I have only been on Tinder for four days and OkCupid for two; however, I already have more stories and surprises than I could imagine.
In searching both online and offline for relationships, I’ve realized how I have to be grounded in myself before running into the Toys”R”Us of men.
I hope some of these reflections help you as you navigate the fun and also confusing dating world online:
1) Be full—eat, drink, sleep, pleasure yourself before you look at the profiles.
Bodily needs are often so subtle that you may not realize how this affects your judgment.
When we are hungry and go supermarket shopping, we come back with way more food than we can consume. When we go onto a dating site while horny, our judgment will be affected. We hope for more, our body says there is more and we go straight for eye candy rather than soul food.
Our language might also be suggestive, and this can make a man wild, which means more sex online or on their mind in advance.
Sleep-deprived people can act like they are high. So your decision making is affected as well. Tinder is dangerous as you can simply click click click as if all men were the same. Crucial critical thinking skills are not switched on.
Of course, when sleep-deprived we tend to slur linguistically and we come across less than fully ourselves. We have knee-jerk reactions to their statements. Why do most people act strangely late at night? Not enough sleep makes us less inhibited, and so slightly too loose-lipped. We may offend or offer more than intended in those first few conversations.
2) Be comfortable with your body and theirs.
There is a reason why height and body pictures are paraded again and again on the guys’ profiles. Learn to understand they are flaunting their best stuff, showing you what we all know society values.
Just look at them as if they were art pieces in a museum, and if you feel appreciation thank them quietly and in your own heart for that.
While I speak of being attracted to a person’s insides—not their outsides—I also understand how important sexual chemistry is. We are animals and spiritual at the same time. Honor both parts by looking at the men and seeing if this man will be able to excite you physically. This does not mean just a six-pack; it means the way they smile, the way their eyes twinkle and their best features.
On that same note, men are visual, and so offer them a chance to see you at your best. This means your feminine form, your smile and your twinkly eyes—a celebration of your body. If you are ashamed of it online will you be able to reveal yourself offline?
My first OkCupid date had lovely eyes and a gentle face. He was a great conversationalist, and so sparks flew over the computer screen. But when he came to the gate to meet me, I could see he was not as slim as his pictures online. He was hiding it from me.
Over a glass of wine on his balcony, we found each other charming. He offered to give me a massage and I playfully agreed. By this time, I had ascertained in myself, I did want to see how being physical with him would be like.
A sweet kisser, very gentle and sensitive to my needs, I was quite taken. Then when we both were naked, I realized he had breasts and a tummy and I could not find the sexual energy I had before for him. In great compassion for him and also for myself, we had intimacy, but only as much as I wanted to give. Yes as much as I wanted to give, women have to tell the men what that is. Gentle but firmly. Men find you attractive and so they need to be guided on what can or cannot be done at any point of the sexual relationship.
I could also see he was not comfortable with going beyond his own comfort zone. He was surprised by my openness to playing but he was not going to connect with me at the soulful sensual level. He gave his best and in compassion I accepted that. It was not enough for me. I wanted more and I didn’t beat myself up. I knew what I wanted for myself and I know he was a lovely gentle spirit that was a companion for the afternoon not a lifetime.
3) Practice separation and connection—boundaries and grounding,
There is a need to be safe physically. So do not share too much of your personal details ever. Get their details and meet them in a public space so you can discern their personality and character before moving to anything more.
Some girl friends do not want to chat until they meet the guy. So they can see and sense the guy better when they meet in person. I agree to some extent. I believe chatting ahead may save you a few extra poor dates. When you chat, do not do an interview, rather look for similarities and see whether these are strong enough to go the course. Online profiles of men are usually brief as they are not as linguistically inclined (aka talk less than women), so chatting and asking them questions allows them to connect with you. Only if you are sure there is a connection strong enough, not just for a date, but for several dates, then meet the guy. This is not playing hard to get, this is being fair to you and him. A date involves time and money and effort, driving half way across town or to another state based on your own projections and delusions is unfair to him and you.
We all want to see the best in others and conscious people see the good in all things. When we decide against going on a date with the person, it is never about rejection—it’s about a lack of connection. Rejection implies we do not like parts of them and we turn them away after we initiate contact. Non-connection means we know that we are not aligned despite what the profile says. An earlier “no” is a less painful goodbye later. Remember that.
In all these, please meditate, or listen to yourself before you connect with anyone. If you are not grounded in yourself and your own wisdom, you are also sending mixed signals and may try to connect from your own old wounds rather than your now self.
How can you see this? When you want to please them, when you want them to please you, when your conversation becomes scripted (this means you act according to a social role you are imbued with). You want them to do a certain action like open the door, pay for the meal, order for you, etc. This means you are giving them a checklist to pass through before you let them in completely.
Turn within. Keep yourself safe—physically and emotionally—and keep them safe emotionally by not demanding something from them they cannot give.
My first Tinder date broke every rule my mother gave me. I met him at 12:30 a.m. when he picked me up in his car, not a public place. I did however send his profile and cell to my girlfriend as I always do with every date, so someone knows where I am. I tell the guy that I did that too. Why did I do something so risky? Well I checked in and I knew I was safe. I did my grounding and knew this was a good move. Less than five hours into Tinder, I met a guy. He was a lovely spirit. He and I had such great conversation on spirituality and life experiences. He came with his two dogs he cared for since he found them abandoned. Gorgeous dogs, we took them for a walk by the beach in the night and we spoke about spiritual matters we rarely found someone else to accept or hear.
I knew when I entered the car that he was not my life partner. He was a brother on the journey. I let him know at the end of the date; he was up for more, but I knew it could not be. In compassion and truth, we are now planning an event to gather more of us spiritual seekers and who knows we may both meet our Mr. and Miss Right there.
Author: Marion Neubronner
Editor: Travis May
Photos: Deviant Art