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January 2, 2016

I Hope you will Forget about Me.

woman on boat

“The scariest thing about distance is you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget about you.”

~ The Notebook

Although I still love you, you decided that you didn’t love me enough to stay—and so I hope that you will eventually be able to forget about me.

I don’t want your memory haunted by my voice and the way that it got just a little softer around the edges when you were around.

I know that it’s not possible to erase our history—white it out to make it seem like it never happened.

Whether we see one another or not—whether a decade passes again until my eyes connect with yours—our history is one that is impossible to completely erase.

I should know that more than anyone, because I have tried.

I spend the majority of my days forcing myself not to think about you.

I made myself forget about the story of a girl who loved a boy so much she scared him away.

It’s a terrible tragedy when people part ways for no reason.

We never had a falling out, we never argued—we didn’t lie or even cheat.

And our passion most certainly never died out.

We just simply parted ways because it became impossible to stay.

But even that doesn’t change a thing and you know it too.

The truth is, my eyes are filling with tears right now thinking about your soft brown eyes and the way they always seemed to break me in two.

I make the tears I shed count—inside each one is the sensation of your lips upon mine and the scent of your skin mingling with mine.

And no matter what has transpired, my only wish for you is that you don’t miss me as much as I yearn for you.

I hope that unlike me, you will be able to forget about me.

All of me—everything about the woman I am.

That maybe with time, the blues of my eyes won’t seem as brilliant, and maybe the way my hair falls across my bare shoulders won’t be as alluring.

I hope that someday, you’ll only remember all the reasons why you left and none of the ones of why you should have stayed.

I know that you are in love with someone else and I do wish you happiness.

Though it breaks my soul open a bit to say these words to you.

I understand why you had to cut me out of your life—we always were an all or nothing scenario.

For the longest time, I thought you would choose everything—because who really wants to be left with nothing.

But, you didn’t.

And that’s okay—because I suppose I I wasn’t meant to be a part of your journey any longer.

I wasn’t the one who your heart longed for and I wasn’t the one who quelled any confusion that might have kept you up into the early morning hours, sleepless from wanting.

But the thing is, I love you enough that I want you to be happy, even if it’s not by my side.

I don’t blame you for having to say good-bye to me, and attempt to erase any sign I was ever here.

It’s the moments and people who pull on our heart that make it impossible to move forward if they are still lingering on the sidelines.

So, I understand why you took an eraser to the memories of us.

The thing is, I am okay without you—most of the time.

But, if I am honest with myself, it’s only because I have taken my feelings for you, the recollections of our time together and the sound of your voice and wrapped it up in thick burlap, tied with the heavy ribbon of bittersweet memories and have buried it as far into my psyche as possible.

I know that I will have to deal with it at some point, but I can’t right now.

Because now, the only thing that I want to do is forget—remembering just hurts too much.

I hope that you don’t feel the same way I do.

I hope that when you lay in your bed late at night, whether you are alone or not, that it’s not the feeling of my skin that crosses your mind before you fall asleep.

I hope that you don’t miss my laughter and the way we always talked about anything and everything.

I hope that you don’t think of me at all—not even for an instant, not even for a minute.

Because I would never want to get in the way of your happiness or to be a memory that causes you regret.

I genuinely care for you enough that I hope you will forget everything soon.

Not really because I want to be forgotten—but because I want you to be happy.

And if you need to pretend that I don’t exist so that you can move forward into your future, I understand.

I only ever wanted you in my life if you desired to be there—I didn’t want to fight for you or to beg you to stay.

I wanted you to be here and when you no longer did, that was why I let you go—even though it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

The only thing I wish for you now is the exquisite beauty found through forgetting that I am still here, still me and still available.

If one day you realize that maybe there is no such thing as forgetting a woman like me—then I hope you have the courage to do something about it.

Because it’s never too late to change the ending of the story.

It’s never too late to make what could have been a reality.

And it’s never too late to change your mind.

~

Relephant:

Whatever—I’ll just Date Myself.

Music to Mend a Broken Heart.

Author: Kate Rose 

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickr/Royal Opera House Cove

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