I spent so many years keeping it all together.
I tried my best, but it seemed like no matter how hard I tried there was always someone one step ahead.
I kept waiting for my big break to come and when it didn’t, I got so frustrated. But then my glass house came crashing down on itself and I nearly drowned in a tsunami of sadness. Nearly.
You might not know this about me, but I’ve struggled with depression for my entire life. It comes in waves and phases.
There were secrets I carried that I never thought I’d tell anyone. There were things that were done to me that I never thought I’d be able to forgive. But in the fake land of perfect stories there is no pain, only clear absolutes, and everything makes sense.
But that world isn’t real and you won’t really know who you are until everything falls apart.
It’s when the veneer falls away, when all the right words escape you, when your sense of self is on the line, that’s when you come face-to-face with who you are. Action. Reaction. So powerful it has its own inertia driven by patterning so deep you can almost feel the giant gears shifting in your soul.
You get to choose what kind of person you are, what values your actions stand for, what your intention is. The act of choosing is a test, as though the person you are is revealed by which path you chose to follow.
You either choose to walk away from the grand mirror of life and love yourself and your world. Or you can let bitterness, anger, resentment and depression take control.
Life is not black and white. Life is a thousand colors that each have a voice. You get to decide which ones you listen to. But you don’t get to organize it all into neat little boxes that make sense. That’s not why you’re here.
You’re here, in this body, on the planet, to learn to love the multi-layered, multi-dimensional experience of being alive.
Author: Kino MacGregor
Image: Author’s own
Editor: Katarina Tavčar
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