Understanding an Emotionally Unavailable Relationship.

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Emotionally unavailable people can be difficult to spot if we don’t know the signs we are looking for.

Someone who is EU (emotionally unavailable) may still desire all the attractions of a casual or even committed relationship, however, they will not be willing or capable of connecting emotionally.

Basically, being emotionally unavailable means that the person is not interested in love or exchanging emotions on a deeper level.

The physical side of the relationship, along with the intellectual and affectionate side, may all be perfectly aligned, however the emotional aspect of the relationship will be almost non-significant.

An EU will very likely be unwilling to commit; not just to the emotional side, they will unlikely commit to any other aspect of the relationship either. They will be very reluctant to move the relationship on to the next level, even if it is just in the very beginning stages.

Simplified, an EU will not be in a position to allow themselves to fall in love and they will struggle to “show up” and be accountable in the relationship.

Despite all of the above, a relationship with an EU can still be amazing—as long as both people in the relationship are not looking for anything serious.

The good thing about someone who is EU is that very often they will be aware of this, and make it very clear from the outset. And if they don’t speak it verbally, their actions will do the talking.

The trouble often happens when one person sees that as a challenge, and they think they can be the one who can change their mind and charm them into a deeper relationship.

All too often the signs are all there, but people choose to ignore them, turning a blind-eye and thinking that the person is just playing hard-to-get and can be easily swayed.

Here is a tip: If someone is playing hard to get—it’s usually because they are hard to get. There will often be deeper underlying issues such as trust or fear that will be preventing them from moving closer to the relationship.

It may just be that the person is at a stage where they are not ready for anything serious and want to play the field for a while and be involved in something light-hearted. If this is the case and they make their agenda clear to the other person, the EU person cannot be held responsible if heart-break ensues when the one wanting a relationship realises they meant what they said.

The tricky bit is defining the difference between someone who is emotionally unavailable and someone who is secure and confident.

At first glance both can seem one and the same. A secure and confident person will not be dependent on the relationship for emotional needs. However, this doesn’t mean they won’t want to be involved emotionally.

The main difference between the two is the secure and confident person will be willing to be honest from the beginning about what their intentions are. This doesn’t mean that they will pour their heart and soul out about what it is they want from the relationship, it just means they will not be game-playing and will be willing to communicate openly when asked about their intentions.

Very often an EU person is demonized and called childish or a game-player when it isn’t always true. This may be due to the fact that many who are not ready for emotional connections send out mixed messages. One minute they can appear loving and attentive while the next cold and distant. We mustn’t forget that just because someone doesn’t want the emotional side, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t interested in all the other perks of a relationship.

They may be the perfect company, amazing in bed and pay all the compliments under the sun. However, when it comes to feelings and emotions, the one-way valve closes. They won’t really be interested in receiving them and they definitely won’t be interested in giving them out.

There is also the case of “he/she’s just not that into you.” Which can be a painful pill to swallow. It may be nothing to do with the person’s stage in life, but more to do with the person they are in a relationship with when it comes to opening and closing emotional barriers. Again, the proof is always, always in the words and actions. With an open eye and mind it will be very easy to pinpoint exactly what someone’s intentions are. We sometimes just need to take off the rose tints to be able to see it.

When a relationship has one or more person who is EU all expectations that may normally be in place should be dropped. Whoever chooses to continue a relationship like this has a very high chance of being hurt and left feeling used, dazzled and confused. Sometimes, the most difficult part of this will be the rejection and the effect it has on self-esteem and self-worth. However, it is pointless feeling personally slighted in any way. Either the EU person is just not ready for a relationship, or just does not feel that the relationship is right for them.

Either way, we shouldn’t feel rejected if we are not “the one” anyone else is looking out for. Everyone is different and each person has their own triggers as to what they find attractive about a person. We should never take it as a personal injury when someone does not want an emotional relationship as there are so many variables that go into creating a match, it makes sense that we aren’t going to be suited and make connections with everyone.

If we feel our self-esteem is affected in any way, it is not the other person’s responsibility or fault, it is just a sign that we need to take care of it and do a little more work on loving ourselves. Then, we really won’t be caring if someone is or isn’t seeing us as a “perfect partner” as we will already have enough love for ourselves, without requiring it from someone else. Anyone else’s love should be a bonus—not a necessity.

Here is a list of signs that someone could be emotionally unavailable:

They are already in a relationship or very recently separated.

They’ve had a very traumatic past relationship or bitter divorce.

They have a preference for long distance relationships.

Avoids intimate questions about the relationship.

Secretive about their personal life.

Does not like to be questioned or to have confrontation in any way.

Backs away when the relationship starts to develop, then will bounce back and then back away again.

The relationship appears to suit the EU needs far more than the other person.

They are seeing more than one person at a time.

They rarely commit to future dates or future arrangements.

Not willing to meet their partner’s family and friends or makes excuses at the last minute.

Regularly takes a long time to respond to texts or phone calls (if at all).

Does not want to commit to changing the status of the relationship, i.e., boyfriend-girlfriend, steady, engaged, etc.

Always wants to text or email over phone calls.

Unreliable and will often cancel at the last minute.

The relationship seems to focus more on the physical side than anything else.

They are still struggling to move on from, and let go of, their ex.

After sex they quickly make excuses to leave or back off for a short while afterwards

May just disappear from time-to-time with no prior warning or explanation.

May be misleading with words and actions, e.g., says one thing but then does the complete opposite.

They use their past as reasons for keeping their distance.

Does not want to be connected on any social media sites.

Really keen one minute and keeps things at an arms length the next.

Always seems to be a million miles away, struggles to remain focused and in the present moment.

Their whole focus is on themselves, they rarely have regard for anyone else’s thoughts, feelings or emotions.

