All relephant questions will be answered with loving kindness. (Yes. Every one.)
Authors remain anonymous. No judgments, just soulful answers.
Q. I have a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend of two years.
He is everything that I’ve asked the universe for. Things flow naturally between us, we can be completely ourselves around each other, and support each other in everything we do. If an issue arises we are able to communicate with each other to resolve it. We seem to have it all when it comes to love—except one thing. Sex.
Since the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend has had trouble performing. Because of this, our relationship is built on emotional intimacy rather than physical—and in some ways I feel this is a good thing, because before anything, we are best friends, but we sure would like to make love to each other, and we can’t. It’s been two years now and we have had decent sex maybe twice in our entire relationship.
He has a very high libido and will try to have sex with me almost every night, but often times I turn it down because I am avoiding the let down. Sometimes I get more optimistic and will go through periods of time where we will try every day or every other day, still only to be let down by either a penis that goes soft or an ejaculation in five seconds of sex.
He masturbates almost every day and is able to reach orgasm, but I don’t think it is the same every day. Some days he says he “feels good” which to me means he can have a fully erect penis, and then there are days when he can only be in between soft and erect…
He is very healthy, eats mostly raw, organic, vegetarian food, and very active and strong. The irony of all this is he had a fling with a girl just a couple of months before we met where he was able to perform for many hours at a time and days in a row. This problem began, or was noticed, when we began being intimate with each other.
I kind of wondered something silly…was his mojo taken by this girl? He says he has never had this problem in the past. As a side note, I have lost most of my desire to have sex. I’m not sure if it is because of this issue we have, or if I am having my own separate issue also.
We are both 27 years old, healthy and strong. Why can’t we make love together? I just want to make love with my boyfriend.
A. It’s wonderful to hear that you and your boyfriend have a trusting relationship.
I promise you, this is necessary for any work that the two of you might do together. If you were having great sex but not connected on a deeper level, I’d be more concerned for the health of the union.
To begin, there are two things of which I can assure you:
1. Your boyfriend’s problem is not uncommon.
2. No one took his mojo anywhere.
When we enter intimate relationships with other human beings, thousands of psychological details—both conscious and unconscious—come into play and have a profound effect on how we interact with our partners. What works in one relationship may not work in another. It’s human nature; we adapt.
Because you have the channels of communication open, I presume you both have talked about his inability to maintain an erection and/or to prematurely ejaculate. Perhaps the next move is not to discuss it. Although communication as one of the most vital aspects of any intimacy conflict, in this case I’d suggest that you place a moratorium on talking about his sexual situation.
Our minds get so bogged down in the “should”s and “ought to be”s that we get bound up in them, inevitably tripping into dissatisfaction and frustration.
Try clearing the slate. Forget everything and start again. Think of it as a reboot for your relationship.
In fact, you may wish to place a moratorium on sex itself. Instead, come to the bedroom with beginner’s mind. Have no expectations of what will occur or not occur. Think of your love as the catalyst for lying down together. Bring to the bed that solid relationship you already have. Use that as the leaping off point. You love each other and want to share that love by being close to one another physically.
You may wish to be clothed and hold each other. You may wish to remove just your tops, for example. (I once described topless cuddling as a method of foreplay to a friend who was in a long-term relationship. She found this very simple act was just the thing to refresh her sex life with her mate.) In time, you may wish to lie naked together.
Clothed or unclothed, when you touch, think of it as a thanksgiving. An appreciation for each part of your lover’s body that gives you pleasure—visually, emotionally. You can even speak your appreciation. As in, “I love this little slope in your shoulder.” or “The smell of your skin makes me feel safe.” Whatever works. You decide. Take turns with this appreciation.
The Journey is the Destination
It may be that over time, sexual feelings will begin to arise once again. Allow them to surface, but try not to have any expectations of where it might lead. The most intimate sexual experiences don’t always end in climax. With true intimacy, the journey is the destination. Making love involves many levels, many opportunities to be close to your beloved. That’s why it’s called making love. It’s an ongoing process.
You mentioned that your boyfriend is able to orgasm through masturbation. If you both find yourselves in a sexual mood, but pressure to perform is looming, you might wish to try mutual masturbation. This is a perfect opportunity to share intimacy and learn each other on an even deeper level.
Ask for Help
Because relationships are so intricate and sometimes difficult to navigate, you and your partner may wish to enter couples’ therapy or coaching together. Alternatively, you and your partner may wish to seek coaching/counseling separately.
It may be helpful to seek a professional’s assistance in catching your sex life up to the amazing level the rest of your relationship enjoys.
Author: Rachel Astarte
Editor: Catherine Monkman
Photo: Wikimedia Commons