February 7, 2016

Let’s Get Intimate: I Don’t Like Men. {Adult Q&A}

Taz/ Flickr

Do you have questions about creating intimacy or developing mindful relationships? Confusing questions? Awkward ones? Deep, dark scary ones? I want them. Email your questions to: [email protected].

All relephant questions will be answered with loving kindness. (Yes. Every one.) Authors remain anonymous. 

 No judgments, just soulful answers.




Q. I just read your article about Saturn Return and how you realized you don’t like men. This is totally me right now.

I am currently deconstructing my life at age 29. I have been working on getting better at being alone after letting go of a deep love (I still think of him almost once a day). I am planning to go on a solo backpacking trip because that’s all I ever wanted to do with my life. I was waiting for someone to come with me and he hasn’t shown up yet, so off I go solo!

So, yes, I’m doing me! But I was wondering if you can say more about your healing process once you acknowledged that you don’t like men. I’ve known forever that I don’t like men and have been blessed to have only had relationships with those I consider to be extraordinary. I can’t handle typical sporty buffoons. I seek egalitarian hippie types who want a simple life and can communicate well, but unfortunately, I’ve also learned this type can lack the oomph of wanting a more active and adventurous life like I do.

I acknowledge my standards may be too constricting and that in general I don’t like typical males. Now after reading your response, I wonder: is my vibe warding off potential loves? Granted I’m not ready to have anything serious in the immediate future until I move to a stable home, but I’m still trying to remain open if love hits me while I travel. Is there more healing I can/should be doing?

A. Saturn Return is a rite of passage akin to Medieval torture. I don’t envy you.

But I can tell you that on the other end of it (around age 30), you will break free and feel more firmly on your path. Until then, I urge you to do, well, exactly as you are doing. Take care of yourself. Do what your heart guides you to do. By letting your instincts reign now, you will be in far better shape at the end of this emotionally trying time than if you fight the journey.

Saturn Return is a little bit like a two-year mercury retrograde. Crappy things happen that we can’t understand, communication goes haywire, the things that we relied upon are suddenly unpredictable… But if you know about mercury retrograde, you know that it’s the time to take stock, work on older projects, and relax. It’s exactly the same during Saturn Return, only the “older project” we work on is ourselves.

So, if we’re working on ourselves, where do men come in? Maybe they don’t. Yet.

It makes perfect sense that you do not like men so much right now, you’re too busy learning to listen to and love yourself. “Love yourself” may seem like a trite statement, and I’m sure you’ve read it on a thousand Facebook memes. But the process of creating self-love is a life-long journey. It begins by learning who you want to be around. You’ve said the “egalitarian hippie-types” are your predilection. I suggest you use this you-time to set the intention for the partner you wish to have.

More on that in a moment, but first I need to clarify something: I do love men. I mean that I love them in a fellow sentient being, interconnected, loving-kindness way. When it came to dating, however, I found (at that time of my life to which you refer) I did not like the men I was attracting. I found them brutish and dull. I realized that because of my general distrust and dislike of them, I was attracting the wrong men. That simple.

How did I get out of that rut? I changed my focus. I sent out the energy that I was ready for a mate who was up to my standards. I chose to be abstinent during this time, so that any man I dated knew I was serious about finding a life partner, not a bed buddy. (As a result, I had a lot of one-time dates, I can assure you!)

But eventually, I did meet someone.

Here’s a suggestion for how to manifest the love you want. (This is my own recipe; please tailor it to your own soul’s desires.)

Choose the right time. That can be Tuesday as far as I’m concerned. Personally, I like to do love and manifestation work on the full moon.

Prepare your intention. Get specific. I have done rituals where I asked for abundance and got an abundance of grief. So, be careful. Now, you don’t need to request specific hair color or height or career. In fact, I suggest you don’t go into the nitty gritty of personal details. Rather, get specific about what kind of man you want to meet. What would you like for a future? When would you be ready to have this encounter? I’d definitely add that you want him to be an equal partner  while also being adventuresome. That kind of thing.

Gather your sacred stuff. Sacred stuff for me is a white candle, sage, perhaps some clear water.

Create sacred space for your ritual. Ideally, be outdoors under the full moon. If you can’t do this, your bedroom is a good place. Somewhere symbolic that calls a lover to you.

Create sacred space within you. Meditate. Clear your mind as best you can. Feel the earth beneath you. Breathe in the life around you. Blend with it. This doesn’t have to take long. It could be just a few deep breaths.

Light the candle, then burn the sage. You may wish to call in the directions, beginning with the east. (iPhone has a compass app built in that will tell you where east is.) You may wish to call in the help of ancestors or compassionate helping spirits, power animals or spirit teachers.

Focus on your intention. Perhaps you wrote it down. If so, read your intention out loud. Or say it out loud as you think of it on the spot. If you chose to hold your intention in your heart, meditate on it silently but fully.

Bring that man to you. He is walking around somewhere on the planet right now. Amazing, right? Call him to you. Imagine that man stopping in his tracks, wherever he is: What was that? That was you sending out the call.

Give thanks. When you have completed your manifestation call, give thanks to the energies that have helped you. If you called in the directions, release them with gratitude.

I like to keep the candle burning somewhere safe until it naturally burns out. That’s up to you. If you blow it out, be sure to do so with gratitude as well.

So, remember that man I manifested? As it turned out, the relationship ended after several years. That’s life. So I tried again. This time, when I closed my eyes, rather than picturing the man I thought I wanted, I let my next partner’s image come to me. Immediately, I felt quite strongly that although this man was indeed walking around somewhere close by, he had been born in a foreign country. I also felt quite strongly that I would meet him very soon.

He was, I did, and we’re together.

That’s the lesson: keep working. On yourself, and—once you find your partner—on the love you have between you. No relationship worth having will be healthy without you building the bedrock of self beforehand. So for now, do your self-work. Use your Saturn Return to celebrate your rebirth as the woman you want to be.

Understand that your feelings about men are temporary. As you meet more evolved men on your journey (both literal and figurative), you will find a lot more about them to like. Even love.

Happy loving!



Author: Rachel Astarte

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Taz/Flickr


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