Enjoys being chased and pursued but is very rarely the chaser.

The relationship is all on their terms, when dates are planned, phone calls are answered and how fast or slow the relationship moves.

The relationship feels more like “friends with benefits.”

Appears complex and difficult to read—constantly keeps their partner questioning things.

They back right off if someone appears too keen or comes on too strong.

It’s also important to remember that just because someone isn’t available emotionally for a relationship, it does not mean that they are the bad boy/girl. It often simply means they’ve had emotionally exhausting experiences and they just want to keep things light for a while…at the very least at the beginning of the relationship.

It is possible for someone to move from EU to a committed relationship, however, they will not want to be pushed. The progression will happen in their own time as they process whatever it is that is holding them back.

Trying to manipulate or pressure someone into committing before they are ready will very likely have an adverse reaction. They may back off completely or stay, but be very unhappy—and emotionally unavailable.

It is far better to remove all expectation and judgements away from the person and either give them the space needed to breathe so that they can go through the motions, or to allow them to find the space on their own, or with someone else who may be willing to accept a relationship with someone who is closed emotionally.

An EU can be charming, fun to be around, interesting, physically/sexually compatible and so much more. While it can be frustrating that everything else seems in place and the emotional side is not openly available, we always have a choice as to whether to stay or remain in this type of relationship. We should not put down, blame or force someone out from their cave before they are ready and willing to take the steps. In doing so we will push them further in and possibly even have the door slammed in our face.

The ironic thing here is that often two emotionally unavailable people attract without even realising. It is always worthwhile to look at why we are attracting this type of relationship in the first place—unless, without even realising it we find out that we are also emotionally available ourselves.

We cannot change someone else; they will change for themselves when they are ready. The best thing we can do is keep an eye out for the signs of an EU, recognise what it is we are getting into and if we need more than what we are being offered we have the choice to break off the relationship and walk away—at least until they are ready to open up (which may or may not ever happen). More importantly than trying to change anything about anyone else, we should be focusing on ourselves and what it is that we are, or aren’t, looking for and discovering why we attract to people who are not willing to emotionally exchange.

These types of relationships suit many people, and that’s great, however, if they cause discomfort, upset and trauma then it’s time to look at, not what they are doing, but what we are doing by staying with someone we aren’t compatible with. When we are constantly focusing outwards we start to believe that other people are responsible for our pain. It is our choice who we have around us and if we attract someone who is not able or willing to emotionally invest in a relationship we need to look at why we are also allowing the interaction to continue and affect our self-worth.

No one else is responsible for our self-esteem, happiness or worth and if any of these things are low, all these relationships will do is validate the foolish things we’ve been feeding ourselves so we continue to believe we have no value and are not capable of receiving love.

Basically, the relationship with an EU is like a mirror—we attract whatever it is we are reflecting out. It is up to us to hold up our own mirror so we can take a look at why we feel undervalued in the first place and then we can do the work required to heal, soothe and seal any wounds. We will then have less focus on what it is someone else is offering as we will have enough peace and love within ourselves to see us through. We can choose to either accept a person as they are, or attract a relationship where we give and receive love in a fairly equal and constant flow.

There’s always that little notion of wanting what we can’t have. However, we must always remember that often what we want isn’t actually what we need. Especially when it comes to relationships.

We should accept what is meant for us and let go of what isn’t. Then, we can either move on, or let the other person move on too so that we can discover what is waiting for us.

 

Relephant Read:

Why We Avoid Date-able Men.

The one simple thing you can always do that works every time if things are tough in your relationship:

~

Author: Alex Myles

Editor: Travis May

Photo: Flickr/Chris Marchant

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Alex Myles

Alex Myles is a qualified yoga and Tibetan meditation teacher, Reiki Master, spiritual coach and also the author of An Empath, a newly published book that explains various aspects of existing as a highly sensitive person. The book focuses on managing emotions, energy and relationships, particularly the toxic ones that many empaths are drawn into. Her greatest loves are books, poetry, writing and philosophy. She is a curious, inquisitive, deep thinking, intensely feeling, otherworldly intuitive being who lives for signs, synchronicities and serendipities. Inspired and influenced by Carl Jung, Nikola Tesla, Anaïs Nin and Paulo Coelho, she has a deep yearning to discover many of the answers that seem to have been hidden or forgotten in today’s world. Alex’s bestselling book, An Empath, is on sale now for only $1.99! Connect with her on Facebook and join Alex’s Facebook group for empaths and highly sensitive people.

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anonymous Feb 21, 2016 8:49pm

Nice try. The Writer of this is ‘EU’. There is no way to justify it when you are F(&#$ed Up. EU my @55, we are rather selfish and self-centered. We don’t care to entertain our emotions but still suffer the same as a normal person. Instead we find other means of justifying the cause.

As a ‘EU’, I only entertain other ‘EU’. I don’t break hearts of the innocent. Only the F&*$(%ed up

‘EU’s.

Enjoy!

anonymous Feb 2, 2016 7:43pm

My heart goes out to all. I'm glad to hear men respond here to the issue of EU. I 'm mid40s. I ended a relationship with an EU woman recently. The relationship was intense but only 6 mos. Ive had long term relationships that thrived and eventually end on mutual il terms but this breakup was by far the most painful experience of my life . The warning signs were there. She is about my age and never had a relationship last more than a few months and even said she hadn't dated in years. Why did I think I'd be different? She came on stronger than I did at the start, maybe that was it. Though the 'casual' part of it was good, I was confused for a lot of the time, anxious, pit in mu stomach feeling like the relationship was all on her terms and as this article stated I started to feel like a friend with benefits even though we were exclusive and in touch every day etc. The worst part was that I had to pull it out of her and hear her say she wasnt feeling it. I had to be the one who ended it. Obviously I avoided years of pain but still, not fun.

anonymous Jan 17, 2016 4:21am

I wish I had read and understood this article 20 years ago – I am mourning time that I can never recover and my EU ex husband appears to be thriving since my departure – but true to form I only know that through his emails and SMS – we live 5 minutes apart – very sad!

anonymous Nov 25, 2015 12:22pm

This can also apply to friends, too. It was the strangest and most painful friendship of my life.

