The other day I posted this on my Instagram account.
Texts, emails, messages and calls poured in from people I know, and people I don’t.
All the words carried the same message: me too, I see you.
There is beauty in sharing the darkest parts of ourselves.
“Things we don’t talk about on social media:
Today getting out of bed seemed like the most insurmountable task. I became so overwhelmed when packing my bag to go work at my favourite coffee shop that I physically couldn’t leave my house. I used to deal with daily anxiety and had periods in my life where I tiptoed around the doorway of depression. I have done a lot of “the work”—I have sat down with the darkest corners of my brain, pulled the rug up that was covering childhood hurt in my heart and have spent over five years just trying to get on the same team as my body through movement, meditation, self care. I went from self destructive to self serving. Ninety-nine days out of one hundred are days I feel at home in my skin, my heart, my life. I am confident with my ability to create a life that I love. I’ll tell you of the place I will live, the trips I will take, the art I will give birth to. I am not afraid.
Today, and yesterday, I have been afraid. My aspirations seem far enough to be on another planet. Everything about my dreams makes me want to puke. My body pisses me off. I want my heart to close up shop and to stop loving.
I know now that this most often shows up when I am about to enter a time of change. My heart and gut make a decision. My brain lives in ignorant bliss until the clock ticks near. And then? My brain freaks the f*ck out. I get horribly anxious. I justify why I should stay where it’s comfortable, safe, dull. I get scared to share anything and I feel deeply insecure about voicing this fear to anyone close to me.
Anxiety shows up to keep us playing small. Anxiety shows up because change, and therefore risk, is the scariest f*cking thing to our brains. The payoff of anxiety is never risking. We get to stand at the edge of the cliff, trembling in fear, and slowly slowly take a step backwards, and walk away. We never learn the beauty of freefall. And sometimes—what we fear most is what we are most meant to do.
Today’s mantra: be afraid and do it anyway.”
Author: Annabelle Blythe
Image: Author’s own
Editor: Khara-Jade Warren