How to Disentangle ourselves from Karmic Relationships that Drive us Crazy.


We’ve all been subject to at least one relationship that’s threatened our personal power.

We may have become so entrenched in it, we could no longer speak up or stand up for ourselves.

Sadly, when this friend, lover or family member invited us into their wacky world, we went willingly—and then we stayed.

Unaware, we left ourselves unprotected and were subject to a twisted reality, which we began to co-enable and co-create with our intense friend.

When I say “intense,” I’m referring to the self-centered, dramatic people in our lives who expect us to give to them in ways they don’t even give to themselves.

These relationships appear unhinged and karmic because the dynamics are eons away from being mutually honest and transparent. It almost seems the other person is playing a game with our hearts and minds, so we no longer see ourselves or the relationships clearly.

Who am I talking about?

The folks who regularly chip away at our truth, time, self-esteem and emotional well-being. Instead of lovingly lifting us up, in most instances, they maneuver to advance their position at our peril. They hold our heads slightly beneath the water’s surface so we can’t speak or breathe. This disrespectful treatmentfurther compounds the dynamic, as well as our misery.

We are naturally attracted to egoistic spectacles. For centuries, we’ve loved melodrama in our celebrities and long-enabled it in our families. Meanwhile, many of us actively sought it out in friendships, romance and business. Somehow we were eternally attracted to relationships with kooky, intense people.

Since we naturally seek out what is familiar, we were responsible when kooky histrionics showed up in our lives and moved in. Fortunately, we can kick them out at any time.

Sensational melodrama can be fun for a while, as it often invites fascinating circumstances. While it usually requires that we endure discomfort and disruption, all the madness usually comes with gifts and surprises too, like 5-star adventures, refreshing spontaneity and hourly oral sex. How do we put a stop to something that sometimes balances out to awesome? More importantly, why would we want to?

Although there is measure of value upon our dance with mania, the problems begins when it is at the helm; we don’t realize just how much the other parts of our souls and lives have been delayed and detoured. As we gaze at the world wearing kooky-colored glasses, we have limited awareness of just how f*cked up the rest of our commitments and relationships have become.

Craziness and melodrama are drugs akin to sugar, cocaine and greed. They’re addictive, dangerous and misleading. We might think we’re enjoying a relationship with a phenomenon, but just like any activity that subverts our value, copulating with Ms. Kooky or Mr. Crazy-pants is nothing but self-sacrificial.

Our introduction to egocentricity often comes from our siblings, parents and family circumstances. Unknowingly, we often recreate situations related to our upbringing. But just because we were born into madness doesn’t mean we have to stay there.

It’s okay to have a little crazy-intelligence in the house, but if the dynamics continually create roller-coasters, it might be time to ask, “What the f*ck am I doing here?” and “What am I getting out of this?”

When crazy-intelligence is healthy, it pushes us to think outside the box, inspires us to plan wonderful events and helps us come up with mind-blowing ideas. When crazy-intelligence is our friend, it builds bridges, enhances our lives and improves our self-worth. But if untenable craziness dominates, it’s nothing more than a beautifully-decorated weapon designed to bring us down.

Weaning off of melodrama can be a nightmare. It requires being honest about what we want and what truly makes us happy. It requires a great deal of self-reflection and letting go.

The process of absolving ourselves from someone else’s egocentricity and melodrama will bring up anger, sadness, guilt and shame. If we’re successful, it’ll also inspire tough-minded confrontations with the person and our ability to make proactive changes and stick to them.

When we’ve enrolled ourselves in someone else’s chaos, we lose touch with what brings us peace. In the midst of mayhem, we forget how to nurture our hearts and defend our life-vision.

If you’ve been eating at the kooky, karma table and desire a rebirth, follow this plan:

1. Make note of the things you’ve learned from all the drama: the good, the bad and the super f*cked-up. Celebrate the lessons and be grateful.

2. Make a list of the wonderful things and people in your life, then fill your schedule with them.

3. Before you add something new to your life, ask yourself, “Will this person or event enhance my happiness, awareness and life-conditions or will it detract from them?”

4. Say goodbye to egocentricity and imbalance, either in-person, phone, text or via a loving friend who’s willing to take a bullet for you. It can be a sentence, book, video or one-person play. Just get ‘er done.

5. Never look back. Ever.

If we enjoy the unpredictable drama in our lives and can use it for our own evolution, then maybe we’ve mastered it. For the rest of us, saying goodbye to Ms. Kooky or Mr. Crazy-pants is the moment when our lives begin.


Author: Paul Wagner

Image: Audrey ReidWikipedia

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

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Jennifer Evangelista Jan 23, 2017 9:23pm

Jillian Whitworth Thank you trying. It's complicated. I'm stuck while having clarity? No one would believe me if they heard the details so I've learned to stand down for the most part. Thank you though. This contact helps. I'm isolated

Jillian Whitworth Jan 23, 2017 4:11pm

I so feel that. loss of control like my own words, feelings.. my whole being-- doesn't even freaking matter. i hope ur situation changes and brings u a little hope back.

