of ownership. I applaud you for your stance on relationships and hope you have love and light in all of your relationships <3

anonymous Jun 27, 2015 5:01pm

Wow the negative responses from dudes on this thread shows how personally they take this as a rejection, and how badly they deal with it. Dunno why some dudes really can’t handle a woman w standards. There’s two ways to deal w rejection: gracefully w growth and dignity or like an asshole. How one deals with it shows what was wrong in the relationship. .

    anonymous Jun 28, 2015 10:22am

    It has nothing to do with rejection. It has to do with the attitude the author has taken. It rejects any and all responsibility for the outcome of their relationships. Even if all of these relationships were so abusive and wrong, then something should be said for the woman who is entering into them. (Seriously). The only real solution is to take responsibility for your life, and its outcomes. If you always blame others, or only see the splinter in other's eyes, you will always fail to see the log in your own.

    People attract people like themselves. Even the author admits that she was a weaker person before she came to these realizations. How is it the fault of the (also flawed) men with whom she entered into a relationship? Calling out men, saying they have no balls- that is where it is just downright delusional. There is nothing wrong with having standards, but there is something wrong with having high standards, when you yourself cannot hold a candle to light your own way. What was stopping the author with coming to these conclusions without entering into poor relationships? Answer: Nothing. Except maybe her own need to be in a relationship. The need that lead to her to avoid coming to any sort of self-realization, or identifying herself as a person, and enter into several bad relationships. How is that any less of a mistake than the way the way she has describes men mistreating her?

      anonymous Jun 30, 2015 4:02am

      Absolutely.
      A man who wants to love and be loved doesn't want to "claim" a woman anyway.
      I get the feeling that Kate wants a knight in shining armor to find her and do all the hard work. There is nothing wrong with that, but don't blame it on the guys in the past who might just want a woman who takes responsibility for her half of the effort. There is nothing wrong with that either.

anonymous Jun 27, 2015 11:33am

Why didn't my comment post? Did I swear or something?

anonymous Jun 27, 2015 11:03am

No offence but maybe I am wrong I think you already been through a lot and have decided that a man with the balls doesn’t exist to claim you maybe you are right for its not the balls they need but the heart and who knows you must have been with such a man I wish you may find such a man who loves you for your heart your individuality nor your wrongs and tell you a wrong is a wrong and if someone’s points it to you you grow to be a better person it is unfortunate you been in a relationship where the other man has physically abused you its the other mans loss your gain for you realised the kind if relationship you were in I wish you happiness may love find you

    anonymous Jun 27, 2015 1:45pm

    Thank you for your beautiful comment <3

    anonymous Jul 26, 2015 7:11pm

    The man exist but she chased them off with her selfish needs of validation and self-centric "what can you do for me" attitude. She is not a giver, but a taker who believes she is entitled to good men while friendzoning the average.

anonymous Jun 27, 2015 10:40am

It is eerie how things pop up precisely when I need them. I am 6 months out from a divorce, and I have been desperate to have someone fill that void. I have compromised who I am just to have someone. Just this last week, I realized what I’ve been doing, repeating my patterns out of insecurity. This article reaffirms that I’m on the right path, and it is time to not feel guilty for being strong, opinionated, sensual, and forward. If a guy can’t handle me, then they are not right for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article!!!!!!

anonymous Jun 27, 2015 10:13am

I doubt your able to handle the truth. I’ve yet to meet anyone capable of allowing a male to be as honest as you are claiming to live. Only women get to live that way and only when they are humored by men who are motivated by need for conquest. I have a very high iq, very high testosterone, and am physically above average in most ways. If I felt you were my equal you would be claimed, but like I said no one has ever shown me a healthy enough level of self esteem to handle the honesty you are advocating. It’s simply rationalization motivated by need for validation. It’s feeling motivated by a lack of control motivated by hatred of those you subconsciously think suppress you: men.

