What if I told you that sexuality is as necessary to our body and mind as drinking or eating?
Without sex, we would die and I mean that in every way. Our lives begin with sexuality and should be carried from our entire life.
What happens to a person who doesn’t have a great contact with their sexuality, or thinks that it is not an important part of their life? Life without sex is colorless. Just like we get frustrated and angry when we are hungry, we will get frustrated and angry when we don’t have an amazing sex life.
Drinking and eating doesn’t just nourish our body—it also gives us pleasure. Pleasure is a part of our lives and we need pleasure to feel happy and joyous. But our everyday life provides usually very little pleasure. Our days are filled with responsibilities, anxiety, fear, and tiredness. This is why we are looking desperately for pleasure in every place we can find it.
Unfortunately, we try to find pleasure in consuming as much as we can.
In order to feel happy, we need a good amount of two hormones: dopamine and serotonin. These hormones are produced in our body and they bring us the feeling of joy, peace, and contentment. During lovemaking, our body produces these hormones and we stay high on them for a long time. Daily, we try to find pleasure in consuming because dopamine is also produced in the body when we buy something new, or eat or drink. This type of pleasure-seeking gives us a short injection of pleasure, and soon we are hungry for more.
This is why most people over consume: food, drinks, things, and people. Our appetite is never truly satisfied, and keeps growing and growing which lead us to suffering in so many levels. Oftentimes, we end up being in debt, overweight, sick, or having troubles in our relationship. Our bodies, finances, and relationships can’t stand the pressure of these unfulfilled yearnings that we have. But no one truly understands the true reason for our hunger. It is hidden in our sexuality: too-short intercourse.
Many will read this article and think that they have a completely fulfilling sex life—being in a long-lasting relationship, having sex two or three times a week. But they keep overeating, or keep searching for pleasure in alcohol, drugs, things, and people, or keep having fights with their partners, kids, and co-workers.
So why are we still experiencing all that if we think we have quite a good sex life?
There are two key ingredients to learn: our understanding of sexuality and the true quality of our sex life.
Based on a personal study done with my clients, an average intercourse is measured to be four to eight minutes and in some countries two minutes. But a good lovemaking should have at least 30 minutes of penetration, and at least 20 minutes of foreplay. Short intercourses are just a way to discharge our bodies emotionally and physically from all the stress and tension that we gather. But the true pleasure that our bodies are capable of experiencing will remain out of reach for many of us.
Do we remember the last time where we were in such an intense pleasure, for half an hour, or an hour so that we forget our own name? Have we ever felt that kind of pleasure and do we know what it will do to us? Maybe it is time to find out.
Imagine if all our lives, we have been eating in a fast food restaurant. Every meal would be a burger, french fries, and coke—food that makes us sick and tired, and doesn’t give us an amazing experience. But if one day for some reason we would eat in a gourmet restaurant, then we would realize what we have been missing the entire time. If we keep eating at the fast food places, we don’t know that there could be better food, or we think that it is out of our reach. Trust me, it is not. Everyone can have it.
Unfortunately, our society prefers quantity over quality. True, there are more fast food places, and they are much cheaper and we can eat more. But with this kind of food, our physical and mental health will suffer: we will never experience what we truly need and our appetite will remain insatiable.
The same thing happens with our sexuality.
With short intercourse, many women will never experience any orgasms and men will keep looking for that long-lasting true pleasure. The only thing they find is an instant gratification that lasts for a moment.
Estonians have an old saying, “I’d rather have a sparrow in my hand than a crow on my roof.” Our society is programmed to look for instant gratification but true satisfaction comes from delayed gratification.
Remember that experiment with kids, where they would put a child in a room alone and put a candy in front of them saying that if they do not eat this candy within the next five minutes, they will get a whole cake. Guess what? Most kids eat the candy because they’d rather have the sparrow in their hand.
What happens to our body and mind?
If our body and mind can’t experience pleasure through sexuality then we dry up. Our creativity dies, and our understanding of personal freedom remains unobtainable. There is little joy in our life, and life is filled with obligations and ways of looking for pleasure in things that in the long run make us unhappy and rob us of our freedom.
Sexuality influences our physical health in many ways. Most diseases that are related to our sexual organs are due to a bad sex life, or no sex life. Our medical science doesn’t pay much attention to these topics and doctors pay more attention to eliminating the symptoms than finding the cause.
Our emotional level is in constant turmoil and tends to be more on the negative side than on the positive. We see many things in darker colors than they truly are, and conflicts are easy to arise at home and outside. People are sick and tired of the constant burdens they have to carry. Our everyday life is finely designed to keep us away from things that are actually important.
But how should we know and understand all this? In school, our minds are programmed and we learn most things for 12 years that we will never need. The knowledge we truly need remains unattainable for most of us. We start to search for it when the suffering becomes unbearable. So most of the time we remain confused, move through life with the error and trial experiment, and try to copy people who usually even less than we do.
How to unlock the true power of our sexuality?
So what happens to a person who is in contact with their true sexual power?
They feel no shame toward their body or sexuality. They feel great emotionally and physically. Their body stays in the right weight with no big effort. Their creativity is open, and life brings more joy than worry. They have good relationships with people surrounding them, because they don’t have expectations to others and they take life as it comes. They are happy and kind and giving. Many of them find their true calling in life and create a life that they don’t have to take a vacation from. They don’t need acceptance from others because they know their own worth. They are either in a fulfilling relationship, or alone until they meet someone that brings only more joy to their life.
Sexuality is the most important food for our mind and body because when it has depth, it is also carried from love. And I haven’t yet seen anyone who doesn’t need love.
I’d love to share my favorite quote comes from the movie “Don Juan DeMarco” (1994) with Johnny Depp and Marlon Brando:
The 3 most important questions are:
What is worth living for?
What is worth dying for?
And what is the spirit made of?
The answer to each one is the same: love.
Bonus: 5 Mindful Things to Do Each Morning.
Author: Jaya Silman
Image: Nicolee Camacho/ Flickr
Editor: Angel Lebailly
Copy & Social Editor: Catherine Monkman