A Relationship will only be as Good as the Sex.


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“You can ravish your woman so deeply that her surrender breaks your heart into light.” ~ David Deida


A relationship will only be as good as the sex.

We can make a list about what brings and keeps two people together. We can talk about compatibility and shared ambitions and goals, but if a certain sexual chemistry isn’t there, nothing in the world can make up for it.

There is a reason why sex is important for couples. With physical connection, we are able to gain greater insight to our subconscious connection.

We all experience intimacy differently, but we all crave relationships that cater to our current mental, spiritual and emotional states. This craving for intimacy binds us together.

Regardless of religious beliefs, there is no ignoring the cultural and historical importance of sex between lovers. It’s used to consummate a marriage, achieve spiritual ascension or even open the third eye through kundalini awakening.

Sex is the vehicle for our love.

So, what happens when the sex just isn’t great?

The first thing we have to do is get real with ourselves; we have be honest about why the sex isn’t measuring up. Are we mentally or emotionally disconnected from our lover? Is there a lack of total trust? Are insecurities, from one or both of us, inhibiting our openness to the experience? Have we submitted to roles within the relationship yet?

All of these questions are necessary for discovering why the sex isn’t measuring up, and what this means for the relationship.

I believe that the best sex and the best relationships are one and the same. Amazing sex—soul dipping, erotic, eye-gazing, toe-curling sex—can’t be had with someone we only lust after. This type of sex can only happen when we have submitted to one another.

But what does this mean?

Submitting to one another is a mutual exchange of energy. It means that we are completely opening ourselves up to the other. It means that we trust the other person with the deepest parts of ourselves that we don’t always reveal to outsiders.

This isn’t about being submissive; it’s about choosing to let down our walls.

It also means a willingness to discuss and accept the roles within a relationship. Each partner has specific strengths, according to the divine feminine or masculine. We can be the yin to the other person’s yang.

When we battle against this balance, and try to do everything on our own or ignore the other’s strength, then we will feel a constant tension between us. A feeling of uneasiness will translate in the bedroom as well. Because if we haven’t fully submitted to one another outside of the bedroom, then there is no way that we will be able to do it between the sheets.

Sex is a barometer for the relationship.

Maybe sex isn’t everything, but it is an awful lot. Intimacy is important because it connects two people, but sex establishes the roots of a partnership. It’s where we openly and willingly submit to our lover; we let them into our space and bodies, which allows our energies to meet and grow together.

It’s the closest we can be to another person.

Sometimes when we have the effortless feeling of just clicking with someone, it’s because we’re feeling a natural mutual submission of our souls coming together. When the sex is amazing, it means that we have already openly submitted to one another. We trust one another and feel comfortable enough to let someone see us in ways no one else will. (Even with the lights on.)

If we constantly feel the need to have sex in the dark, we have to question the depth of the relationship. If we can’t uncover our bodies with our lover, then there isn’t any way we can bare our souls to them.

The way sex speaks about our relationship is an aspect that can’t easily be changed. We try different sexual positions, or try more ways to open up, but many times it just ends up feeling forced.

The reason why some couples have amazing sex is because of chemistry, which is often overlooked. What this word really refers to is the inexplicable magnetic attraction between two souls. It’s not just physical attraction, but something deeper. When we have a high level of chemistry with someone, we also have a deeper connection, which results in a better and healthier relationship outside the bedroom.

Love is all about connection.

It’s about letting someone in and being invited into another’s soul. It’s about choosing to surrender to the connection, attraction and love in general.

A deep, sexually romantic connection comes from the ability to communicate about the twisted and dark aspects of our souls. It’s the knowledge that no matter what we do, or what we look like, our partner will still accept and love us.

When we feel loved and accepted, we also feel desired. Our lovers make us feel like they are insatiable for us.

The truest test of how good a relationship will be is how hot it burns in the bedroom. Because there’s no doubt that if the sex is amazing, the relationship will be as well.


Author: Kate Rose

Image: William Stitt/Unsplash

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock 



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Grzegorz Maziarski Oct 29, 2018 10:51pm

Honestly believe that's exactly what she meant, but first she slightly malformed the concluding sentence and then she paraphrased it in an even worse way to form the title which in effect completely distorted the real message behind the article.

Grzegorz Maziarski Oct 29, 2018 10:13pm

The title makes a bad advertisement for this great article. It should read: "The sex will only be as good as the relationship." The proof lies within the comments above: at least half of the people refer to the title, instead of the text itself which stands in the visible opposition to the title. Sadly enough Libby Miller seems to be the only one here who also noticed this opposition...

V Jonathan Facile Jun 22, 2018 5:32pm

definitely. I'm sorry for so many below who this article has made so defensive. Perhaps seek better sex and relationship.

Felicia Tavilla Jun 4, 2018 7:58pm

couldnt agree more to all of this..

Angela Kingston Jan 8, 2018 9:47pm

Intimate: engaged in or characterized by sexual relations Asexual.. be sexual

Jaime Blakely Dec 10, 2017 2:10pm

Nope. I've had the most mindblowing sex of my life with men and women who I've barely known. Simply lust and chemistry. Sometimes it takes time to perfect with some people, and that wait is worth it. Sometimes it works right away. Sometimes the sex is INCREDIBLE and the relationship is a nightmare (my ex and I), and people stay in it because the sex is blinding and they mistake that for love (my ex and I). Sometimes the relationship is AWESOME and the sex needs a little time and effort to get there. Sometimes one needs a little experience to get things moving correctly. It's not as simple as this article would have us believe. It's a terrible measuring stick to judge a relationship by in my opinion. A relationship, in my experience, will only be as good as the trust/honesty/respect/admiration etc. <3 But yeah, awesome sex is great to have too.