If you met a man who was capable of claiming you, you’d establish your need for control by showing him you are willing to settle for his inferior and that he can’t “own” you. What you truly want is to be desired by someone you see as yours and the majorities superior so you can reject him based on being “better” then a lowly male. I can guarantee you are not open or honest and it would take my putting on the same song and dance of superiority to get what I want from you (In place of what I need which you get a sick power trip from withholding).

    anonymous Jun 27, 2015 1:44pm

    Jesse, Thank you for such an impassioned reply. It is always interesting to see those with differing view points about what I write-this is just one piece of the workings of my mind, not the entire package. But, it clearly struck some sort of nerve, positive or negative, within you, and for that I am thankful-because that is what any writer strives to do. Wishing you Love&Light in finding your equal <3

    anonymous Jul 1, 2015 7:05pm

    of course a man would say something like this. very egotistical….and maybe a reason why you dont have someone to "claim"

    anonymous Jul 8, 2015 10:08am

    With all of the very personal "you's" aimed at this author, someone you do not even know, this sounds like a lot of bitter projection of your own disappointments and relationship misunderstandings. You assert that your intelligence, testosterone and physical ability/appearance are the basis upon which you seek your "equal", whom you will then "claim"… anyone with the matching IQ, sex drive and physical awesomeness will do, nevermind being captivated by what is uniquely Her. I don't think you get it or understand what women are all about. At all. Good luck!

anonymous Jun 27, 2015 7:56am

How I wish I had learned that lesson when I was young. Instead, I wasted years trying to tone down myself to fit into my husband's world.
My mother told me I would never get a man if I didn't learn to be more lady-like and the nuns did their best to beat it out of me as well. Now I have to try to find that girl again and hope to find a man who will appreciate me for who I am.

    anonymous Jun 27, 2015 8:18am

    It's the beginning of an adventure! If you hadn't been in your unsuccessful marriage you wouldn't be looking at life like you are now-truly if we let it, every experience does make us a better person. Love&Light to you on your journey of self-discovery <3

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 10:37pm

It is very clear that Ken is a man and that he doesnt really get this. Women are complex so things are never as simple as that…

To the writer of this beautifull piece THANK YOU!! It was the most amazing piece ive ever read. Its spot on. Maybe not for everyone but for many of us.

    anonymous Jun 27, 2015 8:17am

    Wildheart-It's interesting, I've gotten a few comments from different men, and it is evident if my words triggered them or not. I only hope they themselves find the self-awareness that they feel I so desperately need. We are incredibly complex, and those men that do grasp that are also the ones to fully enjoy all the gifts that we have to offer. Love&Light

    anonymous Jun 29, 2015 10:59am

    Having three daughters myself, I this essay was pretty much "spot on," but Ken may have been trying to raise a valid point, although either he or Wildheart might have missed the point. So, I'll give it a shot.

    People are all individuals and the "wrong" person could be better termed "not the person for me." One possible interpretation of the essay (maybe what Ken saw) is that "you couldn't handle me therefore there's something wrong with YOU, not ME." Again, instead of wrong, I would say incompatible at best.

    Both men and women are complex creatures, reducing the other gender to a sterotype only limits yourself in that you may pass over some true gems in life due to a limited outlook. Give people a chance, they may surprise you unless your preconceived notions get in the way.

    The only other thing I would say is be careful that waiting for the "right" person doesn't turn into waiting for the "perfect" person. There is no such thing and life is often a compromise that two caring people can work out together and do their best to be the "right" person for each other. I heard it put best this way (I can't remember the source) that the word "Love" is a noun but more so it's a verb, like "work," "struggle," or "enjoy." You may absolutely hate your "loved on" on certain days but you work to understand and either accept or talk and try to help the other change what really pisses you off.

    For what it's worth.

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 5:37pm

There is no such thing as the “wrong” man or “wrong” woman. If someone goes through life thinking that every partner they’ve had was the wrong one, then thats a very dangerous road. Two people fit together or they don’t. It’s that simple. Yet its extremely common in our individualistic culture to always see the things that weren’t right in the other person as being at fault. It’s a very difficult ideology to break because it takes a very sesintive level of objectivity. and emotions often create the greatest illusion of reality.

    anonymous Jun 29, 2015 7:01pm

    I see where Ken is coming from. While I understand the intent of the author, I do get tired of the woman vs. man rhetoric that continually tries to make us appear as some greater species. I do not ask to be exalted to some greater height than a man. I want the respect that I give, the appreciation that I show, and the kindness and love that I offer to be returned to me from a sincere heart. Sometimes the connection is long lasting, and the person seems "right." Sometimes, it turns quickly, so they were "wrong." But if you learned something from it, it served you well enough. Perhaps the better term would be "complex."

    anonymous Aug 6, 2015 1:43am

    well said – 'Two people fit together or they don't' rest is expression of our own complexities

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 5:27pm

Yes, this. This is such a fresh perspective that I deeply needed. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 5:20pm

Thank you! This was so what I needed to hear! Job well done.

