Sex, to have, to hold, and what the heck is normal?

Marriage counselors and sex therapists see it all, the truth is when issues when trouble strikes a relationship, it is physical intimacy that is one of the first components of love that suffers, in other instances, issues with sex are the precipitating factor which can begin to cause a breakdown of connection and lead to deep resentment. Sex is a very powerful experience, bonding agent, and physical expression of love. Yet, with sexual taboos, most couples wonder quietly, is my sex life truly healthy with newer research, we are now able to examine whether things like sex twice a week is actually the norm, even more, and what are the most common issues that lead a couple to seek out sex therapy and marriage counseling.

Sexual Frequency

Who knew? According to research published in Medical Daily, physical intimacy is even more variable than previously understood. We humans vary in everything from style of sex and yes, even frequency of sex is unique for each example of coupledom. This leads us to our next question, what is abnormal, dysfunction isn’t diagnosed unless one of the couples identifies an issue, typically because their needs are different from their partners. In sex therapy lingo, we call this mismatched libido and it is common for this to bring someone to the couple’s counselors couch. Anywhere from 2 times per week but even once every other week can be considered normal as a couples evolves through the ages and stages of life. If you have concerns about frequency, a sex therapist’s will help the couple to have an honest dialogue about all facets of physical connection from how often to what they really like. The goal of sex therapy becomes, to resolve resentment from unmet sexual needs and to create areas of flexibility and compromise. Mismatched libido doesn’t need to be a deal breaker but it could be, especially when we look at the data and definition of the sexless marriage which is defined by sex 6 times per year.

Sexual Dysfunction

Sexual concerns, much like other forms of health concerns come in clusters, meaning that sexual dysfunction can be related to sexual frequency. We define sexual dysfunction as any disruption of any phase of the sexual response cycle. The excitement, plateau, orgasm, or resolution phases of sexual response are all areas that must operate effective to gain the label of sexual health. Most commonly, sexual dysfunction is erectile dysfunction which prevents excitement or orgasm, most people have had this happen from time to time. If it becomes a typical occurrence, this can erode at sexual frequency. Erectile dysfunction is most often situational, meaning that it is caused directly from stress, or performance anxiety. Yet, it really comes down to how the individual manages that one time slump, which can lead to further problems in the sack. What sex therapists know is that the anxiety of having a bout of performance anxiety causes sexual avoidance in the future leading this is what is meant by long term erectile dysfunction. Emotionally, when there is a long period of sexual avoidance between a couple, there is certainly a chasm of sadness, hurt, and rejection where both feel and misunderstood. Thankfully there is a treatment called sensate focus. This is a behaviorally focused treatment program which has enormous success in resolving erectile dysfunction.

Stephanie Wijkstrom, MS, LPC, NCC is the Founder of The Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh which is an integrative counseling center providing individual, marriage counseling, and family counseling as well as wellness services, to clients in Western Pennsylvania. Stephanie fancies herself a wordsmith, a wellness warrior, licensed counselor, relationship expert, and a speaker and educator in the field of mindfulness and relationships.