I never wanted to pay you a visit—
My dear Past, I only wanted to look forward,
But then I realized that I can never look forward, unless I look back.
So I looked back, but I wasn’t fond of what I saw.
I loathe you, and I loathe the version of myself who was a part of your days.
I hate the memories and the people who created them.
In other words, I hate you—and I still do.
I hate everything that has to do with you.
Sometimes I wish you never existed.
Yet—although I hate you, I am thankful for you.
Thank you for being so intense that I could hear your voice calling me.
And thank you for calling me, because I needed to replay the events in my head—to accept them and to let them go.
Thank you for making me see where I went wrong.
If I hadn’t, I couldn’t learn from my mistakes.
Mostly—thank you for the bad memories.
Thanks to them, I am now capable of knowing what I deserve.
I must be thankful to the people who created them as well, because it is those people who’ve made me stronger.
Dear Past, thank you for everything that has to do with you.
Thank you for existing.
It is your existence that has opened the gate to a brighter, more hopeful future.
Without you, there could have never been a present.
And if there’s anything I am grateful for, it’s my present moment now.
It is in this exact moment that I am learning how to forgive you and let you go.
And before learning to forgive you, I’ve learned to forgive myself, the one who has lived among your dismal days.
Dear Past, it is true that I hate you now, but I promise that I will love you one day.
One of these days, I will look back and chuckle.
I will love you to the extent of wishing you’d come visit me more often,
Because now I know that no auspicious future will be built without the destruction of your memories.
Dear past, I hate you now,
But thank you.
Author: Elyane Youssef
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina
Photo: Unsplash/Brooke Cagle