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 2:26pm

I love this. I love you. Suddenly, you’ve been a mother to me, my own mother in her 30 years of being a ‘devoted, submissive wife’ could never be. I’ve been in this loom so long; always wondering if it was me who was wrong, perhaps I was too eager, too impulsive, too wild, too sexy, perhaps I needed to stop. But you wrote this and it changed my world, it sparked something in me that I almost forgot I had. I was a girl a few minutes ago, waiting on messages, waiting on a love I was begging out of people I have no need to beg from. And I am a woman now; I’m as alone as they come but that’s because I’m me, I should be alone I should be one, not pieces of cake handed out to those who want a bite.

Thank you, and may you be blessed. Your words have done so much for me. I don’t know how many benefitted from this but always remember somewhere somehow you saved a young girl’s life.

I raise my glass to you :’)

    anonymous Jun 26, 2015 9:13pm

    Miriam, you made my heart soar with this beautiful message. I love your sense of openness and the commitment to yourself on being whole. May you be blessed in life…and in love-Always. Sending so much Love&Light <3

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 12:48pm

Once you are over the pain of someone not loving you, you are so much more capable of seeing the truth in your words. I will save this, and send to my girlfriends who are left wondering "why didn't he love me?" I hope there are more women out there who realize these things before they let themselves be hurt by any man who doesn't even begin to deserve them.

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 11:53am

You nailed it! Brilliant and so true.

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 11:52am

I fell in love at 15, 11 years later am still just as much in love with that same man. So glad I'm not a bitter old maid to be able to find any truth in this article.

    anonymous Jun 26, 2015 3:46pm

    You are so lucky! I was with my husband 13 years before we split up-I had been with him since I was 18. It's amazing how life ends up working out. I wish you and your husband nothing but Love & Light, I think there is something very special in the relationships that we form in High School.

    anonymous Jul 20, 2015 11:52pm

    I'm not a bitter old maid, but I remember a guy really liked me, but when I showed him the full exten off my intellect, my passion and just my personality in general… He kind of switched off and wasn't that interested in him. So long as I was the mysterious good looking girl he was interested in me. It doesn't make you bitter but it does commit you more to be like yourself because you know you don't want any man liking you just for what they think you might be, you want them to like you for you are. Either way I'm being more and more of who I really am which is a wonderful way to live.

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 10:40am

Kate, thank you for your beautiful writing. This, along with all of your other pieces have spoken to my heart. <3

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 9:34am

Perfect… I look forward to the day that I meet a man who truly wants to, and does, claim my heart. In the meantime, it's time to let go of the one who can't.

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 9:22am

An article truthfully driven by the intention of being wholeheartedly grateful and respectful towards the men you refer to, it would not carry a title like the one your's does. This is not an offence and there is no shame in your expressions you offer – we all have our often inert tendency to hide our shadows from ourselves. In that light, you may just believe by choosing to express gratitude, you can overcast the hurt, the dark rush and that nuance of superiority, the self-inflicted feelings of guilt and what not. It is so perfectly human that it would have been a surprise if you'd have taken another route.

It is almost a paradox how we are fully responsible for all our actions, yet we sometimes cause hurt to others by being careless or unaware about when we are dealing with a vulnerable, open heart. We all have received that sting ourselves, at some point. How many of us pay attention and apply what is learned? When we are in a potentially relationship-forming situation with somebody, we are carrying a responsibility, whether we like it or not. Both genders have their own ways of evading that and to be honest, without meaning to offend you, i believe that your article – deep down between the lines – is an expression of justification (to yourself), for your own actions and decisions, many of which (i carefully assume) have stirred up many a soup along the way.

True, selfless gratitude always involves a form of total surrender.

    anonymous Jun 26, 2015 3:44pm

    Thank you so much Leonidas for such a thoughtful reply! If you looked into more of what I've written you would see first hand all the mistakes and errors that I have made along the way. I've said many of these same things to men I have known, because it is the truth in so many ways, some of what I wrote was even their words-not mine. In fact in the physically abusive relationship, after it ended, he said many of the things in this article. No relationship is the same as anyone else's, this was meant to just thank all those men that have been part of my story because I wouldn't be who I am today without all of it. And yes, I am a lot to handle-I've never said otherwise. Again, your reply was beautifully thought out, and that it got people thinking tells me that I accomplished more than I originally set out to, So Thank You~ Love&Light

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 8:36am

Great article! Very appropriate to my current situation.