CT Thieme May 29, 2017 12:08pm

Honestly believe that the sex can only be as good as the relationship. Intimacy starts with the heart and mind and then moves South.

Ericka Mosheshe May 29, 2017 6:09am

You're spot on.....very much the perspective of one who is young.

Chelsie Sullivan May 23, 2017 9:32am

I just love your stuff Kate Rose.

Krystal Kay May 21, 2017 3:04am

I agree...to a point. What about couples that had that connection but have been together a very, very lonmg time. The sexual sparks burn out in the majority of relationships. WHat is your take on those who haev been together 10+ years and the sex is no longer the core of the relationship?

Lale Javaheri Mar 20, 2017 6:12pm

I agree. I absolutely LOVE that the sex is great in a relationship. Specifically when your partner does the things you like and especially when they like doing it and enjoy it with you. This is just the best. Although I will only stay as long as our relationship is good as well. I refuse to stay just for the sake of great sex. I need to be treated well, with respect, loyalty, and of course I reciprocate all this back and then some. It's possible! Don't settle people. Know who you are and what you need.

Danielle Cornelissen Feb 24, 2017 12:33am

i guess its a bit too simple to state its a good relationship because it has great sex, but the reactions i read are also implying that you can have great sex without having a good relationship, but that would be great physical sex but not spiritual and interconnected sex and thats something completely different then pyshically good sex

Libby Miller Feb 23, 2017 9:14am

I've never heard the idea stated in quite this way. I'm learning about it as we speak, and I love the idea of tapping the dark & twisted parts of ourselves to find true sexual connection. I also agree that if a relationship doesn't have that chemistry, it's hard to make it work without feeling forced. But the concluding thesis (...if the sex is amazing, the relationship will be as well) is wishful thinking at best. Without trying to burst this writer's bubble, I'll just point out that perpetuating this belief, for some, can be straight up dangerous.

Darren Sugar Schilling Feb 22, 2017 4:03pm

I think there's probably some stuff that Kate Rose doesn't know.

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Joli Hamilton Feb 21, 2017 12:15pm

Ugh. I'm sad to see one beautiful type of deep partnership pitted against another and marked as the winner. While I am lucky enough to have exactly this kind of relationship, I am disheartened a true gen underlying message... that the author has determined herself the arbiter of what makes a "true connection". Perhaps a bit of time reflecting on the depth of relationship available to those who are asexual, aged, differently abled, neuro atypical, or differently inclined towards sex might open the author up to how her tool for assessing relationship quality is only one of a multitude. A little space for the authentic nature of the Other seems called for.

Nathan W Holmes Feb 20, 2017 11:47pm

So I see where they were trying to go and the root of what they were getting at was only half wrong. Yes, a healthy sex life is usually a good sign that you at least are sexually and somewhat emotionally connected. But that may be the ONLY way you're connected, in some relationships. "Sex is a barometer for the relationship." - It's a measure, but if you confuse what the results of that measurement is, you'll be screwed. Below is one hell of a reach and the fact that they tried to go there further explains why sex can romance can be severely misread. "A deep, sexually romantic connection comes from the ability to communicate about the twisted and dark aspects of our souls. It’s the knowledge that no matter what we do, or what we look like, our partner will still accept and love us."

Ariel Oliveira Feb 20, 2017 10:22pm

a relationship is as good as the lovers put effort into making it good. if they value sex, it's a factor, but sex isn't in any way a universal base for relationships. it's 2017 and we still read stuff like this that make people 'consent' forced by societal expectations and submit themselves to uncomfortable physical contact to feel 'loved'? - to say the least.

Wendy Fedor Feb 20, 2017 6:39pm

Listen to my Grandma, "LOVE ain't all hugs and kisses!"

Dominika Krestanova Feb 20, 2017 2:42pm

Or because they believe the sex is great, not knowing how mindblowingly awsome sex can be in good relationship

Spencer Turner Feb 20, 2017 12:03am

You seem like a nice young person, but as with many young people, you seem to think that your perspective and opinion is the ultimate truth, and it's not. It's simply how you see life from your level of consciousness, through your lens, and with your limited experiences in relationships. You're not wrong, but you're not right either...not wrong because it's the only way you can see it now, and not right because you make absolutist statements such as 'a relationship can only be as good as the sex'. Is that really true, and how could you possibly know that? I'm sure, in this world, there are millions of relationships that don't have sex, or 'regular' sex, for one reason or another that are truly happy, fullfulling, intimate, and deep. Humility is a wonderful quality to be cultivated.

Bobbi K Thomas Feb 19, 2017 9:14pm


Dana Cotton Starr Feb 19, 2017 5:08pm

This was thought provoking and well written, but much too simplistic. Sex with the same person for 40 years is not always amazing, but that in no way means that my relationship is bad. Sex in a relationship is important, but it is most assuredly not everything. As you age that will become more clear, and as you experience health issues which restrict your sex life you will understand that intimacy comes in many forms, not just sexually.

Leslie Johns Feb 19, 2017 4:22pm

No. People who are terrible for each other can have incredible sex, every day. Trust me.

Riley Amor Feb 19, 2017 1:59pm

How could this be true when asexual individuals are capable of deeply loving and intimate relationships.

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Kate Rose

Kate Rose is an artist, free thinker, lover, writer, passionate yogi, teacher, mother, rule breaker, and rebel. She can usually be found walking barefoot in the moonlight between worlds with the dreams of stars still hanging in her hair, swaying her hips to the music of life and smelling of sweet bourbon and honeysuckle. She lives for adventure and wakes each morning with the excitement of a new day waiting to unfold at her feet. She truly believes the best is yet to come and waits, with bated breath, to see what it may hold. Follow her on TwitterFacebook or Instagram, and find more of her words on her website.