Decisions loom. Burdened by the weight of making the right choice, I’m officially frazzled. My brain hurts. I feel utterly frozen by uncertainty.
My little family is facing some big decisions. Should my husband stay in a job where he feels secure and content, or pursue a new position that offers excitement and challenge? Do we live in a city where we’re comfortable and happy, or search for a town that’s the perfect fit? Will my toddler be an only child, or a big brother? How do I creatively blend motherhood with my other work?
This is overwhelming, it’s too complicated. I’m stuck in indecision. I have no clue what I really want. Then I realize: “Oh. I’m actually choosing the hard road. There’s an easier way.”
“You take yourself wherever you go,” my grandma used to say.
My: Self. Being. Essence. Source. Spirit. It’s always with me. I remember, and I pause.
I sit, and set a timer for 20 minutes. I close my eyes and let out a big exhale. Silently, I ask, “What do I want?”
Then, I turn my attention to the flow of my breath, simply observing it move in and out. With curiosity, I notice thoughts and feelings wander into my awareness.
My back hurts.
I’m scared of making the wrong choice.
My son’s face. Love.
Always turning attention back to the breath, in and out. At some point, it’s just the breath. And then, the space between breaths. The space expands. It’s vast. Still. Pure potential. Time has passed and I hear a gentle chime. The benefits sink in. Feeling grateful, I slowly open my eyes and stretch my body. And just like that, I’ve shifted from cultivating confusion to a sigh of peace and relief.
This is my meditation experience.
In this moment, and the ones that follow, I feel ease, not angst. When I consider decisions that lay before me, I know it’s okay to not have all the answers. In truth, everything is uncertain and beyond my control. Instead of feeling immobilized, I’m actually settled in that uncertainty. I let go of trying to predict the outcome of all possible alternatives from now until the end of time.
The pressure is off.
I choose to focus on appreciation, on nourishment, on the now. I plant the seed—the intention—for more joy and creativity in my life. I feel supported and whole. This is merging with Self.
We take Self wherever we go. Will we choose the hard road, or the easier way?
Author: Megan Mary DeRosa
Editor: Alli Sarazen
Photo: Author’s Own