Advanced Sexual Skills: Erotic Confidence. {Adult}

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If you give a rat a dab of peanut butter it will likely repeat whatever it just did.

If you give it another treat when it does the same thing you have some control over that rat.

If you coo when your lover strokes your thigh, or bite his shoulder hard when he jams his finger against your clitoris you might think you have a little control over your lover and are in for better sex.

And you would be right.

But there are some problems with this scenario: To reward a behavior that behavior has to rear its head, otherwise you can’t reward it.

You can’t reward a rat for reading the newspaper, simply because they don’t.

And you can’t reward your lover for doing something that they never do.

So you need to teach them—and yourself—how to try just about everything. Being totally uncritical does just that.

Once you feel free rolling around together then successive approximations come in. You reward your lover as he/she zooms in on maximum pleasure. This is the game we played as kids when searching for something and being told “hotter” and “colder.”

That works really well during sex; it is not judgmental and leads us on the way to sexual heaven.

More attention in bed is as rare as healthy chocolate cake. But it works and makes us more present everywhere else as well.

Being there while having sex

Attention is often missing in the bedroom, and that is the place that we need it most.

But let’s face it, most of us aren’t so comfortable with bare bodies and the nuances of genitals tend to mystify us.

Getting to know our physical assets (and our partner’s) assists in the dance of shared pleasure. And it is as simple as playing compassionate doctor with each other.

Noticing change

You are likely to notice if your partner grows a mustache or puts on a few pounds, but most people wouldn’t notice subtle changes in each others genitalia or arousal patterns. Failure to notice leads to uninspired, patterned sex.

The purpose of habit is not having to be present while we are doing something. And this is sadly, exactly what happens during sex.

Often people imagine how great sex would be with someone new, not realizing that a bit of excess attention invites novelty and newness to everything we do. It makes our partner and ourselves feel brand new.

Get to know your sweeties’ private parts. And then notice that they, like every aspect of us, is changing.

With permission snap some pictures of your partner’s vagina or penis. Shoot close up. And then in a month or two take some more pictures.

A wonderful thing about pictures is that you can stare at them, use a magnifying glass and study them. Do just that so you could pick your partner’s genitals out of a line-up.

The problem with pictures is that they are two dimensional, aren’t juicy, hard or warm.

So don’t fixate on the pictures, just use them as a means to the end of getting down deep and personal with your lover’s privates—making them known to you.

Careful with the pictures though: keep them away from the web, the kids and the coffee table.

Making sex really social

Confrontation happens when my attention meets your attention. And most of us seek to avoid confrontation.

We do so by averting our eyes when we pass someone, by holding our breath and our words when we don’t agree with someone, and by generally becoming quite inattentive in social situations.

So inattentive that we attempt to make the act of sex itself non-social. We keep our attention either on our partner exclusively or focused on ourselves. We exchange fluids but not ongoing feedback about our experience.

This non-social aspect of sex seems to be quite fine for many men but disappointing for most ladies.

We need to make sex social again. And for that we need genuine real world feedback on how we did.

This isn’t likely to take the form of Olympic judges holding up numbers to record a score.

But it can easily be done with a little nest of inexpensive, thoughtful treats that you slip under your lovers pillow after a special night.

You don’t have to be the tooth fairy to do this, just a satiated, happy lover.

Little presents make your sweetie feel special. But they aren’t so special if you give them all the time. With rats, and people, providing intermittent reinforcement works best.

So surprise gifts are shinier than consistent or expected ones.

There is nothing sexier than feedback!

There is just nothing that turns us on more than knowing how well we did. And that has been sorely missing regarding sex.

Our insecurities abound when we aren’t sure how we did or leave it up to our partner to either compliment us or be silent.

Let your lover know not only how well they did, but what you especially appreciated.

Even a few words, mixed with oohs and ahhs make quite a difference.

Imagine your boss comes up with a new idea to never give you feedback on how you are doing.

That would suck, and it would bring up your insecurities.

The same sort of things happens in the bedroom.

Now imagine that your boss keeps close tabs on how you are doing and makes sure that you get rewarded when you do a good job, so you always know how well you have done.

