October 24, 2016

Why it’s Okay we Won’t ever have Sex.


I recently met a world-class cuddler.

While we won’t be getting married, and likely will never have sex, when it comes to cuddling we fit.

There is nothing like cuddling to fill a heart with joy and lay the foundation for a friendly universe.

Too many people rush into sex—or view cuddling as a means to an end. To these people I say, “Slow down, cuddle up, and enjoy the skin to skin, body to body experience of the best contact sport in the world.”

First surprise cuddle

She stood, pulling on her coat…it had been a deep, constructive hour of give and take coaching. Lots of laughter, and warm company. We embraced, which is when something went wonderfully wrong.

She wrapped her arms around me, locking her hands and pulling herself so close the fiery energy of intimacy streaked down my spine. But then she didn’t/wouldn’t let go.

As our hug reached a minute we settled in—on new ground, in new arms, in a new world in which it was not only okay, but desirable for two unfamiliar bodies to abolish boundaries, share energy and pleasure.

By two minutes this was a conspiracy of physicality. We settled in; at three or four minutes it became ever more obvious we were where we belonged and time disappeared.

This hug couldn’t happen—and when what can’t happen does—our world gets bigger, often better, and always fascinating.

Comparing notes later, our experiences were shockingly similar. Our minds quieted, bodies became one and we freely shared internal sensations: I could feel her heart beat, warmth moving from my chest to hers and our feet jointly planted, leaning into each other as though we were falling together.

Ten minutes later we were one warm lump of human sensation, inseparable.

This oasis was unexpected in The Great American Kinesthetic Desert. Don’t touch and certainly never linger—these are the rules of engagement.

It was unearned too. Perhaps our bodies are waiting patiently to melt into each other, while our minds date, make small talk and weather the turbulence of awkward moments leading up to a first kiss, or sex.

With the disappearance of personal protocol, time, space and personal borders vanished. Permission was tacit.

Pulling ourselves apart wasn’t difficult, our embrace was complete. She turned and walked away, not a word, a glance or perhaps even a thought. We were armed with the fulness of well-being, cozy connection and ready for the events of that afternoon.

Second cuddle

The thought of another meeting didn’t occur until late that evening.

“I’m free tomorrow.”

“10:00 at my place?”


We basked until then. Feeling our sensation batteries charged. The phone rang, I buzzed her up, a quiet knock at the door…here we were again.

Three hours, millions of lovely moments, confirmed that we fit. Our first kiss lingered for many minutes. We explored each other’s bodies while effortlessly staying clear of erogenous zones—sort of. Sort of, in that the way she lay next to me offered every part of herself freely. This was full-tilt cuddling, not one of those monitored/metered hugs so common in our culture. When she lay on top of me I was submerged in her, surrounded on all sides.

Sex, it appears, often rises out of incomplete, even awkward touching. It is an attempt to solve a lack of intimacy. This wasn’t like that. This wan’t going somewhere, we were already there. It wasn’t foreplay, it was just play of the most intimate kind.

The uniqueness of this encounter reeks of what’s possible. Perhaps it’s what we all deserve. If this sort of connection were common place, world peace would be closer, stress lessened and personal enjoyment the rule rather than the exception.

We were sexually satisfied without having sex. We didn’t need to jump through hoops, or plan our future together. Sure, I didn’t want her to go—I wanted this to go on forever—but at the same time we both now live in a world in which this instant connection is possible.

Third cuddle

But not just possible: it happened. I saw her once more before I flew home. It was evening, drizzling and a bit later the sky opened and flooded the streets. We giggled, holding each other soaking wet. Our parting kiss was movie perfect, punctuating our best cuddle yet.

Keep your eyes open, there may be someone around ripe for cuddling. It may not be someone you wish to marry or spend your life with, it may not be a splendid conversationalist, or even someone you find attractive. But it could be someone just right for just now to offer two bodies exactly what they need.

I’m on the plane homeward bound. When we land it occurs to me to give the big fella in front of me 20 bucks for not putting his seat back. The couple to my left is adorable. In fact, my whole view of the world has changed. It’s spinning out love in a friendly universe. The skies too are friendly again.

Occasionally, if you can, don’t overestimate the importance of sex and never underestimate the power of cuddling. Not everyone will cuddle like we did, but, with practice, everyone can cuddle a little more often, maybe a little longer and even a little better than they currently do.





Author: Jerry Stocking

Image: No Strings Attached—movie still

Editor: Travis May

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