After asking for a reciprocal, mutual friendship, she ended our friendship by unfriending me on facebook. I attempted to message her, but she’s giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment, all for asking for a regular friendship.

It’s been very painful, as I felt very attached to her. It’s almost like going through a break-up.

I’ve never met anyone else like this woman.

Did anyone else think that they could change the person? Help them with their issues?

I’ve learned that next time, I need to let go of that person. She was upfront that she was a “bad friend” and I hurt myself by hanging on, however, therapists contest when someone admits to being a “bad anything” and get in the relationship anyway, they aren’t doing it as much to be honest with you as they are to absolve themselves of any future blame: if you get hurt, it’s your fault, I told you upfront about me, and you knew the rules and how the game would be played.

If that ain’t premeditation, I dunno what is.

anonymous Nov 18, 2015 7:47pm

Excellent article! I am a 55 year old successful business man, who REALLY wants an intimate and emotionally connected relationship. I just don’t want to be married. I went through a terrible divorce 10 years ago that was both emotionally and financially draining. It was truly the worst year of my 55 years on this wonderful planet. I have dated only two woman since my divorce…one for 3 years and the other for 5 years. I loved them both, but was given the ultimatum that I either get married or its over. I chose over both times. I just don’t want to involve layers and the courts if my relationship is not working. Does this make me EU?

    anonymous Nov 19, 2015 6:14am

    Dan, you will know when it would be the right time and a a right woman for you. Keep your heart open and your mind cool, not projecting your painful experience on the future or current relationships. At the same time try to release that your trust issue could come from you not trusting yourself as a reliable partner?.. Being alone together is too sad and not fair for both parties. Make a peace with yourself first, then the right people will come into your world. Kindly –

anonymous Nov 18, 2015 1:31pm

It also should be taken into account that I must communicate emotions through public comments (like here) or on facebook. I did try private messaging, but that didn’t seem to be an option for Clark Kent. He likes to communicate anonymously as Superman it seems. I am not complaining; I do love his enigma like seductive qualites. I really do. Sometimes I feel like a captive audience with no reasonable way to communicate unless I get my butt out on a date with him. And the lag time for that likely seems unacceptable to all onlookers. I understand. I would wonder about me too. However, it is important to be aware of the recovery I am going through. I hate to bring it up again, but, man, it is limiting. I actually am capable of communicating feelings to loved ones. I am actually quite capable of expressing emotion, but it can get awkward to be on display like this. Based on the first articles he shared today, I get the sense that he does share deep feelings for me (like I do for him) and I won’t doubt that like I did yesterday. It is hard to always read an enigma you know and sometimes I get misled. I will share more when I feel inspired as I cannot think of anything else to say right now. I am not as vocal as him either, sometimes I communicate non-verbally, but we cannot do that here.

anonymous Nov 17, 2015 11:25pm

I completely agree with your article! I felt like this was an extremely insightful read for anyone that is trying to understand someone that is emotionally unavailable. Since the beginning of my dating life, I have been extremely emotionally unavailable. It’s not for my lack of care for the other person, but past experiences and influences that have stifled me from being serious with someone. I felt that the comments that people were saying were pretty insensitive when it came to emotionally unavailable people. I understand that you have been in pain by some of the relationships you have had with people like me. Although I communicate with people that I can’t commit, I know there are others that don’t feel the need to confront the person about their lack of intimacy. To those that are acting like emotionally unavailable are just heartless simply don’t understand. It’s heartbreaking to be someone like me. People don’t understand how hard it is for me to commit. The worst thing is I have no idea how to fix it. I shouldn’t have to find the most perfect human being so that I’m finally satisfied. I don’t think I would even be satisfied if I found that person, to be frank. I can’t speak for every EU, but for me, I am paralyzed by fear and anxiety when it comes to relationships. The truth is that even when you communicate with someone about your issues before going into the relationship, for the most part, they will still get hurt. I try to cover all of my bases so that I don’t feel guilty in the end. I told him I had a problem and now he can’t get mad at me. The truth is it still sucks every time and just as I don’t understand what it’s like to be in a healthy, intimate, serious relationship, others don’t understand my distant casual relationships. This is not what I want, and I’m sure it’s not actually what other EU’s want either.

anonymous Nov 17, 2015 6:17pm

OK, so several of the things fit, but the primary difference is that she was VERY emotionally available for a full year and a half and even pushed for engagement — she was the one that was 1st in love, 1st to want an exclusive relationship — it took me 6 months to say I love you after she said that to me … but then BOOM — EU .. and eventually everything was more plutonic and she left me — I did not push, I was very happy with what we had — but just don't have any answers … still want her bak — love her more than anything cos we had what we had … I'm not the type that gives up — she contacts me once or twice a week, but I have not made any comments about a relationship — I am miserable.. HELP.

anonymous Oct 24, 2015 7:02am

Thank you very much for the thoughtful article. I’m 44 (male) and recently divorced.

I’ve just recently started to fall for an EU woman and I’ve never felt so worthless. So bizarre that she’s actually into me….just not like I would like her to be.

Very hard to deal with. I understand it better now.

I’m incredibly low maintenance but at the end of the day anyone with a big heart, who would like to love and be loved will be left in ruins pursuing an EU person.

I’ve made some steps to start meeting other people. It’s really too bad. My heart aches only for her.

