February 19, 2017

How to Help your Man be More Present.

As women, if we are truly in our feminine essence, we have the power to awaken.

We have the power to stand for truth.

And from this place we can call our men up and serve evolution.

We have access to super Shakti—the vibrant, transformational energy that makes up the feminine life force.

We can embody and share our Shakti. It takes a hell of a lot of inner work to reclaim this natural ability, but I believe that as conscious women, this is the journey we are here for—to come into deeper presence and truth within ourselves.

As a Tantra teacher who creates space for women and men to explore conscious relating, the number one desire I probably hear from women is that they want their men to be more present.

As we become more conscious and aware and present ourselves, as women, it seems we hunger for our partners to meet us there. And we get frustrated if or when he doesn’t.

We want to feel like our man can feel us. That he is meeting us emotionally, psychologically, energetically and physically.

Maybe we just have high expectations? Maybe this is true, or maybe not. What I am sure of is that if we are going to successfully call our man into presence, we need to do it from the right place.

Let me offer an example of how I called my man into presence the other day. I was with my lover, and I could see he was not really “there.” Among other things, I noticed he was avoiding eye contact.

Initially, I felt my own energy shut down in resignation and frustration. But then, from somewhere deep in myself, I decided that I was not willing to play into my old pattern, which was to give up, shut down or complain.

I said to him, “I cannot feel you! Would you be willing to come here and see what is really happening right now?”

He was willing (bless him!), and so we sat eye to eye. I looked into his eyes from somewhere deep inside of me—not from a needy or demanding place, but a place of embodied truth and love. A conscious and connected place derived from my goddess self.

I felt his resistance to meet me, but I did not falter. I held the flame of my own loving, fearless presence, and we kept on eye gazing, breathing together. Resistance, fear and doubt all made an appearance, but we kept on breathing, and after a while, an energetic shift happened—boom—and he was there, he was back, he was present in his body, in his heart, and in connection with me.

And he thanked me, right before we made delicious love.

That’s how it can be when we demand presence from a truly healthy, integrated, and empowered place.

Magical transformation can happen.

But it has to come from a dedication to creating connection and embodying truth (and gosh, does that take courage and a whole load of clarity!).

In this case, I called him in from a true desire for us to access connection and move through what was blocking us from that. I stood in that true desire with my heart open, and he rose to meet me there—amazing!

But it doesn’t always play out like this is. If we are relating from a fragmented and wounded place, things can get a little messy. If I had chosen to criticize him for not being present with me at that time instead of patiently inviting him into presence, it could easily have looked like a little girl and little boy in struggle.

Let me explain what I mean. In every relationship between a man and a woman, you could say that there are four parties involved: the little girl and the little boy, and the empowered, conscious woman and the empowered, conscious man. These last two are the ones who are naturally present in relationships.

This is important to note, because if you are asking for presence from your man from the place of the little girl, you are probably not actually asking for presence—you are asking for attention and validation.

And his little boy will feel that as a demand, as a pull on his energy.

Chances are, he will also react from that little boy place by pulling away, and you’ll take that personally and get hurt or feel angry and resentful.

So how do we avoid this mess? How do we ask our men to be more present from the right place?

What I found is that I had to “do the work” with my inner little girl. I needed to learn about her unmet needs and the patterns she plays out in an effort to meet those needs.

This work of meeting, owning and loving your little girl so that you can move into the realm of your conscious, empowered woman, is a process that takes a lot of patience. It takes an honest enquiry into where we are not fully showing up. It takes dedication to go beyond the old stories, and commitment to create new paths for connection.

And along the way, we have to really accept where we (and those we are relating to) are, in all our messy human glory.

But we can do it! This is the new yoga, the relationship yoga where the rubber hits the road. This is the next level of empowerment, the natural evolution of intimacy.

I offer this to you, and to myself, so that together we can write a new story that is more fresh and vibrant than the old one that says, “men should be more (fill in the blank).”

That story keeps us stuck in the old paradigm, and I believe we—both men and women—are ready for the next level.

To truly break this cycle, it may well have to be us who take responsibility for meeting some of our own needs and leading the way.

We need to be “big girls” now, empowered women who know ourselves so well, and accept ourselves so completely, that we can meet our relationships from a truly empowered and loving space.

Know that the force of your own loving presence and fearless embodiment is powerful. As women in connection with our own hearts and our own truths, we affect everything around us.

Let’s keep exploring ourselves, and invite our men to explore with us. Let’s give them the chance to rise up and meet us so that we can share presence, rather than demand it.



Author: Sonja Shradha Devi

Image: Author’s own

Editor: Callie Rushton

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