October 25, 2015

Let’s Get Intimate: How Do I Love Myself? {Adult Q&A}


Do you have questions about creating intimacy or developing mindful relationships?
Confusing questions? Awkward ones? Deep, dark, scary ones? 

I want them. Email your questions to: [email protected].

All relephant questions will be answered with loving kindness. (Yes. Every one.) Authors remain anonymous.
No judgments, just soulful answers.


Q. I am a 57 -year- old white male living here in America. I have crashed and burned both financially and in relationships.

Here are my questions:

How do I fall in love with me?
Where do I find the psychic energy I need to fight for the things I want?
I lost my balls somewhere, how do I get them back?


A. These are excellent questions. Although they seem like three separate topics, they all ask the same thing: How can I live and love fully in this life?

But let’s take them one at a time anyway. You’ll see what I mean.

How do I fall in love with me?

The same way we fall in love with other people is the way we fall in love with ourselves: Get to know you. The real you. Much like relationships, you may begin by getting to know the really shiny, exciting, amazing part of you. That’s fine. Here are some ways to do that:

  1. Acknowledge yourself as a unique being. Remember that you come from Creation/Great Spirit/the Universe/God and because of that, you carry a spark of that majesty within you.
  2. Begin to enjoy the vibrancy of doing the things you love to do. (e.g., travel, build something with your bare hands, make love to yourself, turn off the phone and spend a whole day reading a novel…)
  3. Share your life with only the people you wish to.
  4. Remove the dead weight from your life (e.g., the toxic people—energy-drainers and/or people who do not champion your stellar existence as they do their own, and the toxic actions you perform—negative thinking, soul-crushing job, etc.)
  5. Be kind to yourself. Always.

Then, also like relationships, the real you will begin to emerge after a while. You’ll mess up, you’ll have doubts, you’ll feel worthless and despairing. Good. That’s real. When you trip up on the path, when you are not kind to yourself, acknowledge and forgive it. Remind yourself that you are on the path. The best any of us can do is try.

Where do I find the psychic energy I need to fight for the things I want?

Finding energy for what you want comes from generating that energy within. The answer to your first question is a great start toward creating and sustaining that energy.

Another way is to begin a solitude practice. In my book, Celebrating Solitude, I write about why taking regular time to nurture ourselves is the psychospiritual equivalent to recharging our batteries. Once you have energy to care of your own needs and fight for what you want, you’ll find a surprising benefit: You will have enough energy to give to others, and that is immensely appealing to a potential partner.

I lost my balls somewhere, how do I get them back?

I’m sure there are several men’s movement leaders who will have much to say about this subject! Without going into the plight of the middle-aged white male—and I do not mean to make light of the confusion and internal repression many white males have suffered since the end of the 20th century—I can tell you where your balls are: Right where you left them. (Did you just look down? That’s not what I meant.)

Your proverbial balls are your sources of strength and chutzpah when the going gets tough. When you need to put on the steam and get what you want, those nuggets of individual power fire up and blast you to where—and whom—you need to be.

Guess what? Even though you’ve experienced rough road along your path, that individual power never left you. You just forgot it was there, waiting for you to call upon it again.

Once you begin to reconnect with your deepest self, the one that is here for the purpose of living to its highest potential (i.e., whatever thrills you and makes you feel fulfilled), the power will rush back to your being, ready for you to use it to improve your life and, by example, the lives of those around you.

Happy loving!


Relephant Read: 

Let’s Get Intimate: Is Aloneness My Destiny? {Adult Q&A}


Author: Rachel Astarte

Editor: Emily Bartran

Photo: Renee.hawk/Flickr

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