Oh well. I’m at least a little wiser.

anonymous Oct 10, 2015 12:29pm

GREAT article, thanks!

anonymous Oct 9, 2015 7:18am

Finding I enjoy your articles more and more. Looking forward when they don’t hit so close to home.

Riding on the fumes of a narcissistic relationship I can say that there is one action he displayed that I try to remember when I start to feel empathetic; the grin he used to get on his face when I became visually upset by his circular cyclical maneuvering. I believe he was/is literally addicted to causing belittlement to people he finds intimidating in one way or another, to make him feel superior.

Both sides of this relationship are sad. Knowing I was a mirror, wanting someone with strengths in areas I lacked yet attracting a reflection of my own emotional empty glass. In this situation, knowledge was not power. What did G. K . Chesterton say? “A woman uses her intelligence to find reasons to support her intuition.” How many times do I need to tell myself to listen to my gut? Practicing the knowledge we posses is so damn hard to do sometimes. If there were only an experience pill.

anonymous Oct 9, 2015 6:10am

this also sounds like trying to have a relationship with a narccassist

anonymous Oct 9, 2015 3:12am

have just broken up with an EU and as much as I could sense his fear and trust issues, his words and actions were not balanced. Problem I have with the article is that once we take away blame, as nice as it is, one is unable to feel angry for being strung along. EU's dangle a carrot in my experience that you can never eat. I should know, I have been one myself in the past.

anonymous Aug 9, 2015 9:24pm

'…I won’t lie to you that there was a time that I wanted to cry because hugging you felt so good.

It was as if I was HOME.

However, the best way for me to deal with this relationship is to observe how it is serving me TODAY. Not YESTERDAY. Certainly, not TOMORROW.

And loving an emotionally unavailable man like you, undoubtedly, isn’t serving me today…'
http://www.aledaboyd.com/2015/08/loving-emotional

anonymous Aug 5, 2015 9:31am

I used to feel ‘safe’ being in a relationship with emotionally unavailable men because I was an emotionally unavailable woman myself. I had erected walls so high that I was numb emotionally. I couldn’t even cry at funerals. So, no wonder how I had attracted my own mirrors.

http://bit.ly/1hjshPd

anonymous Jul 22, 2015 10:31am

I think that the main reason why the EU are demonized is due to the fact that so many are NOT honest with their partners at the start of a relationship. whether he was kidding himself or trying to kid me, I was in a relationship with an EU who filled my head with dreams of a future together, traveling to exotic places and living an active, wonderful life together. I was married to someone else, albeit unhappily. As soon as I started talking about divorcing so that we could spend more time together, he started distancing himself and ultimately blew me off…on Valentine's Day! He never had the decency to have a final conversation with me, the coward. Never apologized once, but, through text, blamed it on incompatibility based on MY missteps and his perceived "red flags.". No, he wasn't in his 20's or 30's…this guy was a divorced 54-year-old! He's now moved on to someone who lives 1000 miles away…textbook!

anonymous Jul 21, 2015 8:37pm

I’m a 34 year old male in nyc & am classically emotionally unavailable. I’ve been this way my entire dating life. While I’m hesitant to co-sign on all of the writer’s descriptions of how/why one comes to BE emotionally unavailable (everbody has their own story). I have to admit that the writer is spot on for the most part in her prescription for dealing with an EU partner. I would like to emphasize the importance of steering clear of us EU’s if you’re not emotionally mature and comfortable enough with yourself to handle the lack of emotional intimacy that is a hallmark of an EU relationship. For their own well-being it’s imperative that the non-EU partner isn’t holding out hope for a deeper connection that is unlikely to materialize.

That said, EU partners can be a wonderful addition to someone’s life so long as both parties are honest about their respective expectations. We can be everything you want in a partner (well… not EVERYTHING haha), and serve as a fun, light-hearted, pastime for someone who is in the right headspace. It is refreshing to see that the writer didn’t minimize the value a casual relationship can bring to the right person’s life. Those of us who are EU tend to be demonized within this culture & I appreciate the extent to which this piece avoided that lazy characterization.

    anonymous Aug 27, 2015 9:45am

    "I would like to emphasize the importance of steering clear of us EU's if you're not emotionally mature and comfortable enough with yourself…"

    There is nothing immature about feeling deep emotions or wanting a deep emotional connection. It is at the heart of the greatest human experiences. The EUs I've come across are actually permanently stuck in time, doomed to repeat their mistakes time and time again. I would argue that this is the hallmark of emotionally stunted people (sorry). So, EUs should not attempt to charm and attract someone they know to be emotionally intelligent and highly compassionate (as was my experience) just because they want something but know they can't "earn" it. EUs should go for people of the same emotional level… so, people that are as emotionally cut off as they are.

    However, this is not what EUs commonly do. They commonly go for incredibly emotionally awake people and pain ensues for the non-EU person. I've experienced this, I've seen it happen to others, and I've heard of it happening to friends of friends, even. It's not a healthy dynamic, but even this article acknowledges that they "bounce back". They want the candy but aren't willing to pay for it. They want someone but aren't willing to let them go… until another "light" relationship presents itself. That is why I agree with what another commenter said in that this resembles the type of person with narcissistic personality disorder. Because, if these people were not primarily self-interested (and could feel a high level of empathy for others), they would not pursue someone they know is not on their emotional level whom they have a high chance of hurting. But they do. This is a harmful dynamic that is being rationalized in this article to make EUs into the victim… but who suffers most? The emotional person or the person who is emotionally cut off?

      anonymous Oct 8, 2015 5:36pm

      Exactly, i think this article is basically a cover piece for narcissists who want to like themselves by coining the phrase "EU". If you are an "EU" person. What you are doing is WRONG! You are hurting people. You need to get help or enjoy the stale calm from other emotionally unavailable people. You do not belong in the deep end so stop swimming over here and stepping on my feelings. Gulp.

