Do you have questions about creating intimacy or developing mindful relationships? Confusing questions? Awkward ones? Deep, dark scary ones? I want them. Email your questions to: AskAstarte@gmail.com.
All relephant questions will be answered with loving kindness in this weekly column. (Yes. Every one.)
Authors remain anonymous. No judgments, just soulful answers.
I recently started dating a man after being with my ex for six years. My ex was a complete jerk—abusive verbally and at times physically, but I loved him (or so I thought), so that’s why I stayed and went back to him time after time.
We have been broken up for about one-and-a-half years.
So after many cups of coffee and meet and greets, I met my now boyfriend. He is a great man. He has morals, he is of solid character, and he has a great personality.
My issue is I’m not sure I’m physically attracted to him. He is extremely overweight and is just a huge man. He seems to really like me and when we get intimate it’s just not like it was with my ex. I don’t know how to get past this and love him for him. He is not as “big” in his package as my ex. I’m not as open and comfortable with his as with my ex.
My ex and I didn’t have anything except a great sex life. My new boyfriend offers everything except a good sex life. I really need your help to figure out if this is normal, if its a deal breaker, or how I get past it.
First of all, congratulations for moving past your previous unhealthy relationship.
Uncoupling can be difficult, especially when abuse of any kind is involved. I hope you have given yourself proper acknowledgement for your growth. It may seem like a small thing, but it isn’t—by moving on, you are better able to attract a mate who is worthy of you.
It sounds like your new boyfriend is indeed a real gem. He’s responsible, caring and provides the kind of energy that can enrich your life. This is a wonderful thing, and truly a blessing for you, which I’m sure you already know.
When we enter the arena of romantic love, there are many factors that come into play. What is “normal” can only be defined by you and your needs. Honestly, we run into deep trouble when we compare our relationships to others. What works for some people may not work for you, and vice versa.
The same applies between two of your own relationships. Comparing your ex to your new man will inevitably result in disappointment on some level. Clearly, they are not the same man (which is probably a good thing). The sex may have been good with your ex, but the abuse made it unsustainable. No amount of good physical sex can justify abuse.
So, the question becomes: Is this new man someone you can create a healthy romantic relationship with?
I’ll ask you to begin by closing your eyes, consulting your “gut” (your divine intuition), and asking yourself if your new man offers you what you need romantically.
There may be two overriding answers: If having a solid and attentive partner is at the core of your needs, this man should be able to offer you a fulfilling relationship. If, on the other hand, if sexuality is a priority, you may need to rethink what you have with him.
You have mentioned that your current boyfriend offers you “everything except a good sex life.” If you need regular, passionate sex as part of your life, you’ll also need to further define what those sexual needs are. Does your definition of a good lover rest in part or in whole on the size of his penis? (There is no wrong answer here; you are the authority on what you want.)
If it does, then likely you will not be entirely satisfied on a physical level by this man. You may wish instead to cultivate a deep friendship with him, since you clearly have some kind of connection.
However, if his amazing personality keeps you bound to him, and the thought of losing him as a partner feels worse than redefining your relationship, there are a few ways you can assist him in understanding your lovemaking needs.
Tell him what you like.
Either while making love or just before, as a kind of aural foreplay, let him know what turns you on. Ask him to share his turn-ons with you. There’s a great deal of intimacy that can be created when you engage in the giving and receiving of pleasure.
You may find that a new kind of sexuality blossoms between you—one that surpasses any experience you had before him.
See him for who he is.
As your lover, this man is bringing to you all the goodness of his soul. This translates into the deepest intimacy anyone can ask for. He wants to please you—let him. And, in turn, you can express your feelings for him through touch during lovemaking.
Find his hidden treasures.
Open yourself to discovering what else your boyfriend may be able to bring to the bedroom besides a large member. How’s his oral sex technique? Does he touch you in ways that no one else can? What is he offering that you may have overlooked while focusing on his smaller package? You may even find that he’s amenable to introducing dildos and other toys into your sex life. In this way, you can experience deep, penetrative physical fulfillment as well as emotional connection.
Sometimes we need to hear how much we are appreciated. Often, by offering gratitude verbally (as in, “Thank you for being so attentive, kind, loving…”), we also encourage our partners to return the favor.
In relationships, you get what you give—warmth or coldness, depth or shallowness, truth or deceit. That’s why honest communication is at the crux of every healthy relationship!
“Normal” is a setting on a washing machine, not a way we define our lives! In the end, it is you who must decide what kind of relationship is right for you and your boyfriend. Forget everyone else. Whether you develop a platonic and loving relationship with this man or a romantic one, whatever you choose will be right for you and your needs. I promise you, it will save a lot of heartache in the long run.
Photo: Flickr/Bryan Brenneman