Real, concrete feedback is a turn on that spurs on performance

Now imagine it’s Sunday morning and you are sitting at the breakfast table with your spouse and kids. You have a little bauble in your robe pocket that you found under your pillow just this morning.

You feel great, special and appreciated, so much so you are excited to pass the cereal and face the day.

Certainly, sex should be a reward in and of itself, but you can help it along by providing positive feedback and little pillow prizes.

This is such a simple idea and the rewards are colossal. It transforms the bedroom into a secure, safe place to play with someone you love.

Relephant:

~

Author: Jerry Stocking

Editor: Travis May

Image: Flickr/Lord Jim

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Jerry Stocking is a modern day Thoreau who left the fast paced world as a stock broker and moved to the woods. He now spends his time helping others, and himself, express their zest for life. He lives his life with heart wide open on a 33 acre blueberry farm with two ponds and a peaceful pace. Often writing at 3 a.m., there are no social conventions here, just the pursuit of possibilities and unconditional love. To find out more, take a peek at this "Getting the Joke.", or read Jerry’s free e-book download his free e-book., visit his website for some inspiration...

Comments

11 Responses to “Advanced Sexual Skills: Erotic Confidence. {Adult}”

  1. TahitiNut says:

    Amen! I'm "wired" to get my own pleasure by giving pleasure. When I have no feedback, I feel I've been 'tested' without being given the 'lesson' … a "no-win"' quite literally. When I have feedback, I feel like a rock star … a sex god. There are no limits. It's a "win-win" and then some.

    • Oh yes, and you and your lover will discover that any feedback is better than none at all.

      It also works really well to provide a positive or two with any negative feedback. But remember, it is the negative ones that tend to get remembered: so be exceedingly gently with those.

      Have fun! And thanks for leaving a comment.

  2. Jillian says:

    Perhaps playing with your partners fun bits, braiding their crotch hair, sticking googly eyes on it would be more fun. Taking pictures of it seems a bit Craigslist-y creepy.

    Better yet, just hold or cup the genitals of your partner when you’re together, but not having sex. warm reassuring, but not blatantly sexual.

  3. There are so many kinds of tea Jillian.

    And while your first paragraph of suggestions aren't my cup of tea, photographs isn't yours.

    But we can sure both agree on that holding, cupping and reassuring.

    Sometimes trying many different teas leads you to one beyond your wildest dreams.

    Thanks for you comment. Enjoy!

  4. Susan says:

    Thank you for this blog. Very helpful and pleasing on so many levels!

  5. Brian says:

    I’ve read your offering several times. I am enjoying your ‘hands on’ approach to the mystique of sexual relations.

    With each reading I become more curious and comfortable with the prospect of making novel suggestions regarding sex to the women I’m dating. I acknowledge you for having the ‘guts’ to write and offer such an invitation to experience

    one’s sexuality with a clear pragmatic approach. Many thanks!

  6. Kelly says:

    Hi Jerry,

    Thank you for your article. I notice that my partner is much more attentive than I in our lovemaking, and probably most things. 🙂 I know I would slip into the pattered approach if it were not for him. He amazes me and makes me feel so loved. I am often tired and worried about our teenagers possibly around. I rely on my partner to do a lot of the work. I once went to a “Goddess in the Bedroom” seminar 🙂 and the instructor told us women that we need to be initiators, communicators, pleasure seekers. I was angry to have to own up. 🙂 Maybe I could start the attentiveness in our public relations? Not wait for the midnight or 6am bedroom scenario? Maybe play with what interests me in the foreplay realm? Attend when I am awake? Blessings to you for your work, Jerry!

  7. Thank you Kelly,

    You have addressed so much here, and quite impressively.

    It seems that you love your partner very much and yourself somewhat less. This isn't uncommon, and it generates an imbalance. Notice your strengths too. He is with you because he is wild you you. I wonder why? What is it about you that makes you so interesting to him? And what is it about you that makes you interesting to you?

    I get that there is an undercurrent of you running yourself down. As you notice that it is likely to shift and you will lighten up.

    Thanks for you comment!

    • Kelly says:

      Thank you for your response, Jerry! Your comments are more helpful and inspiring to me than the whole Goddess in the Bedroom seminar. 🙂 Maybe I'll come to one of yours instead. 🙂

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