What Men Want from Women {but Rarely Ask For}.


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Morgan Sessions //Unsplash

You don’t have to search too hard on elephant journal  to find an article from a woman declaring to the world what she wants in a man.

Women, generally speaking, are quite aware of what they need in a relationship. While it means something different for every one of us, we could probably trace it back to safety and security in one form or another.

Men, on the other hand, don’t seem to be as clear on what it is they want or need in relationship. They often tell you what they like or don’t like but—ask them what they need from you and you’ll probably get a perplexed look, stone cold silence or my personal favourite, the “I don’t know.”

I’m learning not to expect men to communicate in the same way that I do, as a woman. I’m learning to have a deeper understanding for the differences between the way we’re wired. Sometimes I fail at it and get frustrated, other times I manage compassion and give myself an internal high five.

Relationships are a feeding ground for personal growth. If we take the time to observe them from a distance, observe our own reactions and actions within them, we have the opportunity to learn so much about ourselves.

I am currently sitting in the uncomfortable position of observing some of my own behaviour within relationship—and not everything I’m finding is pretty. I see more fear than I care to admit, less bravery–a greater capacity to shut my heart and walk away simply because it’s easier than fully showing up in the face of uncertainty.

As I talked these uncomfortable realisations out with my housemate this morning, she led me to this video.

Generally speaking I would ignore any video, article or leaflet professing to sell me the secrets of what men want. It stinks of salesy bulls*t. But I am hungry to understand more completely the way men operate. I am hungry to learn more about how we can communicate to build healthy partnerships where both genders respect, value and honour each other’s differences.

This video was enlightening.

Not just because it gave me insight into what men want from women and rarely ask for but because it reflected back to me that the very things I deeply fear to expose to men, are the very things they are most looking for in me. The very things that are unique to the feminine.

This was my first taste of John Wineland and I may have come away with a tiny crush. He was asked to present to a room full of powerful and successful women and wanted to offer something truly valuable to them. So he polled his extended community of men from the men’s groups he is part of asking them what they wanted, what they craved for from women.

Ladies, I hope you find it as illuminating as I did.

Gentlemen, feel free to comment below as to whether this is an accurate representation of your voice.



Finding Mr. or Mrs. Right later in Life—a Breathtaking Poem.


Author/Editor: Sarah Kolkka

Image: Morgan Sessions // Unsplash


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Trudi Ay Oct 14, 2017 2:42am

this was absolutely amazing and insightful.. thank you!!

Michelle Heather Sep 29, 2017 9:04pm

Totally agree. Fear is holding us all back, men and women, from who we are authentically are. Therefore how can we be truly loved if we are not showing our true selves.

Vee Lee Lee Sep 12, 2017 3:11pm

I'd go along to an event to listen to YOU Nicholas.

Aliya Parcs Sep 12, 2017 10:49am

Although I thought it was touching and enlightening, I had to chuckle when he said "we want less". My man also says he "asks" for little while I ask for too much (trust me, what I want in a relationship is pretty basic), but then here comes a compressed talk of nearly 10 minutes explaining what men want. What I hear is not actually any less than what most women want. It's just different and expressed much less. What he says seems legit and it's something women must be made aware of, yes, but it's more than what I can remember watching this video only once. Need to press replay now and take down some notes. Brb.

Dalles Hayes Sep 9, 2017 5:38am

Yes a very powerful video, I watched it firstly on my own and then with my wife and we both were nodding and somewhat shell shocked after wards. John Wineland's work is very powerful, I need to find someone similar in Australia.

Laura Leigh Fettig Aug 23, 2017 12:18am

Wow, just so insightful. Thank you.

Pina Mwiiyale Jul 20, 2017 5:43am


Tim Dibble May 28, 2017 10:06am

It is an interesting talk which shows some elements of the changing social dynamic. It defines the confusion of men to have lost control of their property, while they are reminded socially of the way things used to be. We don't know where the social dynamic of equality will go, how it will affect male/female relations. We have structure of thousands of years of patriarchy still showing up with mothers believing their male babies crawl farther than their female, despite measurements showing them to be the same. We have a society need for warriors and the brutish death dealing for which men have won great renown and fame, with celebration and idealism. Men have, in many cases a physical ability to take what they want, and historical precedent of might makes right. That comment does not say it is right. It is a dangerous fact yielding a little voice in the back of their collective male head saying "we will let these women play at equality, until it goes too far, then we will have to show them who is boss". Men and women continue to be socialized as different, and as long as that is present, deciphering whether there is a difference or not will be closed to analysis. It is a confusing and exciting time. It will lead to a changed future but there will be much destruction. Prince Charming ideals must die. Vaunted strapping warrior ideals must be allowed to wither. The classic man/woman/2.5 children fairytale must be seen as the stylized fable it is. Women and their preening, makeup and dress must die or advertising as we know it must change. Women must realize that men are socialized to become aroused and to desire sex from these images. You don't do business with someone that makes you horny. (And that goes both ways). At the same time there will be a countercurrent-Promise Keepers and their ilk cling vociferously to the patriarchal ways (which worked to develop a pretty strong society so they might have some good points). Many people simply want a role model, a guide, a goal, anything to provide definition to this crazy thing called life. Few are equipped to face the query into Why. So while some want to look into the male/female dynamic, too many just want life to be exactly what the see, read or hear. When the model was biblical, we had a social result, now that the model is Jerry Springer, we begin to see what that brings. The journey will be tough and I hope we are caring enough to avoid the violence which may occur. Mankind is incredibly good at killing things they don't understand or feel threatened by

Jakubowska Klaudia May 4, 2017 6:07pm

Sarah Kolkka Hi Sarah, this video if quiet hard for me to understand because of my not good understanding english by hearing. Is it possible to find a text from this video? I will be such a greatfull, its very important for me now.

