“The cost of not following your heart, is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.” ~ J. Paulsen
Though the world may spin and collapse in your absence—I will never regret loving you.
There were days when I had chased this love away as the sun tries with the dark and treacherous storm clouds, yet part of my journey was realizing that I needed the time in the rain to truly appreciate the beauty of growth that it could bring into my life.
I didn’t want to love you, but even that was a lesson that I continually pricked my finger upon, until I finally gave in, because fighting it just took too much effort.
This life is made up of a million moments—some we wish could last forever, and others we close our eyes trying to erase the memories, but each one with you is one I know that I will hold onto forever.
I don’t know if I have the words to describe all that has transpired between us, but I do know that I don’t regret a single second. You were always exactly what I needed to experience in that moment, whether it was tears, or the way your lips felt against my collarbone as you broke through my walls to the heart that awaited you on the other side.
You were what I needed to experience.
Of course there was a part of me always hoping for a different ending. One where I would find you steady and sure against my side on the darkest of nights and whispering with me under the soft light of the moon—but I know better than to try to force my own agenda against what is meant to be.
And so, I always let you go. I let you go softly, and with bitterness. I’ve let you go with tears and with smiles, and I’ve let you go in a thousand and one ways that only someone who truly loves you can.
The thing is, even after the many times I let you go—you always returned. It didn’t matter if it was to my bed, my lips or even just by my side as a friend…you kept coming back.
And this simple act is what truly broke my heart, because I never knew what it felt like to have someone not leave—but even I know that sometimes it still doesn’t mean the love is meant to stay.
I don’t know what the divine purpose is for each of us, or why we have come into each others lives. However, I do know that we have woken each other up in a million ways no one else could, and I know that we have made each other better—but even now, after everything, the work doesn’t feel done.
It still feels like there is a purpose yet to be manifested or worked through.
But even knowing that, I still don’t know what it means or even what that would look like. All I know is that no one else has been to me what you have—and maybe it was only when I realized that it could disappear that I could truly understand what you are to me.
Maybe I don’t know each and everything you do—but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know your soul.
At times when we are together, it seems like our souls are old friends, and maybe that’s why we’ve always seemed to be able to pick up wherever we paused without missing a beat. In reality, I could try to put this a number of convoluted ways, but the simple truth is—I understand your soul.
I can’t say that I’ve felt that with many people—or, if I’m even more honest, I can’t say that I’ve ever said that to anyone else, but with you it seems the simplest explanation. It’s that reason I have always been here for you.
I am always here.
Not as a doormat, or someone who is a glutton for pain, or even someone who needs to work through numerous lessons before finally moving on—I’m simply here because I’m meant to be.
I understand a part of you that you haven’t ever truly bared, and I accept those parts that you keep locked in darkness because there’s something about your shadows my own knows how to dance with.
Maybe our demons aren’t so different after all—we just call them by different names.
Whatever the specifics, I guess it just comes down to the fact that I see you.
Not the person that you have tried to be, or the one that feels defeated, but who you truly are underneath it all—and there isn’t anything else but beauty about that part of you. It’s whole and strong, and quite possibly one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever experienced.
So I’ve accepted, and understood, and been a constant even when others fall away. But with all of that, I suppose some loves just aren’t meant to be—or aren’t meant to exist together.
I know that we are meant to be a part of each other’s lives, because even with all of this time, we haven’t come close to growing apart—if anything, we’ve only grown closer.
I love you.
I used to say that I didn’t know for how long that would be, and that maybe one day I would disappear from your life altogether, but even if the purpose of all of this was never to find a state of togetherness that fit for us—I don’t think that I’ll ever stop loving you.
Because the reality is—if I haven’t by now, maybe I’m not meant to.
I respect you and your journey too much to ever wish you anything but happiness and love—even if that means it’s in the arms of another woman.
Because I’ve realized, no matter what happens, what’s said or whose bed you fall asleep in—nothing in me will ever regret loving you.
“You and I will always be unfinished business.” ~ The Notebook
Author: Kate Rose
Image: Instagram @twinflames_lovers
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina