September 16, 2016

An Open Letter to the Man who Asked me how to Find a Real Girl.


When you asked me that question, I was taken aback.

You had a real girl standing right in front of you. I couldn’t understand why you didn’t see that.

I liked you, but clearly I wasn’t the real you were seeking so, I half-a**ed my answer. I put it in simple terms. If you’re authentic with people even if they don’t like what you have to say, they will still respect you because you’ve had the courage to be more real than most.

As time has passed this question that you asked me that night still haunts me. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to give you the answer you truly deserve.

Here it is.

What does real even mean to you? What’s real to me may not be real to you. Real is a subjective word. Our world views and perspectives determine what is real to each of us.

In my world, a real person is someone who is authentic. Someone who is aware of their imperfections and embraces them. Someone who is not afraid to be vulnerable with themselves or anyone else. Someone who is not afraid to take responsibility for their actions.

If you define it similarly to me then you must not be afraid to be a real person. But as you stand today you seem afraid to me. You hide behind a facade. You only show the world a little slice of who you really are. You walk around with a dark cloud over your head.

So how do you find a real girl?

Heal yourself. Be honest with yourself.

In a way, I failed you as a friend. When we first started getting close I think I made being real and vulnerable look too easy. What I couldn’t have explained to you at the time was the emotional turmoil I had experienced to get to that point.

For as long as I can remember I was terrified to be real with people. I was afraid of their judgements of my dirty laundry. But it turned out to be the opposite. Beautiful things came from being real with others. But in order to get there, I had to heal myself.

What you didn’t see were the days when I locked myself in my room overcome by depression, feelings of helplessness, and a lack of self-worth. While I’ve come a long way, I still have a lot of work to do. Life tends to go in cycles. It’s a series of ups and downs.

Through my grief I eventually started showing you my weaker sides. Unfortunately, I began to spin back downward into a state of depression and craziness. I regressed. I started becoming someone who I thought I had left behind a long time ago. I was wrong. But that’s me. It’s part of who I am. I can not possibly be on my A-game all the time.

That’s real.

This real part of me made you uncomfortable. But let’s be honest here, you battle just as many demons as I do, as we all do. The fact that I could be open about mine intimidated you because you couldn’t be the same way with yours. I could be wrong, but I think you see showing anything less than perfection as weakness.

You said it: “I need to stop going for the hot girls.” Stop looking at the superficial things not only in potential romantic partners, but within yourself.

Real begins within you. It’s something that is intuitive. Ask yourself the important questions. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Am I engaging in self-destructive behaviors? How do the relationships I have with my parents affect my life? Am I self-limiting? Do I look at the glass as half empty or half full? Do I even know what real love looks like? Can I look myself in the mirror and tell myself I love myself wholeheartedly?

You and I both know that behind your rough exterior, there is a beautiful soul just waiting to shine. What kills me the most is when I look into your eyes and can see the pain you live with. Sometimes I just want to shake you and tell you that you don’t have to see the world through such tough lenses. But in order for everything to be okay, you must first accept your flaws and shortcomings. Your flaws are what make you a unique and amazing person.

Maybe I should clarify a bit. I’m not saying that you have to be perfectly healed to be in a relationship. Relationships, in my opinion, are not about two perfect people coming together for mutual completeness but rather two individuals coming together for mutual growth. Understanding yourself and having authentic conversations are both keys to experiencing this kind of growth in a romantic relationship.

Once you can become your authentic self, start healing and accept yourself for who you are. Then, you’ll be able to find your real girl.

Just know you’ll never find a perfect girl. You’ll find a girl who is perfectly imperfect. Whose flaws you won’t view as weaknesses, but as strengths. Flaws you will think are so damn beautiful you’ll forget their even there. That’s real.

Your journey to find a real girl, my friend, begins with you. It begins with being real, not just with other people but more importantly, with yourself. This will allow you to find the deep connection with a woman which you are craving.

I love you and I can’t wait for you to find your real girl.


Author: Katie Rose

Image: Jakob Owens/ Unsplash

Editor: Khara-Jade Warren

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