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 8:07am

Perfect! Exactly how I feel. Thank you 🙂

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 6:17am

Sounds like you've been with a lot cf "wrong men" therefore I believe I lived long enough to understand that it's a two way street in relationships. If that much went unnoticed or unfulfilled I would start with self-reflecting about your own conduct within said relationships. Maybe therapy. It's a lot to lay soley at the feet of me and I can't help think there is more to this story. There are a lot of men that take pride in conducting themselves in the modern day definition of a gentleman.

    anonymous Jun 26, 2015 8:44am

    Hi Eric, Your exactly right. The article says just that about self-reflection and awareness of triggering behaviors. The men I have known have all been wonderful in their own ways, and I have told them many of these same things. This wasn't a men bashing article at all-If I hadn't been through each and every thing I have I wouldn't be the person I am today. I applaud you on always being a modern day gentleman, and I wish more followed suit. Thank you for such an interesting and true reply! Love&Light to you and all your romantic relationships!

      anonymous Jun 30, 2015 7:50pm

      I found this narrative difficult to digest. To follow the premise of the article means men are too weak to “handle” this woman. I believe it’s our own responsibility to handle ourselves and ask for what we need. None of us women are “too much” for a man but instead are out of balance with one another. This does have a tone of man bashing that makes me uncomfortable. I think half the time men or the other half of a relationship don’t know what hit em and women assume too much….I don’t know this is a bit too heavily weighted on men. Our journey is our own and thank God people will come along

      and play our games for a while to help us learn lessons and just have fun.

    anonymous Jul 26, 2015 7:09pm

    When there are too many wrongs the common denominator is YOU.

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 5:13am

Spot on.,……

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 4:59am

If a man has to smack down anyone else because he somehow feels that his manhood is threatened by his or her presence and strength, he has a lot to learn about what it means to be a man. I am simply a man and recognize that I have strengths, but also weakness. I know that there are some things in life I can do very well, and other things I am still learning, or don't do well at all. The value of what I am and what I can do is not diminished if other people have different strengths, or even if they do things better than I do. A strong woman is simply someone who believes in herself enough that a man in her life does not have to prove himself to be a man; he can simply be who he is and find his own way in her presence. Her unique strength as a woman can so help him see his own unique strength as a man and if love is not a power struggle, but mutual respect, appreciation, value and a compliment of inner strength that adds to the value of each, they may actually be able to figure out what this thing called love actually is. 🙂

    anonymous Jun 26, 2015 9:34am

    Love this response almost as much as the article itself…

    anonymous Jul 7, 2015 7:29pm

    Both this article and your response are powerful statements and I love them both. Thank you, brother, for speaking so well for those of us whose strengths do not include making powerful statements! 🙂

      anonymous Jul 21, 2015 10:13am

      well said…too bad more men don't feel that way.

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 4:21am

Wow, it’s georgeous, really! Thanks for this! 🙂

anonymous Jun 26, 2015 1:07am

You've written exactly what I've felt and wanted to write for the men who broke my heart, who smacked down my walls and who made me stronger and better. Thank you for sharing. It's beautiful <3

anonymous Jun 25, 2015 11:25pm

Holy shit. Thank you. This is powerful and clearly spoken from the crevasses of the heart.

anonymous Jun 25, 2015 7:16pm

Wow!! It was like I wrote this article. Soooo me!!!

anonymous Jun 25, 2015 6:55pm

Sister…your words spoke directly to my heart. You understand what life is about truly. And I so needed to read this. Thank you for being YOU <3 xoxo

    anonymous Jul 26, 2015 7:08pm

    Do not learn about love from this selfish centric being. She friendzoned probably most of the men in attempt to find the "perfect" Asthon Kucher types. Well I hate to break you the news, it doesn't work that way.

Lla Dqna Jul 20, 2018 6:07am

This is so well written. I can totally relate to everything that u said. Thank u so much for this. This just gave me the clarity and self justification that I needed to hear. It's like i talked to a friend who just understands what I'm going through. Value your self worth first ladies, and keep hoping that the right guy will find u, and have the balls to choose u 😊

Nora Janvier Jun 20, 2018 11:04pm

Acceptance is a craving connected to our desire to belong. Sometimes we invest our selves into the wrong relationships too long. Sometimes we miss out on a great guy or girl because of having attractions to a "type". It's said each person we meet offers a blessing or a lesson. We have to be better about loving ourselves independent of others, recognizing all the different ways we are loved, and choosing to invest ourselves in relationships that grow us. We keep our friends because they are what we need to survive the world and hopefully thrive. I am looking for the guy who can be that partner in my life but I may need to grow more in loving myself enough to even be able to see him.

