November 8, 2015

Are You in a Conscious or Unconscious Relationship?

Some claim this is the era of technology; I say this is the era of intimate relationships.

If we look around, we find that at least one in six people is in a relationship, engaged, or married.

However, is our relationship conscious?

If I read that line five years ago, I probably would have laughed at the word “conscious”. Maybe I would’ve linked it to spiritual interpretations or some barren theories.

Today, I believe more than ever that our world is split into consciousness and unconsciousness.

Consciousness is having complete awareness of our emotions, actions and words. On the contrary, unconsciousness is being oblivious to whatever comes out of our mouths. Most likely, they are reactions that emanate from our past experiences without being fully aware of them.

Everything we do in this life is either conscious or unconscious; especially when it comes to relationships.

The relationship we have with our partner is either driven towards consciousness or driven towards unconsciousness.

Personally, I was in many unconscious relationships (which I have mistaken for love). I never knew during the partnership that I was led by unconsciousness—neither my partner did. In every single relationship I would succumb and create more unconsciousness.

Not only have I witnessed unconsciousness in my relationships, but I have also observed it within the circle of my friends and family. After close scrutiny, I have realized that an unconscious relationship doesn’t always mean unhappiness; it simply means that partners are creating patterns that jeopardize the relationship.

Are we in a conscious or an unconscious relationship?

We can try and find out below:

1) In a conscious relationship there is ego transcendence. Couples go beyond their egos—everything that exists between partners is a result of their alertness rather than their ignorance. They don’t crave attention, they don’t have needs their partner can’t meet. They don’t fight to make the other person feel guilty or to gain recognition. In an unconscious relationship there is ego preoccupation. We are in constant need of attention, we fight for barren reasons to gain personal benefits. There is competition, jealousy and drama, and we tend to become emotional and play the role of the victim.

2) In a conscious relationship there is space allowance. Couples understand that their personal growth is crucial. There is no pressure associated—they give each other the needed space to grow, breathe, and work on their personal goals.
In an unconscious relationship there is no space: Feelings become eminent to a point of losing one’s personal space and time. They become dependent on each other, and sticking together all the time can thoroughly block their personal growth.

3) In a conscious relationship blame is off the table. Conscious partners understand that everything in this life is interdependent; there are millions of causes and conditions associated with events. Hence, they don’t blame each other nor do they take on the victim role when something goes wrong. In an unconscious relationship there is constant blaming. Likely, they are prone to blame the other person for their own feelings and thoughts—they don’t understand that negativity is created by themselves. On the contrary, they blame it on their partner and hold them responsible for their misery.

4) In a conscious relationship there is no controlling. Each partner is free to speak, do and live as he pleases. There is no persuasion regarding what to wear, how to behave or what to do with their time. There is no manipulation, and they don’t play mind games to get what they want. In an unconscious relationship there is constant controlling; unconscious partners draw a certain image of each other in their heads and try to change the other accordingly. They control their way of thinking, way of dressing, or way of living.

5) In a conscious relationship there is no fear of breaking up. Conscious partners love each other but can live without each other. They believe that love is a state that can be continuous without the need to physically own each other. Additionally they understand that their paths might clash at some point or that life might throw something at them they have to face. In an unconscious relationship there is a distinct fear of breaking up. Partners are attached to each other to the extent that they will not let each other go in separate directions. They retain the relationship no matter how abrasive it becomes.

6) In a conscious relationship there is communication. Partners speak their minds, their emotions and needs. They don’t play mind games in order to get what they want. In a conscious partnership, couples understand that communication is pivotal to keep things on the right track. In an unconscious relationship there is lack of communication. Partners are likely to play mind games with each other to get what they want. They don’t communicate their needs nor where they stand emotionally and mentally. Outbursts often take place when miscommunication is frequent.

7) In a conscious relationship you work on yourself. We are not perfect people but the least we can do is recognize our issues and work on them. Conscious partners are aware of their weaknesses and negatives. They fervently work on them to create a positive change in their relationship. In an unconscious relationship there is refusal to amend oneself—unconscious partners tend to ask the other to change instead of working on changing themselves. As a result they create a destructive environment that will only make the other partner less comfortable, yet more distant.

8) In a conscious relationship you cultivate aloneness. Conscious couples realize that being alone is as important as a partnership. If we don’t know how to be alone, we will not know how to live with someone. Once we do, however, we will create a comforting atmosphere for each other that will bring about a peaceful space. In an unconscious relationship we loath aloneness. We will get used to our partner and avoid being alone so we don’t feel lonely. In return, our partner will feel pressured and lose their personal space as a result.

Attributes associated with conscious relationships are innumerable, but the biggest sign of all is feeling a sense of security, safety and inner peace. In contrast, unconscious partnerships lead us to losing ourselves.

If the unconscious attributes above outweighed the conscious ones, it is an unmistakable sign that it’s time to repair the relationship or to end it.

Good luck!



Loving the One You’re With When You No Longer Like Who You Are.

Author: Elyane Youssef

Editor: Erin Lawson

Image: Flickr/Jake Stimpson // Flickr/Linda Yvonne

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