Daniel Whittaker Apr 21, 2017 6:10pm

Train?? Um... No. You do not train your man or woman. This is a disgusting display of another man who wants to be people pleasing! A human being, man or woman, should not do this as this is unhealthy relating!

Daniel Whittaker Apr 21, 2017 6:01pm

Bingo! Another video directed towards gender blaming! Just be yourself.

Eleanor Jamison Apr 2, 2017 12:57am

Thank you. You said all I was thinking ! Perfect �

Kevin Haggerty Mar 20, 2017 11:19pm

"Make me comfortable enough and I will care about you." That's the problem. Men need to stop expecting women to make us comfortable. Men need to care despite feeling uncomfortable. Men need to find the reason to care in ourselves. Until we do, we will continue to ask women to do our emotional labor for us. To appease us. We will continue to demand that they give us mothering, with their only compensation being that we won't be assholes. "Sorry, about the last few thousand years, ladies. Now, here's what you can do to make me want you." "Give me what I want in bed and I won't betray you (much)." There's just too much of an oppressive subtext to everything he's saying in the video for me to like any of it.

Janine Harrison Mar 20, 2017 10:59pm

Oh my word, the world needs more men like you!

Jody Beinke Mar 20, 2017 8:16am

I see that men have simple needs however the surrender thing can be a big ask �

Joshua A Eaves Mar 20, 2017 7:23am

Beautiful and accurate

Belinda J Braidie Mar 20, 2017 4:42am

I loved reading what Eric Erslev wrote on here! Ditch the video and read Eric Erslev's post ladies ;) You truly are a beautiful soul dear sir :)

Carol Thomas Mar 20, 2017 4:06am

I did that... I gave ALL that... & yet, I was repeatedly betrayed... then thrown away by the man I loved with my whole being. 35 years of faithful devotion to him & my biggest mistake was trusting him. My repeated forgiveness he gave him "permission" to continue; I know now that I enabled him to use & abuse me. I still struggle with the pain of his life-long betrayal, while he actually believes he'd done nothing wrong. In my experience, truly giving a man everything only allows him to control me.

Cal Waite Jan 27, 2017 7:52pm

Pretty much agree with all of this except the "train us" part. Speaking for myself, I don't need to "be trained!" I don't need nor want to feel like I'm your student (my woman is a psychology professor who has taught 44 years, and it's difficult for her to leave the "teacher/student" mode sometimes). My favorite part (paraphrasing): Don't use the skills (methods? style? Can't remember exactly what he said!) you use to be a success at work to have a successful relationship...they are two different things. Oh how this hit home for me...right on the money as far as I'm concerned.

Judith Un - Van der Toorn Jan 27, 2017 5:49am

I have never gotten the "simple" part. What does being simple mean?

Alexa Mira Jan 26, 2017 5:52pm

I thank you, John, for this powerful and honest talk. You made yourself vulnerable in front of an audience of women. All you said resonated with me. I see that some of your statements can directly trigger some women, especially when everything you mention is put in a context of inauthenticity or doing all these things just to please a guy. And I sense that this is not where you are coming from. Between the lines I heard that you refered to a genuine woman. And for a woman to demonstrate it genuinely, she would need to be willing to be open and transparent with her man, and for a man to be open and transparent with his woman, so that no incompletions create any distance between the two and therefore a natural mutual service to each other can be established. Thank you very much.�

Mark Brown Jan 26, 2017 1:07am

Couldn't listen to his drivle after the surrender nonsense. It's pretty simple really. Men are idiots. We really are. We are just like you in that we will like certain things more than others, sometimes those things will change. What should happen is both people should express in feelings and positive emotion while reading the other persons feelings and emotions as well as what is said, Both people would try and find a balance they were both happy with. But here is the kicker ladies we, as in we men, are idiots. Generally we suck at showing emtion properly and can't read it for all the tea leaves in china. What we want from you is simple as I said, what we really really want is for you to help us find that balance is both our lives. And by help us, I mean figure out a way to find out what whatever it is that needs to be expressed and how to encourage it without us catching on.. ;) But although we are pretty crap at reading womens emotions we're thousands of times worse at showing them- too little, too much,too intense, too late, too soon, not intense enough, generarlly bollocking the whole thing up, getting it wrong and not realising the other person is reacting differently because of that and it's turtles all the way down at that point...

Lynne Doherty Jan 25, 2017 2:48pm

He's very good at what he's doing here. DONT FALL FOR IT. Surrender? Seriously?

Karla Bramley Jan 24, 2017 9:21pm


Raelene Hanlon-Hill Jan 24, 2017 8:33am

Thank you for this! It really resonated with me. I can understand the upset of some women but I appreciate this honest depiction of a mans needs. "We have every right to be angry" but as one half of a couple I also feel that is important that both sexes have a right to openly express themselves. I would not want to be condemned for expressing my needs.

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Sarah Kolkka

Sarah Kolkka woke up one day and realized that the only thing that was standing in the way of her dream of being a writer was actually writing anything. Since then she has been voraciously writing about all the nonsense that captures her attention and crowds the space in her head.  She is fascinated by the magic of life and how it can either make or break the humans who experience it. This is often the subject of her musings. She currently resides on the Gold Coast in Australia where she masquerades as a normal human being (sometimes at least).