Growing up in a patriarchal society that is obsessed with sexualizing and policing my body has always been a struggle for me.
I’ve been called fat since I could walk, during my teen years I struggled with bulimia and I literally thought about killing myself more times than I care to remember. Things were rough, despite being raised by two supportive and loving parents; the impact that the words and judgements of other people had on me was just too much.
When I was 19, I got pregnant with my son. Feeling him grow in my belly started off a beautiful journey of mindfulness and awareness. I realized that my thoughts and feelings about myself and my body had to change, I learned how to cultivate inner happiness, to make efforts toward self-care and foster self-love because I wanted to be at my best by the time he would arrive, not only for myself but also for him.
Thankfully, I am finally feeling like I have come into my own, like the purpose of my entire existence isn’t about satisfying someone else’s ideas of how I should act, how much I should weigh, how I should tone down my entire personality in order to “find a good man” or be accepted.
I’ve realized that none of those preconceived notions about me truly matter, because I accept myself, I accept that I speak loudly and laugh passionately, I accept that I’ve got a bit of a pot belly, that my feet are cracked and calloused, that I’ve got saggy mom boobs, that my edges aren’t always perfectly right, that I birthed a beautiful boy outside of wedlock, that I wear granny panties, I accept everything about myself.
This poem is about my journey toward self-love. It is about setting myself free from judgement and allowing the powerful force of love to water me down and wash me clean of all the insecurities that society has burdened on me.
It is for and about all of us who feel dry and destitute, but knowing that we serve our own meaningful purpose, like the desert. Or feeling unwanted like the rain, yet flowing down our own stream or being treated like dirt but holding onto the roots of the flowers that grow from within us.
This is a poem about self-love, hope and happiness—and what the wondrous forces of nature, such as the miracle of child-bearing or pouring rain, in a time of drought can teach us.
Love in a Time of Drought.
Give yourself the freedom to learn, to love, to grow, to know.
Better when people tell you that you aren’t good enough.
“Too fat, too tall, too gay, too feminine.” They say
“too short, too masculine, too skinny, too loud.”
Stop and choose to look within yourself;
For a glance in the mirror to reveal the truth:
Reflections of love staring back at you, through your own eyes.
Allow yourself to forget the lies and realize the god within yourself.
Master of your universe, made in god’s image,
Clothe yourself in more than just jewels and gold,
But in the knowing that you are wholly your own,
Slowly learning to un-learn the self-hate.
You sit in stillness daily;
Making yoga moves;
Redefining all the rules
So that the healing of your soul becomes the ultimate life goal!
Freeing yourself from a shrunken, hidden and melancholy soul.
For the rain fell and you see that the sky went pale, just for you.
The clouds impregnated by the heat radiating from your dimmed glow,
Who gave birth to the rain sent down from the heavens to kiss and caress a heart broken.
Placed in the hands of a world filled with f*ck boys
and girls who parade down “hell is life'” lane
and magazines that body shame
and news channels that only spread hate.
Pause! And choose to listen to the rain as it washes always all your pain, flowing down your window pane.
Bringing with it love that flows into rivers,
Reborn into the seas,
who will no doubt rise again, just as you do every morning
Cloaked in freedom, beauty, truth and love.
Love that abides by and defies gravity simultaneously,
Love that falls for you like the rain,
Love that not only rises but also shines for you like the sun.
Love that never forgets to acknowledge or wave at your majestic presence like the sea.
Love that bows before you and kisses your feet like the soil.
Love that blooms at your touch,
Like the flowers awaiting and awakening to your bloom
As you enlighten to your true nature in the knowing that
the love that you’ve longed and thirsted for has returned to your desert being
Just like rain in a time of drought.
Author: Banshee Beauty Boois
Image: wudaokou / Deviantart
Editor: Sara Kärpänen