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November 13, 2018

A Modest Proposal on Gun Control.

Author’s note: A modest proposal for preventing the innocent people of America from being victims of mass murders and senseless shootings and for making our communities safer to live in. 


It is a melancholy thing to wake up every morning to news of another mass shooting in the country.

Our hearts are split open with the victims’ flesh, our thoughts and prayers flowing from us like their lifeblood. We cannot, as a nation and a community, survive this grief day in and day out.

I think it is agreed by all parties that the number of mass shootings in our country is deplorable. We cannot continue to abide by this loss of innocent life. It is our duty, as compassionate fellow humans, to protect the most innocent among us, to value life, and to stop the mentally ill, the deranged, and the criminals among us from further bloodshed.

The gun control debate has raged for years, often reaching a fervent pitch in the immediate aftermath of a tragedy, those who would take our guns and render us all helpless knowing that striking while the blood and tears are hot is an effective way to craft permanent policy from temporary emotion.

I have always found their disarmament solution grossly mistaken. Who among us can think that increased vulnerability is the solution to stop those who would attack us violently?

Why would we agree to roll over, showing our soft underbellies to the jackals? Nature teaches us this is the position of submission, and every ounce of our protective, warrior hearts should cry against submitting to these heinous, violent delinquents.

Are we really so far removed from nature that we cannot remember how to defend ourselves from attack? Every animal mother teaches her offspring to defend themselves. Every tiger mom makes sure her cubs know how to use their teeth and claws to protect themselves and others, to overpower and fight back against those who would do them harm.

We have forgotten ourselves. We do not protect our innocent by peace and passivity, but by fighting fire with fire.

Last week, a man tried to enter a predominantly black church. Unsuccessful, he then walked into a nearby grocery store and unconscionably executed two people. If we look at this series of events from a protective eye, we can easily see that the locks on the church kept the dwellers inside safe, while free access to a grocery store and the relative vulnerability of the unarmed adults inside led to tragedy.

First, we must lockdown every single public and private building in the country. No one should be allowed to gain open access to any space where other people may be. An armed guard should be stationed outside every entrance, where they will ask people for their admittance papers before entry shall be allowed.

Surely, we can all see how this will go great lengths to protecting our civilians from those who would do them harm. A first line of defense to easily catch evil trying to creep by. It would also create an incredible job market for guards, whom we should really call “Stewards of Society,” or “SOS” for short, for these Stewards would indeed be an answer to our cry for help.

Unfortunately, we are all too aware how often protocol fails and how often locks can be breached. If we truly care for our children, our brothers and sisters, our family and friends, and our elderly, we cannot leave their ultimate safety up to others. We must each be retaught how to use our teeth and claws.

Children as early as two should be given training guns (any younger would be inefficient, as muscle control and verbal capacities would be insufficient for proper training). We are all aware that gun safety can only truly be achieved when one is intimately familiar with guns.

Imagine a populace where every child grows up with a gun as familiar to them as their very hand. Imagine a world with no more accidental shootings when a hapless, uneducated toddler or preschooler points the end of the weapon at himself or his older siblings or friends.

Surely, this life-or-death knowledge should take precedence over learning letters and colors and songs about being a good friend. While literacy is wonderful, it should take a back seat to gun skills—literacy never fended off a would-be killer.

Imagine sending our kids to school, safe in the knowledge that even a caravan of madmen would not dare enter a school where 400 children have guns that would be pointed back at them.

As children grow up under the umbrella of personal safety thanks to Stewards of Society, tracked and regulated movement, and the full autonomy of personal defense, we would see the vestiges of mental health issues begin to fade. Walking out of our homes to see guns on every hip, we’d be finally able to relax, our brains releasing the stress hormones that so many of us carry now, freeing our minds up to pursue health and happiness.

In an economic one-two punch, the gun industry would boom, and the trickle-down benefits to the steel industry would not only save jobs, but increase job demand tenfold. So much so that adults who may have gone into tech or medicine or teaching instead could use their talents to bolster the gun industry.

Surely, advancements in the very thing that could save our lives today, against imminent danger, is more important to the benefit of society than medicinal research that might not see gains or successes for a dozen years or more.

There would be the creation of an entire new industry: the creation of the department for documentation regarding where a person is allowed to be and when. What a position of honor to achieve.

Imagine a world where we all feel safe to go about our daily lives. Yogis, papers presented and admittance confirmed, of course, could be fully present on their mats, knowing their guns were there, right next to their water bottles, in the event a bad guy shows up. We could go to our places of worship without having to worry about being slaughtered while celebrating or praying.

We could enjoy concerts and sporting events, safe in the knowledge that Stewards were posted on every corner and that we could all pull our pieces and point in the direction of shots fired at any time. Nightclubs and bars, dense dark dens of firearms mixed with alcohol, would become so fearsome to a would-be gunman that he would surely steer clear, leaving revelers free to enjoy the carefree fun of a good time.

If the Cold War taught us anything, it’s that mutually assured destruction is the ultimate deterrent.

We have strayed too far from the natural path. We have forgotten the face of our fathers. The blood of children, of dancers, of shoppers, worshippers, and students is on our hands. We have been remiss in our mandate to protect each other from those who would do us harm.

A gun in every hand, armed forces on every corner, an admittance paper tracking every task. Surely our lives are worth it.


Inspired by Jonathan Swift’s satirical proposal to sell and eat babies to solve the great Irish famine of the 1700s.


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Kelly Chausovsky

author: Kelly Chausovsky

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