August 2, 2017

The #1 Reason Married Couples Stop having Sex.

Is it common for married couples to stop having sex after many years of marriage?

Hell yes!

In my own marriage of 10 years, we’ve had short periods of no sex. Here’s why we and so many other couples might let their sex life drift…

(Full episode here.)

Yup. It’s that simple.

The number one reason couples stop having sex is:


Fear of what?

So many things. But most often a couple will unconsciously slide into fear and then come up with some lame external excuse like, “I’ve lost the attraction” or, “We just aren’t in love anymore.”

While these might be partially true, there’s always more to the story.

So, what do we do?

If you are in a sexless marriage, instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me or my partner?” (which is more blame), try asking a more intelligent question like, “How do we face our fears and anxiety around sexual intimacy?”

By first asking this important question, married couples can begin to tackle their fears.

We can make it even more vulnerable and sexy by sitting on the bed naked together with no other agenda than to state our fears in front of one another. Take turns saying, “I’m scared…” and fill in the blank. Go slow enough to feel and not dissociate.

Be courageous and face the deep vulnerability that sex can bring. Tender, naked, raw, beautiful…

Just make the simple move of owning your fear. By doing this, we are making a very intimate statement. And this level of vulnerability is lubrication for sex.

Tune into The Smart Couple Podcast for more long-term relationship advice.


Relephant read:

Why we Didn’t Have Sex this Morning.


Author: Jayson Gaddis
Image: @twinflames on Instagram
Editor: Khara-Jade Warren
Copy Editor: Catherine Monkman
Social Editor: Travis May


Image: Ashley Webb / Flickr

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Roblyn Crawford Nov 30, 2017 12:12pm

“Lame” is an ableist term. There are other options.

Eloise Watson Sep 28, 2017 6:12am

Time and life situations have an impact on relationships depending on the stage the relationship is in. Fear may not always be the reason, it may be lack of "mind time". If we are in constant thought about finances, children, bills and work, it leaves little space for thinking about sexuality. The sexual aspect of the relationship must be focused on in a healthy way. Additionally, as life ebbs and flows, so do relationships. Perhaps we perceive the temporary as permanent. Desire is ignited in the mind.

Jennifer Griffin Aug 4, 2017 3:27pm

Thanks for sharing! I saw you article near mine in Elephant and thought that they compliment each other a bit. Check out "4 New Exciting Sex Tips for Busy Couples" and let me know what you think about it.

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Jayson Gaddis

Jayson Gaddis, founder of The Relationship School®
, and host of The Smart Couple Podcast , is on a mission to teach people the one class they didn’t get in school–”How to do intimate relationships.” He was emotionally constipated for years before relationship failure forced him to master relationships. In 2007 he stopped running away from intimacy, asked his wife to marry him and now they have two beautiful kids. When he doesn’t live and breathe this stuff with his family, he pretty much gets his ass handed to him. You can find him here: Jayson Gaddis or sign up for a free training here if you are dealing with an emotionally unavailable man like Jayson used to be. You can also become a fan on Facebook here: Jayson Gaddis Fan Page.