June 11, 2015

Let’s Get Intimate: The Ins & Outs of Anal Sex. {Adult Q&A}


butt hole road2

Do you have questions about creating intimacy or developing mindful relationships? Confusing questionsAwkward onesDeep, dark scary ones? I want them. Email your questions to: [email protected].

All relephant questions will be answered with loving kindness in this weekly column. (Yes. Every one.)
Authors remain anonymous. 
No judgments, just soulful answers.

“Why do guys want anal sex?

Is it ’cause it’s naughty? One partner told me he likes it ’cause it’s “different.” It’s not that fun for me. I like the other way better, but if it’s so exciting for him, I don’t want to say no.”

Just this morning I was having anal sex and thinking of you, dear reader.

Well, not you personally, but your question. Why, I asked myself, does my partner like this so much? So I decided to ask him over coffee. His first response was one you have heard before:

“It’s different.”

The concept of “different” can be interpreted in many ways, so I asked him to elaborate.

“It’s tighter.”

“Yeeeesssss, and?”

“There’s the psychological aspect as well.”

“Which is?”

It’s taboo.” He thought a second. “And then there’s the submission part.”

This is true. At least at the beginning of anal penetration, it’s hard for the receiver to do much more than stay very still. For the giver/penetrator, holding and witnessing one’s partner in a submissive state like this can be very hot. Likewise, the act of surrendering to your partner can also be a real turn-on. Which brings up my partner’s final, and perhaps most important assessment of anal sex:

“You have to be really, really trusting of each other.”

Because anal sex places the receiving partner in an extreme state of vulnerability, it’s essential that each partner is able to honor the other.

That means we need to have almost constant communication as the penis (or dildo/anal plug) penetrates the anus. He or she must be certain that the receiving partner is all right, well-lubed and feeling safe. That means talking. (Once the act gets going, you can switch from caregiving talk to whatever talk gets you off, but in the early stages, loving communication and trust are key.)

Now, it’s understandable that, as a receiver, you may not enjoy anal sex as much as your partner does.

Here is a well-tested method that will allow you as the receiver to truly enjoy (not just tolerate) anal sex:

Number one rule: Always use lubricant. Always. There can never be too much lube. Enough said.

There are many nerve endings around the entire genital region that send entirely different messages of pleasure and pain to our brains. As the penis/dildo enters the anus, there is a threshold about two inches in where the most pain occurs. (This is the point where many of us throw in the towel. That hurts! Forget it! This is horrible!)

The penetrating partner must move slowly, sometimes stop at points, allowing the receiver to breathe and relax the sphincter muscles. A little nudge forward, stop; breathe and unclench. Nudge, stop; breathe, relax.

Once you’ve done that enough, and the penis/dildo has fully penetrated, the penetrating partner needs to stop once again. Take a breather. Allow the muscles of the anus to relax and open. The penetrator should check in to be sure the receiver is fully at ease.

At this point, small, slow in-and-out movements can begin. These small movements can increase, building to the full thrusting typical of vaginal sex.

Then the miracle happens: anal sex actually feels good.

Because the penis/dildo is caressing the inside of our rectal canal—which in itself is a uniquely stimulating sensation—it is also stimulating the region around the vagina and even the clitoris. (Remember, all these nerve endings are connected.)

Now that the pain has subsided, the arousal kicks in—not just physically, but mentally. The psychological aspects of anal sex come into play, allowing us to enjoy the submission/surrender, as well as the vicarious pleasure of knowing we’re turning our partner on.

At this time, you may wish to introduce a dildo or finger(s) into the vagina for double penetration. There is a tremendously arousing feeling of fullness that occurs when we do this. Of course, it’s not necessary; perhaps simple clitoral stimulation will be enough.

To recap: Men like anal sex because it is a new and different way to receive (and give, as we’ve seen) pleasure. In fact, the act of anal sex should be pleasurable for both partners, or it’s really not worth performing at all. That means trust and loving connection must be a core part of this act, in order to elevate it to true intimacy between you both.

Happy loving!




Reversing the Taboo: Anal Sex. {Adult}


Author: Rachel Astarte

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: David Locke/Flickr

How to have mindful (awesome) sex:

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