Chally Vuddi Jan 17, 2018 7:31am

My name is lily roys , i am from texas, USA and i have been in relationship with my boyfriend for 2 year now and we were planning to get married soon and all of a sudden he left me for another girl, i really love this guy and never can imagine my life without him. I further tried all my best to get him back but all my effort to get him back in my life did not work out. It was on this faithful day, i came across some comments on a website about this great spell caster called Dr gbojie, so many persons claimed that he help them to renew their relationship and bring their ex back, i had to contact him because he was my last hope. I contacted him through his email and he assured me that in two days time my boyfriend is going to leave the other girl and come back to me and it was a very great surprise to see my boyfriend coming back to me after two days. I aAm so very happy today that he came back to me and i achieved this with the help of Dr gbojie, and i advice if you need his help too, you can email him on his direct email [email protected] or contact him on his website: http://gbojiespelltemple.wordpress.com contact him on whatsApp him +2349066410185

Ted Seay Oct 19, 2017 4:10pm

Claim you? What, you live at the Lost and Found office at the local airport? Keep high standards, be prepared to give at least as good as you get, and remain true to yourself (although I daresay a dash of Christian charity - you know, REAL love - would hold you in even better stead)...

Mananga Lilla Oct 19, 2017 3:13pm

It's not a question of balls here you self-entited egotistical scum of the earth. Smart men don't claim cunts, they just wear them out and leave in the morning.

Thomas Johnson Oct 19, 2017 10:32am

"Strong and independent woman" Well theres your problem right there. Also, exercise and diet if you are overweight. You're competing with millions of other girls for a guy, and in todays society all men can easily pickup an easy slut, you gotta be the very best version of yourself.

Rosila Mike Sep 25, 2017 3:32pm

After being in relationship with him for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: [email protected] you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS:[email protected] CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM

Rosila Mike Sep 25, 2017 3:13pm

After being in relationship with him for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: [email protected] you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS:[email protected] CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM

Mariann Sierra Jun 7, 2017 6:46pm

"Thank you for being afraid of the power of my sexuality, and the mysteries of my eyes because it taught me that only those who can match my passion should be allowed to share in it with me." "Thank you for not being the man that I needed, so that instead I was able to see the woman I already was." wow. thank you for these words. spot on for me.

Fiorella Matos Guerra Jan 28, 2017 9:32am

Thank you so much for this Kate Rose� my feelings exactly ��

Ragna Stamm'ler-Adamson Jan 21, 2017 7:02pm

I feel sad for you and all the women who can relate to this article. You are just too good for this world.

Brittany Abucaba Sky Dec 17, 2016 11:03pm

Thank you, felt good to read.

Don Alli May 19, 2016 8:50pm

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Kent Rath Apr 24, 2016 1:24am

Reading down these replies would make me laugh if it wasn't so sad, I've put my heart and balls on the line and unfortunately the chopping block for two that wanted to play married but openly screw anything with three legs, I put up with it for longer than any other man would have, without killing her and the flavor of the night in my bed. There are just as many loyal, faithful men out here, as there are females, and maybe more. But if we say something we're weak, if you do the world pities you, and we're all pigs, I haven't been able to trust anyone in almost 20yrs after what I put up with, and it seems now, 100,000's of girl's from 18 to 60+ are doing Cam Shows on the Web now to try to get lonely men to watch them play for your money, lol there is no morality in the world anymore. Or faithful matches that will last past 2 to 5 yrs. anymore.

Keith Nelson Apr 23, 2016 6:18pm

And thank you, to all the women. who I was never good enough for, never tall enough for, never wealthy or secure enough for, not good looking enough and too affectionate. thank you. I can learn to be my self and not water myself down. this isn't a story of man vs woman. it's a story on how we treat each other. I read about all the strength in the words typed on the paper. but all I can feel the hurt and the pain of loss. I am sorry for that. I apologize for not having balls.. Having been rejected thousands of times, Not fully understanding how to claim a person.. A strong person that really doesn't need me.. And could simply cut me out of her life with a blink of an eye if somehow I was discovered I wasn't good enough anymore... Out of respect, a man might not pursue a strong woman because he may feel that she calls the shots in every other aspect... It would only diminish the light that she has burning.. If she wanted something. She would go after it.. This is very inspiring. I will try and grow some balls and challenge the fear of the unknown and talk to that girl or woman I may have my eye on.. I love strong and powerful women. They would really like me too.. It's getting to know somebody and trusting them.