    anonymous Aug 27, 2015 1:53pm

    Ty, I would like to clarify that, while I do have a problem with the way some EUs approach relationships, this is not meant as a criticism of EUs that are mindful and careful about their relationships (as you seem to be). I have unfortunately seen many emotionally unavailable people go on to do much damage, while the mindful, clear, and experienced EUs are a rare breed. Casual relationships can work, but only if the EU is careful not to pursue people they know will be hurt by a casual arrangement and this requires a level of self-discipline and communication that many do not have or do not want to bother with. You seem like a rather mindful person, so I would like to extend my apologies if my initial comment seems like an unfair generalization.

anonymous Jul 18, 2015 1:03pm

I have been with someone for over two years and this fits him. At first I thought he was just playing games and then he seen to fit the characteristics of a narcissistbut this article opened up my eyes he fits so many of the characteristics.

anonymous Jul 18, 2015 11:12am

I have been with someone for over two years and this fits him. At first I thought he was just playing games and then he seen to fit the characteristics of a narcissistbut this article opened up my eyes he fits so many of the characteristics.
It is going to be hard to let him go but u know it's for the best.

anonymous Jul 17, 2015 1:45am

Great article with some good pointers..I have experienced some of these traits not only myself, but also in others as well. Thanks for the post!

anonymous Jul 11, 2015 12:50pm

Thank you for your article.
I am getting an understanding of EU. For the past few months, I have tried to follow one special person whom I want to approach for a relation. She fits what you have written. I am a very patient person and want her a lôt.
Thanks again.

anonymous Jul 5, 2015 11:29am

Beautiful piece and incredibly thought-provoking. I truly needed read and absorb your wonderfully written article. Thank you.

anonymous Jul 5, 2015 6:20am

Thank you for this article. It is really an eye opener. i did not know such a thing existed at all.

anonymous Jul 4, 2015 2:49pm

Really great article that helped constrie some thoughts for me. After being single for a couple of years I had started seeing someone I really liked, but I think we were both a bit EU. It ended and after a couple of months I am still struggling with
The idea a mirror attracts whatever it is we are reflecting out projected some self realizations.

anonymous Jul 4, 2015 2:44pm

Sounds like someone with narcissistic personality disorder. How are these two types different?

    anonymous Aug 27, 2015 1:20pm

    They aren't different, really. Emotionally unavailable (EU) individuals are temporarily like this, contrary to narcissists whom have a distinct personality disorder that is nearly impossible to overcome (because they don't see a need to change). However, with regards to EU people, I've heard many cases wherein they are like this for a decade or more. Since EU people act in self-interest and connect in shallow ways, a long-term EU person is almost like "narcissist-lite". They can have narcissistic tendencies.

    They will probably not be the people you can depend on during hard times, because some will be afraid of even becoming intimate in terms of friendship. They are still good people and deserve love, but they are not giving BACK any love. Not really. Meanwhile, the people that entertain these connections are missing out on emotionally available people that have worked hard (on themselves!) to become that way. So, the two are similar yet different… but does the label matter for the hurt partners? Bottom line is that they have to want to change, but neither narcissists nor EU people will want this until they have racked up a series of damaged relationships.

    Love is not about possession, but that sort of behavior can be toxic regardless of how attached one is. This article fortunately mentions the risk of trauma, but I've found that other articles on this and other sites sugarcoat these sort of "relationships" by framing the damaged person as a victim or "project".

      anonymous Jan 13, 2016 8:31am

      I wish I saw this article sooner the signs u mentioned are all there. But he made me feel like he wanted to b loved and needed me when I say I cared for him and liked him so much his response would be I hope so or I don’t believe u don’t sound like u mean it. But every time we were together it was amazing and then he’d freak out n say he can’t do this this isn’t him. And if see him back online saying he was single and looking for a relationship. I finally realized this is only ever going to b something that fills his needs and broke down and gave into him. Now I feel like I lost his respect. He tells me so much and then disappears. There’s times he’s made comments to me and I tell him I’m sorry my mistake I’ll leave u alone. And then he will see me on a dating site and text I hope ur having fun or are u starting to see someone? Did u meet anyone? It sounds like u slept w someone he will say and I didn’t I don’t want to do that. He then wants me and after we are together he withdraws again. I spoke to him 2 days ago n he just stopped texting and I haven’t text him. I’m over the games. I don’t have anything I’ll never get to wake up next to him or hold him all night. Go to dinner w him or the movies. I don’t have anything and being loyal to him idk why. Thank u this was great info

anonymous Jul 3, 2015 9:51am

Thank you so much for this wonderful article, it is extremely helpful and clarifying to me. I have been seeing an EU person for already 5 years, it has taken me a long time and great deal of energy to realise what it is and what I was getting into… we´ve had great moments, but it has been really difficult as well. You have managed to describe it exactly as it feels to me.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

anonymous Jul 2, 2015 9:06pm

I never realized the EU concept but I think this is/was the situation with a guy and me. H sought me twice and after a year of two of nothing is when he sought me, again. That time I was prepared for just a “friendship” but that time ended like the first time. I didn’t demand nor ask for anything except his keeping his promises. Was that hard to ask? Why, if he was EU did he bother to talk to me again!? This thing has made me want to turn off on relationships.

