“I want to be with you till my last page.” ~ A.R. Asher
Inside, there is a feeling that catches in my heart and stops my breath.
It’s irrational—and possibly pointless—but that doesn’t stop it from coming late at night, when I wonder if it’s even worth feeling like this if it’s not actually going to last.
Deep down, I hear them—whispers of pain that break my voice before the words even have a chance to spill from my delicious lips: “I’m scared of walking away and never feeling—in my whole life—the way that I feel when I’m with you.”
Its truth burrows deep within, until I reel from the uneasiness of its weight against my heart.
What if I never feel like this again in my entire life?
I know that there are those who say: “It’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” They might say that it wasn’t really love, or that I deserved better—but in truth, it was none of those, because you were everything that I needed.
You woke me up and made my soul sparkle with the vibration of yours. You tickled my heart and made me feel more loved than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. So while all of this may just become a distant memory, all I’m wondering now is: What if no one else ever makes me feel like you do so effortlessly?
How can I accept a love that doesn’t tear me in two—that doesn’t make my knees weak after years of passion—and how could I ever love another in the way that I love you?
I never actually thought it was possible to feel the soul of another, or to crave someone—not just sexually, but physically—because their body being in close proximity to mine simply brings me peace. However, I suppose that is what’s bound to happen when my soul knows it’s found its home.
I’ve never met another like you in my entire life, nor have I had my emotions swirl around me like the wild winds of a hurricane, unsure of what direction I’m even heading in. There have been others for moments, or perhaps years, but in the end, none of that can even compare to the feeling of time slowing as my body is pressed into yours.
I don’t know what it is that you do to me, but you do it better than anyone else ever has before.
And as the moon glows in the indigo sky, I wonder how I could possibly love like this again? Perhaps I will be forced to by fates cruel hand, but it scares me—because what kind of love would it be, knowing that this feeling existed in the world, but that I would never feel it again?
I know that some may think I’m being overly dramatic—and to them, I say, “Maybe you’re the lucky ones.” Because if they don’t know what I am speaking of—then it means that they’ve never experienced it.
But for the others—the ones with tears streaming down their silent faces, because they’re also afraid they’ll never feel for another person what they felt toward their one—I suppose the only consolation is to know that you are not alone or crazy for feeling like that.
Because feelings do exist that are so unique and special, they can’t ever be replicated again. It’s almost as if two chemicals were mixed, and the reaction was so intense, both will forever be changed because of it.
And I know something about that, because I will forever be changed by you.
I don’t really know how to go on in this life giving up on this feeling that sends tingles throughout my entire body, but perhaps the bigger problem is that I just don’t know how to stop loving you.
You came into my life under the guise of an elusive secret—the taste of citrus popping against the tingle of desire. There isn’t any way that I can kid myself into thinking that what I feel for you is less than it is, or that it’s just about sex, because it would be so much easier if it actually was.
The truth is that our souls dance, even in our absence—and I know you can feel it too.
We masquerade as nothingness, and all the while, the stars shine beneath our skin, calling to one another in the constellation that only we create.
There is something different about you, and while others may sense that, only I can paint you in the colors you were created to revel in, enjoying life in all of its multidimensional beauty and moments that are destined to become memories.
However, despite how beautiful our masterpiece is, it still might not be one that I can gaze upon or touch as the first gray hairs begin to salt your dark hair, or wrinkles cross my eyes, reminding me of all the times you have made me laugh.
It might turn out that you are the most beautiful moment in a life of seemingly ordinary events, but even if that is true—even if we were never meant to last—I can still barely utter the words. Because, quite honestly, I can’t imagine what it would be like to live the rest of my life knowing I’ll never feel like this again.
I can’t imagine never kissing you again. I can’t imagine never feeling the beat of your heart against mine.
And most of all, I’m terrified of walking away and never feeling—in my whole life—the way I feel when I’m with you.
“Kiss me, mercilessly. Leave no corner of me untouched.” ~ Beau Taplin
Author: Kate Rose
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina