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February 4, 2019

A Love Letter to My Boys, from your Bonus Mother.

 

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I can see in your eyes that you wonder whether she thinks of you.

You wonder if she is actually missing you.

You wonder if she stirs in the still quiet hours of the morning because her soul knows that a part of her is missing.

My dear boys, I see how you’ve struggled to find your worth, as you pondered, “Why did she leave me? What is wrong with me? Do I not deserve her love? How do I make her come back?”

Maybe she doesn’t even know what she’s missing. 

But I do.

I see how you are split open.

I see the way you have ached, yearned, and longed for her.

I see that you are left gaping with a mom-sized hole, with questions, aches, and confusion. 

I see the drenched pillowcases with all the tears you have cried as you have forced yourselves to sleep at night.

I see young boys, desperate for love and connection.

I stepped in, first as your friend and then miraculously, as your bonus mom. Bonus, because we are so lucky to have each other.

I chose you, and still do, and always will.

No matter how devastating her choices may have been, she will always be your mom.

I love you with my whole heart, but all the love that I could ever pour into you could never replace her and I know that. I hope you can see that there is room for two.

I crave that—and you crave her.

I wish she could see how special her place is—to be loved without trying.

But I want you to know I am here, ready and willing to love you extra hard, and you will have more love than you could have ever hoped for—because you will have both of us.

And you need to know that regardless of her reasons, you will be better, stronger, and wiser, because of this part of your story.

The pain will not be this intense forever and you will see that love does exist.

You will grow into a thriving young men, because you learned from a young age that your worth doesn’t depend on someone else’s actions.

You will succeed because you will know how to adjust your expectations, even when things aren’t as they should be.

You will soar because you know even in the darkest parts, and the most painful, lonely days—it is all just temporary.

You will learn to be comfortable in the uncomfortable, and that joy and triumph comes after our darkest days.

I will do my best to teach you how to be responsible humans.

I will be strong. I will be consistent. I will be steadfast for you.

I will be here and hold this pain with you.

Most of all, I will never leave you.

And if the day comes when she wants her spot back, when she wants to be the center of the universe she left behind, she will learn what she has missed:

Our song-filled car rides, joyfully yelling the lyrics over the roar of the open windows. The midnight snuggles when you had yet another bad dream. Your toothy grin when you slammed the cover of the first book that you read all by yourself. The things that make you who you are. 

She will learn what makes you scared, and what you dream of.

She will learn what makes your eyes light up like stars.

Maybe she doesn’t even know what she’s missing.

But I do.

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