Kane Robert Jul 9, 2018 4:16pm

I would love to share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos I never thought i will have my girlfriend back and she means so much to me. The girl I want to get marry to left me few weeks to our wedding for another man. When I called her she never picked my calls, She blocked me on her facebook and changed her facebook status from engage to Single, when I went to her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me. I lost my job as a result of this cos I couldn't get myself anymore, my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life. I tried all I could do to have her back to all did not work out until I met a Man when I travel to East to execute some business that I have been developing some years back. I told him my problem and all I have passed through in getting her back and how I lost my job, he told me he gonna help me, I didn't believe that in the first place. But he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets’ was amazed when I heard that from him...he said he will cast a spell for me and I will see the results in the next couple of days..then I travel back, the following day and i called him when I got home and he said he’s busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells, he said am gonna see positive results in the next 14 days that is Thursday. My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she had done. She said, she never knew what she was doing and her sudden behavior was not intentional and she promised not to do that again. It was like am dreaming when I heard that from her and when we ended the call, I called the man and told him my girl friend called and he said I haven’t seen anything yet… he said I will also get my job back. And when its Sunday, they called me at my place of work that I should resume work on Monday and they gonna compensate me for the time limit I have spent at home without working...My life is back into shape have my girlfriend back and we are happily married now with a baby boy and I have my job back too. This man is really powerful...if we have up to 20 people like him in the world, the world would have been a better place...He has also helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all happy now...Am posting this to the forum for anybody that is interested in meeting the man for help. You can mail him to [email protected] religious. com, I can’t give out his number cos he told me he don’t want to be disturbed by many people across the world...he said his email is okay and he also have a web site if you want to visit him there’ he will replied to any emails asap..Hope he helped u out too...good luck. His web site is ericaraventemple. webs. com

Isibor Ambrose May 26, 2018 12:58pm

Hello, I am joy Woods. After being in relationship with my husband for years, he broke up with me. I did everything within my reach to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so badly because of the love I had for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back , I had no choice than to try it. I messaged the spell caster, and he assured me there was no problem and that everything will be okay before three days. He cast the spell and surprisingly on the second day, my husband called me. I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that had happened He wanted me to return to him. He also said he loved me so much. I was so happy and went to him that was how we started living together happily again. The spell casters email is : [email protected] You can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or any other Case. 1) Love Spells 2) Lost Love Spells 3) Divorce Spells 4) Marriage Spells 5) Binding Spell. 6) Breakup Spells 7) Banish a past Lover 8.) You want to be promoted in your office/ Lottery spell 9) want to satisfy your lover Contact this great man if you are having any problem for a lasting solution through [email protected]

Mary Wandera May 22, 2018 1:25am

Relationships with EU guys are not pleasant. Don't wait it out. Run and don't look back. Block their number. Disregard their existence. If it didn't work the first time they usually try to come back for seconds. Block. Run. Live your best life.

Augusta Rose May 5, 2018 5:06pm

Great article!!!! 😍

Kelly Moris Mar 26, 2018 8:14am

Thank you Dr. noble for reviving my life , for this last five years have been the most disruptive, I had faced so many challenges, loss of health, peace of mind, finances, families, bad relationships, business ruined. I thank you for your spell which has cleared my life about a month ago and now my life is back together, spiritually,financially, in health and every areas of my life I have grown deeper and wiser, it was my faith and luckily meeting the right healer call Dr peter popularly known as Dr. NOBLE I'm on the road to recovery and I feel I'm a much stronger person now ,my life is almost at his best , my family is back together in love and unity . thanks allot doctor . to fix your life and relationship or to remove black spell magic from your body contact this spiritual healer today via [email protected] you can add him on whatsapp via +2349059610643

Alexander Sands Mar 19, 2018 5:59pm

"Heartache and intense gut churning pain that hurts so badly you can't stop crying for days. You cry while cooking, driving, shopping, and walking your dogs. The universe has a sick sense of humor." YEP- you pretty much describe the feelings perfectly. It's like- "what the fuck just happened"? and then you realize what happened but they take a huge swipe at your self worth on the way out !

Alexander Sands Mar 19, 2018 5:50pm

I recently got dumped by an EU (if you could call it that because the relationship was so one-sided/controlling/calculated). 6 months. Not even sure where to begin with what the worst part about it is because it is so brutal and cold. It's hard to wonder whether these people actually know that they are doing this to other people, or that they don't (or that they really just don't care). It is a really dark form of narcissism....In the end, no matter what you say to them emotionally just makes the distance even further. It's like the person on the other end of the phone is just yawning at everything you say. They tell you that they are just more "cerebral" than you. Ha! But the absolute worst part is that they make you feel like you are deficient somehow and completely throw your sense of self-worth under the bus (and likely to boost their own with a backup boyfriend ready to go). I wish I had known about this 4 months ago. I was ready to leave the relationship but suddenly the sex went through the roof and clouded my judgement- but it was all about physical connection and satisfying/pleasuring her. Bad, bad, bad idea and A LOT of pain- Watch out.

Jose Ramirez Mar 11, 2018 10:18am

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Philippa Lucinda Boomer Feb 26, 2018 3:07pm

I don't know if they are all like this though. If the guy says at the start that he is selfish and only wants a fling and the woman invests in him anyway, then it cannot be said he wasn't honest about his intentions from the start. Narcissists would not even bother telling you they only want a fling and wouldn't warn you against getting hurt. Selfish people just want what they want and if you give it to them then they will keep wanting it, even if it's hurting you. It's still up to the person to walk away if it's not meeting their needs and not fall into the trap of thinking you can change their minds or 'make them' fall for you, which many women do. I've done it and I KNEW not to fall into this trap.

Philippa Lucinda Boomer Feb 26, 2018 2:37pm

It's not up to you to 'fix them'. What a disrespectful attitude! Would you like someone to try and mold and change you the way they want you to be? It kinda means you aren't good enough for them teh way you are. Work on fixing yourself because you aren't worthy of a decent woman at this point. Harsh I know, but who are you to think you are so great you need to change someone who is perfectly imperfect to your liking...as though they were a doll you can make how you want. People are not toys.

