**Warning: Adult language and content ahead!
“Love can’t exist without fear. If the thought of losing someone doesn’t scare the shit out of you then it’s not love.” ~ Penelope Ward
I want to be fucked, but just not in that way.
What I mean—or rather, what I desire, as the hot blood pulses behind my rosy complexion—is that I want to feel you burn circles into my skin with your fingerprints…but I don’t want to have my heart broken.
I want to fuck you, make love to you, and maybe just play a little bit—just to see how it feels—yet, I don’t want you to play with my heart.
I suppose it would easy to just pretend that none of this is reality, and that the outcome doesn’t really matter to me, as long as I have a smile on my face today—but it does. There was a time when you accidentally broke my heart, not because you were cruel or uncaring, but because you were just being true to yourself.
But with your truth, you broke me.
You shattered this love I have for you with just a few words, and the world I thought would always make sense suddenly came crashing down—and with it went my ability to breathe.
I never wanted to be the kind of woman who didn’t know who she was without a man, and while I am more myself now than I’ve ever been before, our roots have grown together, crisscrossing and coming together to help us both become stronger.
So really, it’s not that I don’t know who I am without you, but rather—you are simply a part of me.
I used to wonder if this burning desire I feel for you is natural—or if it’s possible that I wanted you too much; I craved your warm mouth on mine, and the passion that I felt when your body was in my hands was never meant to burn this hot with anyone.
However, none of that matters to me anymore, because now I understand that the time I spend with you will always be a part of my best memories.
And so, I want you to go deep—I want you to fuck me into surrender and sublime submission. Yet, I don’t want to “get fucked” in this process, and I can’t handle you breaking my heart.
I know that it’s always a possibility that one day I will find myself on my knees, crying more wretchedly than I ever have before. I know that my breath may be taken from me, and that I may be unable to get out of my bed for days—but still, I’m not willing to stop, even if the temptation of fear is great.
Because maybe some heartbreak is worth it—especially if it’s so delicious that I crave it’s very taste, unable to have anything else satisfy in the way that one kiss from you soothes even my most buried needs.
I want you to fuck me slowly and push me up against the wall, because you’re unable to wait even one moment longer. I want you to fuck me with the lights on—and in the dark—so I will be able to memorize the feel of your body with my fingertips.
I want you to fuck me, because I don’t want anyone else to do it.
My body is my sacred place, my vessel of love and light that only those who are truly worthy are allowed to enter—and you, my sweet man, are perhaps the most deserving of any others I’ve ever had.
And while I can go on about the taste of your lips, or the way my entire body responds to your most delicate of touches, the reality is that it’s not just my body you fuck so well—but my soul and my heart as well.
You have reached more deeply in to my soul, and while I tingle and grow wet just thinking of the way your lips feel on my thighs, that’s still not the best part of you. Your greatest gift is your heart—and your magnificent soul that you haven’t let everyone see.
Maybe you don’t sit around fearing what your life would be like without me, but perhaps you should.
We both have far too much faith to actually give in to anxiety, or to chase what is trying to leave us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t entertain the fantasies of what life would be like for either of us, if the other one decided to actually leave. It’s a thought process I have visited frequently, if only to notice how my thoughts and feelings have changed throughout the seasons we’ve shared.
I don’t want you to actually have to lose me in order to understand what I mean to you—but I also know that I can’t control the future. I don’t want to have to leave in order for you to want me to stay, and more than anything, I don’t want to have another man fuck me, so you can finally realize that you want me to be only yours.
But in the end, it doesn’t really matter what I want, and it doesn’t matter what I hope for, because it’s not just my journey or my destination.
This is about you and me, and the fires that have burned for much longer than either of us ever anticipated—it’s about friendship and the deep bond of soul connection that has become the biggest surprise either of us has ever experienced.
Because it all comes down to the simple truth that I do want you to fuck me—deeply and passionately—but just not in that way that would break my heart forever.
“The only thing standing in between you and me is reality.” ~ Unknown
Author: Kate Rose
Image: Flickr/Ramón Portellano
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina