It is Saturday morning and I am suffering.
We’ve all been here—looping though mental chatter, old patterns, and thinking something to the effect of, “Why am I even in this relationship when I’m triggered all the time?”
Then the self-loathing kicks in.
In an effort to “raise my vibration,” I got online and started reading articles about “evolved relationships” and watching videos on clearing old emotional wounds. As a clinical counselor, I know this sh*t. But, still, I continue to suffer.
Granted, I am coming off of two days of being knocked out due to food poisoning. And, because I know about the Law of Attraction, I can’t help but wonder how I attracted that. Especially at a time when I have more money going out that coming in, a time where my to-do list is not done and my partner seems to being saying “no” to me more than “yes.”
Then it hit me: I’m saying “no” to life.
I have this belief that life is painful and it is painful to be alive. Who wants to work with someone with this belief system? How many of us have this same stupid story mucking up our lives?
Some other limiting beliefs I encountered this morning were, “I’m not enough; my partner is better than me so I’m dragging him down and he should f*cking run for the hills because I’m dangerous.” But, it didn’t stop there. In the halls of my unconscious where my shadows hang out, there’s a whole cascade of limiting beliefs such as, “I don’t want money because money makes us someone’s whore.” “I can’t express joy because it makes me vulnerable to being taken advantage of.” And (the classic), “I’m worthless and nothing I do will make me or life better.”
I want to be angry at all of this. I want to tell my partner to get lost or to simply give up. But that would be a bit too responsible, so what I really want to do is be passive. “Hey, so, you have been saying no to me a lot and I’m just wondering if you actually want to be in this relationship at all…because I feel like it’s going nowhere fast.”
I felt like I was spinning out.
Why would I share all of this with you? Why would I scream into the abyss of the internet? Because I know I am not alone. I won’t let these limiting beliefs defeat me. I know we are all called to a purpose, and I’ve not yet experienced the fullness of mine. I know many people imagine that a certain type of person–like counselors, for example—“have it all together.”
This is yet another limiting belief we hold onto. “I can have it all together at the same time—my whole life lined up.”
It’s best to abandon hope and keep moving forward anyway. Surrender all. Give it to God. Let go or be dragged behind.
We are all going to die. I take comfort in that. But if that sweet chariot has not swung low to let you ride, there’s still life left to live—on the brink of uncertainty. We suffer the pangs of wanting security in the face of impermanence. It sucks so hard and my ego often has a fit about it.
I’m suffering because my ego is miffed.
Why would I let someone in my life who would say “no” to me all the time? Well, it could be because I’ve been saying “no” to life in subtle (and overt) ways. I’ve been sick a lot this year with respiratory issues, female issues, chronic neck pain, nausea, and chronic inflammation. I’ve had my own stupid stories show up not only in my behaviors—but in my body.
This realization was a breakthrough.
I can now see myself constructing a case against my partner—trying to manipulate his behaviors so that I can “feel better.” I see myself trying to worm my way out of responsibility for my own life—paying taxes, eating well, working out, cleaning the house, managing my finances, running my business, and all the shIt that goes with being an adult.
I see my own inner-critic scolding me for not being enough, for procrastinating, for making excuses, for my lame justifications of why I slept in three hours late, and for being a failure.
I’m watching myself implode.
The good news is, I am imploding unto myself. I’m dying an ego death. Right alongside my suffering, my wise mind woke up this morning saying, “Those limiting beliefs don’t get to run the show anymore.”
My partner may want to leave me—if so, he can go. My bank account may be in the red—but I don’t have to bleed to make money. My body may express illness—and I will listen. Because I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future—my wise mind.
Our wise mind is connected with source energy and has a direct relationship with God.
We all suffer. We all throw tantrums. We all succumb to our base instinct and complain about life—but we don’t’ have to live there.
We can access our wise minds. Release the past. Heal old wounds. Dissolve the stupid stories. And be set free.
Ask yourself these two questions:
“What age was I when this stupid story (that became a pattern in my life) was created?”
“What was the origin of the energy I bought into that became my stupid story?” Mom issues? Dad issues? Something else?
Once you discover the answers, then tell yourself:
“I destroy and uncreate all that belief is and all it bright up, though all time, space, and dimensions, never to return again to my body or consciousness.”
“What will it take to have everything I require to be who I truly am right now?”
Finally, act on the new awareness that comes up.
What kind of life would we be living if it wasn’t in reaction to our old wounds and stupid stories?
I can’t wait for us to find out.
Author: Rebekah McClaskey
Image: Tanya Heffner/Unsplash
Editor: Danielle Beutell
Copy Editor: Lieselle Davidson
Social Editor: Leah Sugerman