Philippa Lucinda Boomer Feb 26, 2018 2:27pm

Makes it hard when they initially tell you they aren't interested in anything more and then start acting like they want to make you happy, hold your hand in public, make you dinner...act like a fucking boyfriend and lead you on to think there might be hope, even says he has feelings for you, but then tells you they don't like you enough to be one...but still want you to cook for them? Some just want a free 'girlfriend experience' and don't want to pay for it...or think that the dinners and whatever else they buy IS paying for the girlfriend experience...but without actually telling you that's what it is. Some people are just wishy washy and I dont' know if they do it deliberately to be sadistic or if they are just fucked in the head and don't know what they are doing?

Stacey Sleck Feb 12, 2018 6:58am

My husband packed out of the house to live with another woman who he meet at work and he send me divorce papers. I did not want divorce because i love my husband very much and i dont want my family to break apart. I suspected the woman use a spell to tie my husband so he cannot return to his family. I was searching for tips on how to win my husband back and i come across a comment which says Dr Kala helped her to recover her husband back after several months of breakup and i took the email of Dr Kala that was present on the comment and emailed him about my problem and he replied back to me and help me to recover my husband back within two days and right now my husband is back with me and he is even more loving than before. You can also contact Dr Kala for help on his email: [email protected] or you can call and whatsapp him on +2347051705853. Dr Kala is the best spell caster and i am very happy to testify of his good work.

Donna O'Dell Jan 20, 2018 7:01pm

I'm sorry. Though there are excellent points in this article, it is basically naive regarding EU people. A narcissist would love this article because it seems to absolve their role of finding people who are emotionally available and using them. They do not look for people like them. They look for people most able to feel what they cannot to suck dry. True emotional maturity would be recognizing that you are being used and abused by the EU person and leaving them.

Donna O'Dell Jan 20, 2018 6:42pm

I agree. I can't read this without thinking it is excusing the behavior of people who really shouldn't be given a free ride. There is nothing wonderful about a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person. I wish they would stick to their own kind, but they seem to have a drive to hurt people who do have the ability to feel.

Mcgregor3015 Jan 12, 2018 10:59pm

Have you heard of Lord Kakabu miraculous work? This man is full of wonders and miracles, his miracle is what have turn my life and that of my wife for better. I contacted him for help to help me win a lottery and Also help cure my wife who have been suffering from kidney problem for 3 year now. Lord Kakabu replied and told me that he will help me win the lottery and my wife will be healed within 12 to 16 hours, I did all he told me and to my greatest surprise everything happened just as he said. My wife was healed and I won the lottery, i bought a house and I am living happily with my wife and daughter now. I am excited and will continue to testify till Christ comes, there is no miracle Lord Kakabu can not do. Are you sick, do you want to win a lottery, do you need a child or need your ex back then hurry and contact Lord Kakabu via email: [email protected]

Vaughn Eric Dec 28, 2017 1:25pm

Wow what a mind bending, slap in the face, or an eye opener. I've been searching for a definition of what other people are or aren't doing, and why other people aren't fitting into my world. What's wrong with every girl I meet they last 2 yrs, and I just can't fix them. I try and mold everyone I've met into the person I want them to be, I'm looking out for the best, I'm not trying to hurt anyone, just do better. if I see a person making or about to get into a situation I alway put out a warning or try to intervene. But everything I've just read it's spot on me, maybe I have a problem, maybe I'm not perfect, maybe I have some or all and more of these signs, so now what. What is a person to do? I'm tired of trying to fit in, make everyone happy, not step on any toes, don't make a mess, be quiet, be clean, be respect, praise others, and noone gets to understand me, myself included, what's the next step.

Mcgregor3015 Dec 27, 2017 2:24pm

I have never seen a man as kind, wonderful, caring and helpful like Lord Kokose. I am a living testimony of his wonderful work and i have made a vow to my self that i will testify about him as long as i live....My wife told me that she needs a divorce despite all the caring and attending i gave her, i tried to begged her but she refused and went ahead with the divorce and ever since then i did not see her again so as i was browsing throw the internet i came across testimonies of people that Lord Kokose has help so i contacted him and he told me that a man cast a spell on my wife that was why she left me but i should not worry because he will help me destroy the spell cast on her and my wife will come begging within 12 to 16 hours....I did not believe him but to my greatest joy at exactly 13 hours my wife came to me fell on her knees and started crying that she did not know what happen to her and that i should forgive and accept her back which i gladly did and even since then we have been living happily.Do you need any help???then contact Lord Kokose via email: [email protected]

Don Alli Dec 19, 2017 7:06am

This is my testimony about the good work of a man who helped me..My name is CAROLINE WAYNE. and I am based in NEW YORK , USA. My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me with our three children. I felt like my life was about to end,and was falling apart. Thanks to a spell caster called papa Justus who i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I was searching for a good spell caster that can solve my problems. I came across series of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. There was one particular testimony I saw, it was about a woman called Grace,she testified about how papa Justus brought back her Ex lover in less than 72 hours and at the end of her testimony she drop papa Justus e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give papa a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problems to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. papa Justus is really a talented and gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man…If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve that problem for you. Try the great papa Justus today, he might be the answer to your problems. Here is his contact: [email protected] www.dejustushealinghome.com Thank you great Justus. Contact him for the following: (1)If you want your ex back. (2) if you always have bad dreams. (3)You want to be promoted in your office. (4)You want women/men to run after you. (5)If you want a child. (6)[You want to be rich. (7)You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever. (8)If you need financial assistance. (9)Herbal care 10)Help bringing people out of prison (11)Marriage Spells (12)Miracle Spells (13)Beauty Spells (14)PROPHECY CHARM (15)Attraction Spells (16)Evil Eye Spells (17)Kissing Spell (18)Remove Sickness Spells (19)ELECTION WINNING SPELLS (20)SUCCESS IN EXAMS SPELLS (21) Charm to get who to love you. (22)Business spell. (23) Find your long lost family. Email him at: [email protected] Whats-app him at: +2347033354868 Website: www.dejustushealinghome.com