Paul Wagner Jan 19, 2017 7:18am

Thanks Cyndi Powers Bulka for your question: "Any advice of how to harness that (crazy) energy and not reignite old habits of the mind?" People who have mastered transcending this reality via benign playful and outrageous behavior have a leg up on the rest of us. They live their lives open, creative, unattached and un-enrolled. That's real freedom. I love those moments when they emerge. I'm not sure harnessing creative craziness (from another) is possible. It's more of a ride atop an electric current. If we can handle the ride and maintain our equilibrium or sense of Self, we will have experienced something special. I'm also not sure harnessing would bring any benefit. It presupposes struggle and restraint, which are antithetical to what the universe and our true nature desires for us. I think we know when we are stepping into a crazy that's not good for us. Our hearts and bodies usually give us a heads-up. If we haven't truly healed the insanity within us, we'll find a way to hop back on the crazy train. It's our own triple-nested melodrama and egocentricity that invites mischief that eventually unwinds our enjoyable, temporary lives.

Cyndi Powers Bulka Jan 18, 2017 7:09pm

Nice job, Paul. Thank you. Having done the tango with my share of the kooky crazy folks, and grown bone tired of the residues those relationships left behind, I decided a few years ago that I was wiling to do whatever it took to eradicate my attachment to drama in my intimate relationships and friendships. I'm a pretty grounded gal, and have been pretty consistently dedicated to my self care and spiritual growth. Yet I was repeatedly attracted to men who inevitably left me feeling exasperated and exhausted and feeling down on myself. I always had a few friends who lived crazy lives and called on me when chaos ensued. I understood on an intellectual level that this was ridiculous yet I kept the crazy car running. Until I realized that what I needed to get to the bottom of this was to take a year and be alone. Give up alcohol and anything else that clouded my perception. To Be still and say no to those events that predictably involved crazy people and a lot of drinking. I learned to be happy with my own company. I realized I got something out of rescuing others in turmoil. So I learned to gratify my need to be the consoling hero for wounded souls by nourishing myself through more yoga, meditation, writing and therapy. It's been just a month or so since I've decided to become social again. It feels like a whole new ballgame. I lost some so called friends, but my friends who aren't so crazy became better friends. I became a best friend to me. I found forgiveness in my heart instead of anger and blame. Both for others and for my own poor decisions too. I'm not at the place where I feel I can select 'positive drama' yet. I get what you're talking about enjoying unpredictable drama and growing in it. I think that energy could feed creativity. Any advice of how to harness that energy and not reignite old habits of the mind?

Paul Wagner Jan 12, 2017 9:43am

Thank you Jennifer for this thoughtful set of questions. I'm sorry you're in a bit of a struggle. I can relate on many levels. Relationships only change when at least one person is fully resolved to make a change. Changes can be subtle or drastic, behavioral or environmental. Someone becomes resolved when they have already embodied the change in heart and mind. When we set boundaries with someone and they do not honor those boundaries, there are a variety of ways to enable more stringent restrictions. I don't fully understand your situation but my sense is that both of you are still deeply drawn to being together. There might be self esteem, identity and separation challenges here. If we are feeling tied in a way that's painful, it might be helpful to realize that it's okay to love someone and never see them again. To help facilitate comfort around starting a new life or redefining it, it may require developing other relationships and activities outside the relationship. I'm sorry if this relationship is challenging. My heart goes out to you. If you'd like to schedule a relationship session, you can book or communicate further via PaulWagner.com.

Jennifer Evangelista Jan 11, 2017 7:58pm

Thank you for this. What if Mr Kooky won't say goodbye to Ms Crazy Pants in spite of her taking responsibility for her craziness, expressing that she doesn't want to be a negative force in his life, giving up on any prior expectations for him to take Real responsibility and sadly accepting that letting go is the most realistic solution in spite of existing love? What if Ms Crazy Pants' attempts fail and she avoids because for too long the ultimate result is a fireworks of drama that she refuses to get drawn into? Doesn't a person at some point get the idea of what may not be making him happy (or her) is more important than maintaining a public image beneath relationship titles? What does one do when "no" isn't accepted, heard or respected in any facet? Thank you for this article. I agree with all within. Just at a loss as to how it can be implemented in my situation. Thank you

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Paul Wagner

Paul Wagner is a five-time EMMY® Award Winning writer/actor/producer, author of The Field Guide to Human Personalities, The Personality Cards and Pocket People, co-author of Pocket Love, and creator of the wildly successful PersonalityApp.com—all found on his website.

Paul has performed for millions of people on television and has created over 2500 custom stage shows and workshops for corporations and organizations around the world. Paul’s retreats and intuitive personality readings are fun and deeply inspiring. Get a free personality reading on Paul’s app at PersonalityApp.com.

Paul is also the CEO of CreativeLab.TV, a web and mobile tech-entertainment company based in Boulder, Colorado. Clients include startups to Fortune 500 companies. He has raised over $4M for tech and entertainment ventures, including putting the global phenomenon Will Ferrell’s FunnyOrDie.com on iTunes.

You can connect with Paul on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.