Rosila Mike Nov 13, 2017 5:36am

After being in relationship with him for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: [email protected] you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS:[email protected] CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM

Rosila Mike Nov 13, 2017 5:33am

After being in relationship with him for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: [email protected] you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS:[email protected] CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM

Dave Lake Nov 7, 2017 6:05am

While this is a very well thought out piece and describes some individuals I encounter very well, I wonder about the hostility in some of the comments. Like Dan (commented earlier) I went through a very difficult divorce, waited some time and began dating and ultimately ended several multiyear relationships when given the ultimatim to get married or move on. I had not been secretive about my intentions but had been honest and open. I do not want to get married again even 13 years after my divorce. That desire alone has been enough for some women to label me with similar language used in these comments. I never chased them, but responded when they came after me, and did try to connect emotionally but often ended up having the trust issues get in the way. At least that is how I have been taught to look at it. In reality, monogamy is about as natural as eating uranium. It was invented during the most recent 0.1% of our species' 6 + million year history for economic reasons that no longer dominate. For pointing out such things, men are often labeled with many very nasty and negative terms. I don't think we should feel like failures and start labeling one another when relationships don't work out, but should learn to empathize and improve before the next one. What I see in the dating world, and in most of these comments, is the princess myth that is perpetuated by movies wherein a hero rides in and somehow "completes" the other person, providing endless romance and deep love. I hope that some who lash out when this romantic love myth is threatened can use their failed relationships to grow up and forge relationships that are based on mutual respect and support, and not some romantic love fantasy or feeling of deep love that is certainly wonderfully intoxicating and great fun but inevitably temporary. Attacking and pathologizing those who simply point out that the fairytale relationships of the movies don't really work in real life is a simplistic and easy solution to a complex problem. I did enough of this when I was hurt and shocked over my failed marriage, but I no longer feel the urge to paint others with this brush. Be honest and you will get honesty in return. Be honest with yourself and clearly state expectations. Follow the golden rule and you will find great joy in making others happy and proud to do the same. You may even find satisfying relationships that don't rely on the deep emotional connection whose hallmarks have been pounded into your brain by Hollywood and a cottage industry of self help books/blogs. You may also enjoy your life more, dwell less in bitterness, and learn to appreciate and enjoy people for who they are.

Georgina Georges Nov 2, 2017 1:57am

At last my happiness and joy has been restored through this email [email protected] as my husband who left me for another girl has finally come back good and still lovely to me , i want to use this time to give thanks to Dr Okojie who has use his love spell and prayers to bring back my ex lover and also share little about my rough story between me and my husband and the other girls , i got married to the man i love Sanchez June 23 2013 and we have been together ever since and we have lived happily, we both have a daughter , but this year 2017 when he traveled to new York on a business, things changed even when he was away he never called to say hi to me and my daughter and this was unlikely of him, because he loves our daughter to sky , so i began to suspect something wasn't right, but i waited for him to return to me in Canada, so i know what the problems was, only for Sanchez to come back asking for divorce, at first i thought he was joking , but with time i saw he was so serious on this, i tried to plead with him but nothing changed , i called my mom telling her about the situation and she said i should pray about it , i was depressed and devastated on this issues and was praying and looking for help to stop the divorce and save my marriage, i seeked help with many persons non could help , i continue with the search of help because i knew and have the feelings my man was not on his right senses because i know the man i married can never ask me for a divorce, so i kept on looking for solutions i spent almost all my savings seeking solution , until Juliana a colleague told me about Dr Okojie of [email protected], i never wanted to email him because many has taken money from me without giving me any good results, but when he gave her words about Dr Okojie i decided to give it a trial , contacted him and told him about myself , he told me that he will have me to make my husband stop the divorce and reunite us again , that he gave me three days after which everything will be back to it normal place for good , i did some few things he said i should do as instructed , and let him do his work i was at work on the 15th of July about 10 AM when i received letter from my husband that my husband has cancelled the divorce case and same day at about 12 noon my husband wrote me a sweet text , and this was how me and my husband came back and today we are better as one family , so i want to use this means to tell you all. contact Dr Okojie for any kind of relationship or marriage problems and i let him solve it for you just as he has done for me. you can also contact him if you are unable to bear children!. , his contacts Email; [email protected]

Florine Rhema Oct 8, 2017 5:45am

Powerful article, this just explained all my worries...the writer of this article is highly gifted, thank you so much

Gabriella Kortsch Sep 24, 2017 6:09pm

This is a very complex topic ... no matter which way you cut it. I wrote an entire book about it and the title tells you much about the dynamic: "Emotional Unavailability & Neediness: Two Sides of the Same Coin".

Thomas Plecenik Sep 20, 2017 5:23pm

I have been in a relationship with a women for 13 months albeit she has 4 children and her job takes up alot of her time, she has her kids only 15 days a month..She told me numerous times she couldn't be in a relationship and pull away but then send me a letter about her past marriage and what she would like in the future hopefully with me. I would come back things were great and she pulled away again. Her kids tell her we like him, and she comes around again then pulls back when things get serious..She tells me she doesn't know what normal feels like, but that everything from how I talk to her to how she is treated makes her feel wonderful. Over labor day after spending the weekend together, she became ill and said while laying in bed overthinking she felt really guilty. The next day she asked to take a break.. I am not a yo-yo and understand her divorce more than 4yrs ago was traumatic, but can't seem to break away from this cycle, we had so many great times. But the words and actions sometimes just don't add up. So a break I will give her and if she comes calling. SHE needs to work on herself before I could ever think about even a friendship.